Mama Thoughts

Hola gorgeous Goddess!

Since becoming a mama, I’ve had a bazillion and one thoughts… These thoughts, they come and go but are soooo incredibly intense when you are in the middle of them, rummaging around, searching for your truth and your old normal self. They’ve taken me by surprise… by how many I have, how intense they are, and how they change from moment to moment. So much so I think in tired midnight hours… is this normal? does every mama go through this?

And the thing is, I think we do, in our own mama ways.

So I wanted to share some of those thoughts with you…
So when you are in the midst of them, you will know you have company and a goddess sister walking the path with you.

I am overwhelmed.
I can’t do this anymore.
This is pretty easy… I think I might possibly have a handle on this gig!
I AM SO HUNGRY!
Why doesn’t anyone ever say how hard this is?
This moment, only once. Breathe.
She’s only this little once. She’s only going to need me this much for this little amount of time.
Six weeks feels forever away. How will I make it?
Three months has gone sooo quickly!
How on earth am I ever supposed to do everything with one hand?
What do I do with baby when I’m home alone and need to go to the toilet and she needs me??? (I just take her with me now. So much easier!)
How does anyone survive this?
How on earth does anyone have two kids?
I wouldn’t mind another one.
I’ve decided I’m only having one kid.
I want to be an artist again!!!
I am officially a mum superhero! I can do anything!
I want to run away. Or just have someone do this for me.
As long as I get to sleep next to Starry at night. That’s my favourite part. Oh yes, and during the day when I sing to her and watch her face light up and hear her gurgling. I love that, I have to be here for that. And oh yes I like the part where I am carrying her in a sling too. I don’t want to miss out on a single thing. I don’t really want to run away, I just wish someone else could just hold her for five minutes during the day. What would I do with that five minutes?Oh, I would brush my hair! Cut my toe nails! Stare off into space! Put washing on with TWO HANDS. Two hands! A luxury!
This is hard work.
I go to sleep with Starry’s giggle playing over and over in my head like a lullaby.
I feel immensely protective over pregnant mamas and new mamas and any mama.
I get it now. I really get it.
Oh god, why is baby crying now?
Why do I have to be so responsible now?
Oh look, she just lifted her head for ten seconds!!! She is amazing!!
Oh god, why is she waking up so often? Whyyyyy?
I need chocolate.
The sight of her and her daddy melts my heart. That is love.
Oh gawd, she just fell asleep on his chest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful in my life.
Am I doing a good enough job?
I should be doing better!
When I look in her eyes it is like looking at the dearest friend on the planet.
I wish I could make things more sacred.
Holy dinger this is hard.
Breastfeeding is the best!
Breastfeeding sucks!!!
Breastfeeding is hard work!
Thank God for breastfeeding, gosh it makes things easy.
I LOVE YOU WORLD!!!
I can’t imagine doing all this again.
I can’t imagine life without Starry.
Please no one touch me. I’m all touched out.
Oh gawd I look tired.
Things will get easier. Deep breaths.
Will I ever feel like my self again?
Free time? Ha ha ha HA HA HA!!!!! HAAAA!!!
Everything they say about motherhood is true.
I am becoming a freakin Buddha!
But this is hard work!
This moment only once.

And I can think this all in one day. One hour even.

Wherever you are, dearest… New mama, older mama, maiden, child-free, crone, grandmother… I want to open out my arms to you. Fling them open to your loveliness and your humanity. Your bravery and your vulnerability. Your strengths and your frailty. Whoever you are, however you are, I love you and am in awe of you. This life thing is big work, isn’t it? But we’re doing it. We’re doing it with our tender hearts, our imperfections, and the light that peers through all our cracks. Even at our most disheveled, wrinkled, broken, tired, we are more luminous than we ever hoped possible.

You are so welcome to add your own mama thoughts in the Comments Circle… know this place is held in safety, without judgement, in love and goddess mama support.

Can you imagine if there was a cheersquad of angels pom-poming our names? I believe there are…

Where Mermaids Belong.

Hola my darlinghearts,

So we went to the sea.

To my favourite beach a little drive away.

Horseshoe Bay – a sweet cove with a coral reef hemming its edge.

And we walked on sand so soft. And washed our feet in water so clear.

And kissed and hugged.

And found shell art and chased soldier crabs and ate lunch beneath the trees, my legs forming a hammock for our Little Mermaid.

And said:

We belong here. Let’s never move away again. The sea is where we belong.

And stood on rocks with arms open – wide – to let it all soak in.

Reminder to Switch Off Sunday

Hola darling hearts!

Happy SoS day!

Consider this your official invitation to switch off this Sunday!

