(Reminder to self)

Dear Leonie,

I know it’s February.

And I know you still haven’t finished your own workbook. I know you had giant hopes and big dreams.

I know you’ve tried really, really hard. And it just hasn’t happened. And I know you are feeling a little sad that your kit is sitting, waiting for you, a little bit too blank.

Life happened, and all that January dreaming ran away.

I want to remind you:

It’s never too late to start.

We think we need to have all our goals for the year sorted by 1 January of each year.

And we pile on all this pressure – and then life happens, and we don’t. We don’t do it perfectly. Or we don’t do it at all.

So we try to ignore it. We give up. We think maybe next year. Maybe next year I’ll get it perfect and right.

Begin again.

Remember when we didn’t make my Word of the Year artwork until April last year? And when we did do it, it was just the reminder we needed?

We needed to focus on our intentions again.

I want you to know:

Our goddess lives and years are a creative and soulful work-in-progress.

Each day, we can keep adding to it, making it richer, lovelier and more beautiful.

Each day, we add our soul’s starlight to our life.

Begin again.

Make it true, and make it real for you right now.

The first of January wasn’t that one day to make it all perfect and right. It holds no more significance than today.

Today is the place of empowerment – where we can choose again & make our changes.

Each day we wake up is another day on our Goddess paths.

Each day we get to choose the journeys we are going to make…

for today… for our year… for our lives.

Begin again.

Start now.

Everything is possible.

Everything is new.

*

I love you with all my heart, dear, sweet self.

I believe in you.

big love,

P.S. Remember to tell other goddesses too… just incase they are suffering from January-first-perfection-itis too. You can’t be the only one.

P.P.S. I really love & adore you.

My job…

This last month has been one of the most difficult ones I’ve had in a long, long time.

Usually, I’m someone who can see the joy & blessings in most everything.

Instead, you could have found me in a corner, saying over and over:

January, please stop sucking giant panda balls… Please, please, stop sucking so much.

It sucked in six different flavours – so much oofy, ucky, ARGH!y life stuff all happening at once.

The important things didn’t suck – my love is still the most beautiful, hot man on the planet. Little Mermaid is still showing me every single day just how strong she is with her magical movements.

But there was so many other things that did. Drama after drama after drama. I’d talk about it, but that would mean reliving the suckfulness of it all.

And at some point two weeks ago, the drama + stress + OMG! I can’t have this drama & stress! I’m really smigging pregnant! + a crazy busy business + going back to work full-time made the equation = Burnout.

I started crying a lot. And experienced the return of the panic attacks. And felt so awful, exhausted and utterly drained out that I went into Emergency Fix This.

And it was worsened because I kept on thinking:

You can’t feel this way. This is affecting Little Mermaid!

And I’d say back to myself:

But I do. And if I could do anything to stop feeling this way, I would – in a heartbeat! Do you think I like feeling this awful? I don’t. And you reminding me that this is hurting Little Mermaid hurts me even more.

So the two parts of me called a truce for a while.

No more judgement. Just allowing the possibility that maybe – just maybe – it was okay for me to feel awful. Just for now. Just while it was happening.

And that felt like a soft, kind breeze of allowing… instead of being held too tight in a corset of Having-All-My-Shit-Together.

I went to see my midwife. I went to my doctor. And both of them said to me:

You know, with all the things that are happening right now, it’s understandable you feel the way you do.

Oh.

Maybe, just maybe, I wasn’t supposed to be some kind of superwoman here.

Maybe, just maybe, it was okay for me to be human – the kind of human I am.

So I started the process {again} of healing.

I had days in bed. I stopped talking for a while. I gave myself the gift of falling apart so that my castle could be rebuilt again. I found a VA who is all kinds of wonderful. I stopped being a Do Queen.

I gave myself all the things I needed.

I stopped worrying about all the crappiness. The more I worried about all the things that were wrong, the more I couldn’t see what was going right. The more I lost faith that maybe, just maybe, everything was working out the way it needed to – for everyone.

I let myself fall out of faith… and fall into it again, when the time was right.

And I reach out to ask for help.

Last night, I ran a warm bath, anointing it with essential oils and rock salt. I submerged myself in it, the twilight making my skin luminescent blue. I sent out my spirit to speak with my mentor, to tell her all the things that are in my energy right now. My mobile phone goes off, and I wrap Chris’ towel around me to shuffle out to it – my mentor has sent me a message to let me know she hears me.

The bedroom beckons me. Our bed scoops me and my full, round belly up. It is still early, but it is time to return to DreamLand.

I dream deep dreams all night – medicine dreams. In one, I see our Little Mermaid being led out of the stars to us by our ancestors. I see my brother, my Great-Uncle John, my grandmother, my spirit-guide horse Rebble. And I see my love and I waiting for her on the earth, but we are not alone. We are surrounded by a half moon of those still on this plane who love us – our families and friends. And their love for us shines like a beacon light, and our star ancestors can see us because of this light.