You can switch off for an hour, an afternoon or go the whole unicorn and do ze whole day!

Here’s the Masterlist of SoS glorious things to do to get you dreaming…

What about you dearest?

How will you spend your luscious SoS?

I’d love to hear your plans!

big switched off love!


Tour of the New Mermaid Cottage: Part 1! Ze bedroom!

Hola my darlinghearts,

Yippee!!! It’s the day!

Fiiiiiiinalllllly, I get to share some pics of our new cottage with you!

It’s been a month and a half of settling in… slowly finding our place & space in our new cottage.

As I shared before I left Canberra about falling in love with being a minimalist goddess

I wanted to create a feeling of Calm. Space. Peace. Ease.

I wanted rainbows, but I wanted soft creams as well.

Art & crystals, without feeling cluttered or hemmed in.

So… here’s the tour…

Starting with Part 1: our bedroom! Weeoooo!

Our bed. Gosh I love our bed.

It’s a king size. Just perfect.

And yes, we have separate doonas/blankets – my love & I have been doing this for *years*.

Want to know our secret to sleeping harmoniously with your partner?

A king size bed + separate blankets. Happy, happy days.

Little Mermaid has fit in so perfectly into our bed. Check out her beautiful little quilt that a gorgeous goddess made for her!

Also, must point out:

The ENJOY in the window. Me hearts.

And the 100+ year old wooden walls. Leonie is in love.

Beside our bed: we share one bedside table {I keep my bedside against the wall… I like it that way… plus makes me feel safer with co-sleeping!}

The table is a mixture of us.

A mermaid toy.

A pile of books.

Crystals.

You know.

The important things.

Hanging over our bed is this beauty…

An ocean goddess print by Penelope.

Want to hear a miracle?

I went to boarding school when I was 16. On my first day, I met a beautiful, earthy soul named Helena. She is the epitome of kindness and loveliness.

Years later, she moved to the same city I was in.

And the first time I went to visit her apartment?

She had this exact same print framed on the wall.

Of which there are only 20 in the world – Penelope did them as a super-limited print run, & they sold out within just hours.

And me & my dear friend own two of them.

And we didn’t even know.

I heart synchronicity.

Leonie is very, very happy here.

The old glass pane windows.

Tying curtains in knots… reminds me of dreamy beach cottages.

An old wooden cupboard (amazingly enough, this fits *all* of my love & me’s clothes in it! We pared everything down so we could just focus on having a beautiful, simple, joyful life here.)

The dreamcatcher I was given on my 15th birthday, and has followed me everywhere since.

The FAITH painting I did for my word of the year last year… that became Ostara’s middle name.

A quartz crystal chunk.

Buddha hand bookends from my beautiful friend Lile.

{These books are Chris’ “To Read Pile”}

And of course, Charlie doggy at my feet.

He’s never far from them.

Since we first laid eyes and hearts on each other, that’s how it’s been.

Oh!

And the floor! Sorry! I got distracted by adorable puppeh.

I love our floor.

It *looks* and *feels* like old distressed wooden boards.

Instead, it’s lino OVER old distressed wooden boards.

I feel like an old Italian grandmother sweeping it.

*happy sigh*

And how could I take an aerial shot without including this beauty?

She is perfection.

I hang necklaces + prayer beads on door handles.

This one is a japa mala I made for my love one Christmas…

It is handmade from tiger’s eye & orange calcite.

And one of my very very favourite parts of our bedroom… an antique dressing table that belonged to one of my mum’s friend’s grandmothers.

I’m so in love with this dressing table that it’s not funny.

The wood.

The mirror shape.

The blue mirror insets.

Happy, happy days.

P.S. where did Leonie’s bum go?

I’m not kidding.

It went MIA when I became pregnacious.

Where has my missing booty gone?

In other news:

Spot the Charlie puppy!

And SO IN LOVE with our mirror!

My drum.

I found this beauty in a music store, and knew it was mine.

I use it in ceremonies + at retreats.

I use it to create sacred space.

I use it as a shield.

Mostly, I like to look at it with love pouring from my eyes.

And now for some details…

Check out my flipping adorable fairy hairbrush holder.

Thanks to Chris’ mama for this one.

And a dish from my grandmother… a shell 🙂

Holy dinger adorable!

Perfect for a mermaid cottage!

Also: Please note my beauty products array:

A bottle of Bio-Oil to splash on my face as moisturiser every couple of days when it gets dry.

A stick of Eve Perez almond oil moisturiser that gets used twice a year.

That’s it.

I have a very complicated beauty routine.

And the rest?

A startling array of Australian Bushflower Essences, Rescue Remedy cream + aromatherapy.

Two of my favourites…

One of my mermaid friends…

and my beloved buffalo.

And kisses in the bedroom window…

Will show you ze rest of ze house over the next couple of weeks 🙂 I’m still working on making the lounge room flow… so might re-do ze Create your Goddess Haven e-course when it starts up in Goddess Circle in two days! And yus… I totally take my own courses 😉 I’m doing ze Radiant Goddess e-course at ze moment because my system was feeling really sluggish and needed a reboost of radiance. I flipping heart it!

So yus! More tour coming up soon! But for now…

What do you think dearest hearts?

Do you think I got the right combination of creativity + space?

Can you feel ze minimalism + hippy loving mermaid cottageness?

Big LOVE YOU!
xoxoxox

Dearest Daughter

Dearest Ostara Faith Avalon,

It is nearly your six month birthday.

When you were a Little Mermaid, dancing in my womb, I thought to myself:

I will write to my daughter every month. I will tell her how she is growing and changing. I will tell her how much I love her. Yes, every month.

And I smiled and nodded to myself. It was a fine plan.

And then, beautiful girl, you were born into the world.

And it was the biggest, most wonderful day of my life.

And every day since then, I think to myself:

Yes, I will write that letter to her. I will tell her about the day she first smiled. The day her cord fell off. The day she first grasped. The day she first started gurgling. The day she outgrew infant nappies. The day she first held her head up. The day she only woke up once during the night. The day she recognised her Daddy, and wobbled her body with such joy when he came home.

And all the days since. You, the most exquisite thousand petalled lotus flower.

Every day, you grow, you change.

Every day, a new petal of you unfurls and blooms.

Every day, you amaze us.

Every day, we talk about you in hushed, glowing words to each other:

Just look at her honey. Look what she can do now.

You are the applest apple of our eye.

But as for those letters… those letters each month to you?

They are not written down on paper, or in text.

They are only written down in my heart, in my hands, in my shoulders, in my eyes.

My hands have been filled with you, my heart encompassed by you. My shoulders have carried you everywhere we’ve gone. My eyes seek yours out.

I am filled by you and surrounded by you and doing anything outside of caring for you can get beyond me.

But the honest part?

I could have found the time to write the letters.

But what on earth could I have said?

How could I even possibly find the words to tell you just how much I adore you, and how my life is changed because of you?

Everything sounds too contrite and rehearsed, when I so long to be able to lay bare just how deep, wide and heart-naked my love is for you.

People ask me if I love being a mama.

And I say:

I don’t think of it like that. All I really feel is that I really, really love Ostara and I want to be with her as much as possible.

I think you are the funniest, wisest, most loving person I have ever met.

Your smile lights up rooms and universes, especially the rooms and universes inside me.

I can’t possibly think of my life before I knew you.

I think of when you were still swimming inside me, and how you used to roll your back against my hand. And I think:

That was her. My strong, sweet, wise, funny, radiant girl.

Every day, when we are walking up the street, you in my Ergo right next to my heart, people will stop to see you.

And they’ll say:

What a beautiful, beautiful baby! Just look at those big blue eyes!

And I’ll sigh happily and say:

Yes, she is a sweetheart.

And they’ll say:

Oh, is she a good baby? That’s good! We want good babies!

And I’ll get a little furrow on my brow, and I’ll try to explain that ALL babies are good. Even ones that cry a lot, or wake up a lot, or need extra love and help in this world to feel comfortable.

But I stumble over my words.

I don’t know how to tell the world that all babies are utterly lovable and are truly good. That they are worthy of unconditional love, kindness and respect… just as each soul on this planet is.

Instead, I just love you. I try to show the world instead of telling them.

I don’t want you to misread my words of course. Because you don’t cry a lot at all. And you are pretty ding dang happy with life, especially if you are in your mama’s arms. And because I sleep with you in the crook of my arm, I barely register how many times you wake up in the night to feed.

But none of those things are about you being a good baby or not.

I guess what I am trying to say my darling daughter…

Is that you do not have to do one thing in this world to be good. You already are. It is what is inside you. It is what you were born from: the brightest, most shining white light I have seen or known.

So, over and over dearest, beyond the days of new tasks mastered, and new developments created, and new skills discovered… I want you to know you are good. You are loved with every fibre of my being. That you are safe to be who you are. That I trust you, and love you.

And that every day I get to spend with you is better than any day spent with Quan Yin or Buddha.

Thank you for letting me be your mama.

Thank you for cupping my face in your hands, and gazing into my eyes with exquisite love.

Thank you for the gift of you – over and over.

Happy nearly-six month birthday my darling daughter.

I am honoured and blessed and beyond proud to be in your life, and to love you with all I have.

love forever,

Mama