And I am told Little Mermaid is strong and bright. But not strong as in athletic – though she may be – but strong as in strong of spirit. Strong as in knowing of her destiny, and her own soul. And bright – not as in super brainy smart – though she may choose to be or not – but bright as in having the brightest, shining soul light around.

I wake up, and Chris leans over to rub my back, then scoops me up in the sweep of his arm. Our cheeks pressed together, we breathe together until he falls asleep again.

I look out the window, and it is early dawn. For the first time in a long, long month, I awake feeling hopeful and full of light. I’d been feeling so disconnected, cut-off and lost from my guides and helpers and the Great Flow of life lately… that to feel again that I’ve been held by angels as I’ve slept is a relief.

And maybe that is the whole mystery behind this:

That while I have slept, I have been held by angels.

Even when I didn’t believe. Even when I hurt. Even when I couldn’t see it.

The love, medicine and guidance was all around me.

Throughout the day, I think of the card of the teacher, the Hierophant.

And as we drive along the mountains, I hear the words:

Your job is not to get cranky or negative… your job is to get enlightened.

That is what you are here for. Anyone can react. Anyone can meet the negative with the negative.

But you? You can do more. You can be the light. You can let the love in.

These days, they are strong and full of medicine. And potent as they may be… I wouldn’t have them any other way.

big love you,

Switch Off Sunday: Possibilities! Permission!

Hola gorgeous Goddess,

Hurrah! It’s that beautiful day of the week again… that ritual of making all or part of our Sunday switched off… logging off our ‘puters and doing some of those things we really wanna do… and just adore up our beautiful goddess lives.

Why do I make it a ritual? Because… all of us know it would be better to take time off from being online… but as the days roll by, we forget to do it. By making it a weekly ritual, it becomes part of our gorgeous routine… and becomes integrated into our luscious life.

You can join me by taking off the whole day, the morning, the afternoon or just a couple of hours off from being online.

Welcome back, sacred Sunday!

My plans for my Switch Off Sunday:

It’s my last week of work this week. Five more days of being a cubicle hottie, before I retire to become a home divaliscious.

And with only seven weeks or so before Little Mermaid arrives, I’m finding my energy which used to be pretty buffalo-ian and expandable and relatively ginormous… well… it’s becoming a little more contracted. Like going-to-sleep-at-8pm kind of contracted.

I need to be much, much more mindful about how I spend my energy, and make sure I spend time filling it back up this weekend.

So here’s my list of lovely Switch Off possibilities…

Baths & yoga. Baths = lavendar + salt with candles. Yoga = my first group pre-natal yoga class! I have first class nerves… but I will go… I can doooo eeeeeeet.

Keep soaking up Jennifer Louden’s lovely bible The Pregnant Woman’s Comfort Book.

Get some more scrummy baby-belly lotion. Something that smells divine and is all creamy-goodness. Apply liberally and lusciously, just like love.

Have as much of this kind of time as I need.

Brunch with my favourite Sone Bear {aka Goddess Sone}. My dearheart is moving in a couple of weeks. I’m going to miss her bundles and oodles and poodles too! I do feel a whole bundle load better knowing that this is just the beginning of something beautiful for Sone & her love… AND that she’s decided to move to a small North Queensland town that isn’t too far from the small North Queensland town that is my homelands, that we own a cottage in, are setting up Crystalbrook Retreat at & will move back to! Soooo… more goddess adventures await us… as we do a goddess invasion of North Queensland. Hurrrrrrah!

In the meantime… it’s just soaking up as much time and goodness with my Taurean dearheart as possible.

Do some writing if I like. Get all the lovely Goddess blog posts written for the week. Finish up some of the little things on my list so I can start my week feeling clear. And use my energy mindfully – there’s only so much to use!

Possibilities for your gorgeous Switched Off Sunday!

You are so welcome to join me in switching off, for the day or the afternoon or two hours… and re-discovering the joys of being switched onto life outside the laptop.

Facebook, Google Reader, Twitter, blogs and your inbox will all be there tomorrow waiting for you. But Sundays are for beautiful recharging 🙂

Here’s some ideas for what to do to make today your own Switch off Sunday:

What do you need to do to zen your life, and make it feel clearer? Do it, darlingheart!

Have you tried the sport of meditationapping yet? It’s my very favourite thing to train for. Maybe this Sunday could be the day you finally try it out. I wouldn’t keep mentioning it if it wasn’t HOLY DELICIOUS.

Do something that makes you need Creative Courage.

Use this permission slip whenever you need…

Have you made a mermaid frame? Pimped a pinboard? Made something fun and divine lately?

What do you need to give yourself? Take a pen & paper out – or write in the Comments Circle. What do you need, and how can you give it to yourself?

Just remember: You probably aren’t going to find what you are looking for by pressing refresh on your Facebook page to see if anyone has written anything new lately. {I know only coz I have already looked ;)}. Today is the day you can give yourself what you need. I have faith in you!

Need some accountability?

  • Take a pen & paper out and write down how long you will switch off for, and what your glorious possibilities are.
  • Write it out in the Comments Circle & check back in later.
  • Blog about your Switch Off Sunday using the button above.

This is your loving and sacred butt-kicking:
Log off, and give yourself what you need.

love you big time,

Having Creative Courage {& a video that I was afraid to make}

Hola gorgeous Goddess,

You know what? I’m always talking about having creative courage. I encouraged clients to do it. I make my life about having courage and faith as much as possible.

So now it’s time for me to do something which takes the hugest amount of creative courage I can muster.

And that is to play an instrument and sing. Two things which scare the shit out of me.

I wasn’t always like this of course.

I used to actually sing sing… like make up songs on my uncle’s guitar, and sing in choirs, and sing in country music festivals.

And I made mistakes. And eventually I got too embarrassed by myself to sing anymore.

The last time I sang – really sang – was when I was 17, at a cattle sale near my boarding school (uh, yeah, I’m a small-town country girl… hellloooo cattle sale sing-a-longs!). I was the School Captain, and me and another girl were asked to sing the National Anthem in the sales ring. And we were placed just in front of the school band… and when the music started, I realised I couldn’t hear myself. I couldn’t hear the girl next to me. I couldn’t hear anything but the band. And when you can’t hear yourself sing? Wow… there’s no room for self-regulation at all. So I didn’t hear myself sing atrociously – I only guessed that it might have been that way later. By the way our headmaster said to us too kindly: well done girls… that anthem is one of the hardest songs to sing…

And being all Type-A-perfectionist with a side of ginormous hippy-la-la, I stopped singing publicly back then. If I couldn’t do something perfectly, I wasn’t going to do it all right?

Even though singing brought me a great amount of joy. Even though *I* liked my voice – even when others didn’t. Even though it reminded me of my uncle, who sang country music songs like an angel. Even though I spent hours mustering with my little sister on horseback, coming up with new songs to sing together on “Sister FM.” Even though singing felt as natural to me as the paddocks and the sky.

I was just tired of not being thought of as perfect. I didn’t want to give anyone any reasons – ever – for me to be vulnerable. I didn’t want to suck.

So I stopped.

And the same with guitars, really.

They remind me of my uncle, and my horse, and old wooden furniture, and all the dreams of who I wanted to be.

They also remind me of fumbling, straining to reach the chords, straining to hear the sounds… getting increasingly frustrated because sound is not a natural creative gift for me. I want it to be – oh how I do – but my ears can’t hear the colour of tunes like my eyes can see the tones of colour.

And I met my love – a man who is formerly an audio engineer. A man with wide ears, ripe for listening. A man who can pick up any instrument and play it. A man who can listen to songs, and begin to strum them out on his many guitars. And it’s hot – let me tell you… there is nothing sexier than a man who can play guitar. Except maybe a man who has just finished gardening, is a little sweaty, has just jumped up on a big chestnut horse, and is playing his guitar on the horse. {And this is the post wherein the world discovers just what a cowgirl this goddess is at heart.}

Now where was I? Oh yes, a guitar playing man is hottt with three T’s. And it also gave me an excuse to not fumble over the strings anymore.

Why fumble when I could just watch perfection instead?

But still… my heart did a little flip-flop when it saw the fuscia guitar my love gave to me sitting in a corner.

That singing, guitar-playing goddess inside me still longed to be let out.

Still wanted to play. Still wanted to make her own music in the world.

The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. – Henry Van Dyke

I’m too old to give a shit whether someone thinks my voice sucks or not.

I’m too old to care whether my guitar playing is perfect or squelchy.

And yup – I’m only 27 – but I just spent ten years not singing and not playing because I was afraid of what someone else might think.

I was afraid of what *I* might think. I was afraid of being imperfect.

And I’m no longer allowing that fear to quieten my voice, my spirit, or my contagious, infectious joy anymore.

This is me… singing a song, playing a guitar.

Having creative courage to do something… even when it means learning something new. Even when it means not doing it perfectly.

Even when it means doing the thing that scares me.

Especially when it means doing something that makes me totally, ridiculously heart-happy.

Having Creative Courage from Goddess Leonie on Vimeo.

I believe in you,

Zen Your Life Thursday: Start where you are right now

Hey beautiful hearts!

I wanted to do a new feature each week here at Goddess Guidebook – Zen Your Life Thursday!

A day we can do just one small thing to make our life calmer and more zen.

Because we need some goodness. We need space. And when we make space? It is sacred, beautiful transformation. It is soul work and physical work that can make us feel lighter and clearer.

Each Thursday I’ll post your Zen Your Life project for the day… an easy, possible kind of project.

Sound like yummy delicious fun? Want some more zen goodness in your life?

Hurrah! Let’s start! We can doooo eeeeeeeet!

Today, your Zen Your Life project is:

Clear your desk… right where you are right now.

Just spend five minutes. Make it clear and zen.

You’ll be amazed at how different you’ll feel afterwards.

Report back if you need to. Whatever you need to create more zennish goddess goodness… give it to yourself.

Happy zennifying dearhearts!

big love you,