Hola scrumptious hearts,
Thank you from my heart to yours for all the love, support, sharing, and kindred-spiritness about walking this grief journey. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I don’t know how to share just how much I am blessed and grateful that I share this goddess journey with you all. A thousand goddess sisters, all lifting each other up.
Last night, I had a dream I was in Jerusalem with Justin and a group of friends. We were eating gluten free pizza and raspberry smoothies, and checking out archaeological digs.
This morning, I remembered a funny thing that happened a couple of weeks ago. It makes so much sense now… I kept having dreams about my darling friend DB – he was my closest friend as a teenager. He was always like a little brother to me – just like JC was to Chris. Anyways, I kept dreaming of DB, and each time I would wake up and a voice would say: Tell DB you love him! I kept ignoring it. I didn’t want to be one of those crazy hippies sending soppy emails (ha!) But then the voice said to me: You’re going to kick yourself if DB leaves the planet and you don’t tell him you love him. So I did. And it was really beautiful. And then JC left. Bugger. SO CLOSE, intuition. SO CLOSE. Aaah well – what can I do but trust it was all perfect anyway?
I wrote the below the day before Justin passed away. It makes more sense now more than ever.
***
Over the last few weeks, I could feel the long fingers of panic creeping back into my life. First with little moments of breathlessness. Then a vague feeling of strain looping around my chest. Until it became The Great Unignorable, stopping me in my tracks with a gaping hole in my solar plexus and rasping breaths.
Hello, dear panic attacks. You are here again.
It’s understandable of course. My mind is a kind big sister to my nervous system:
But of course you feel like this dearest! You just became a mama and you are working how to care for a babe AND you are in the middle of selling your house just as the market went a bit down and your first buyers pulled out and your second ones still haven’t signed the contracts but hopefully should be right this very moment AND you are moving AND mr hottie has quit his job to move AND you worry about your business like all business owners do. And have I mentioned you just became a mama? It’s utterly understandable for you to feel this way.
Thanks big sister mind! You rock!
So I stopped ignoring it.
What do you need, dearest heart?
I need walks at dusk. I need long slow breaths. I need to feel like I’m not the headless running chook. And I need energy put back into me again. I need some healing and restoration.
So I went to see my lovely blue eyed acupuncturist this morning. It’s funny how different life is BB and AB. Before Babe and After Babe). AB meant an acupuncture appointment for me was an orchestrated event like a ballet consisting of sitting in the back seat with Starry while we drove there to sing Eency Weency Spider (she’s still not a fan of car rides), getting there early enough to feed her again, talking to the acupuncturist while cooing at her, mr soul hunk taking her for a walk while I got acupuncture only to return ten minutes later with an unsettled little mermaid, then for the thrilling overture, him hovering lil mermaid over my un-needled boob to feed her while I pissed myself laughing. Aaaah, mamahood, you really do teach me how to be strong, zen and laughing!
So between the intricate baby balleting, Lovely Acupuncture Man told me all the things I was experiencing were from a depleted system after a year of pregnancy, birthing and breastfeeding. It makes sense really. Mamas are amazing creator creatures… We really do need to top up our energy levels. Acupuncture dude also suggested some not-so-delicious herbs to restore my system, which I readily agreed to. What I’ve learned since becoming a mama is that my own health (and mood) is crazy important to keeping our lil family floating along beautifully. So any investment I can make in keeping me healthy and radiant is really damn worth it. That’s what I say anyway!
Then today we had sacred synchronicity play into our lives. We were guided to a mall, and ran into a lovely angel friend who I circled with a few years ago. She’s an amazing mama, and we ended up eating pies together with our three and a half fairy children (she’s getting ready to welcome another little empress in her life! SO beautiful!)
It was just the balm I needed. We talked about all the good things: mamahood, birthing, bushflower essences, red tents and women circles. I could feel Chris beside me grinning. It was just like old times – talking about life and spirit interwoven. We felt like our old selves – just this time with a four month old mermaid sitting on us, eating paper as the bigger kids drew pictures of lions.
Aaaahhhh… Our old selves… We’ve missed you! As much as we’ve grown, we still haven’t quite integrated our old spirit-talking ways back into our lives fully. Does that make sense? When me and hunky do talk, it’s a rush to talk about feelings and moving and new parenthood. We don’t get to share as deeply about our spirits as we used to. I know things will change again – they always do. It was just so precious to be talking our talk again today.
My panic attacks have ebbed away again. I’ve promised myself good self care… Rejuvenating myself with soul tonics: Australian Bushflower Essences in Calm & Clear and Emergency mixes. Sleep. Green smoothies. Gentle talks with my love. Multivitamins. Stopping having Perfect Parenting rules on myself, and giving myself a bit of slack, a bit of space, a bit of kindness.
Just the remedies this mama needs…
What about you dearest heart? What are your soul tonics? How do you heal panic attacks?
I love you I love you I love you,
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
You are so beautiful.
And I love you.
THANK YOU for sharing your journey with us. We are SO blessed by your presence!
Today I read an article about grief. It said the new ‘normal’ isn’t always the new ‘pleasant’. It’s just the new normal.
It helped me to read those words.
Also, thank you for sharing the tremendous importance of good self care. I have come to realize this treasured wisdom for the wealth it is over the past few years.
For me, soul renewal MUST include sleep. It is my escape. And the place where my body can most take care of its needs without interference (except the occasional bad dream). Also, speaking my needs/truths is important. Stating where I am and allowing myself to just BE there = priceless.
And, of course, time with Nature is a tremendously healing balm.
And time with goddess friends.
As soon as I read “walk at dusk” the tears started and haven’t stopped. But that’s okay. That’s what I needed. The release. The tonic for my soul. My son, who is 14 now, suffers from prostrating migraines (has since age 9) so for right now, I am there for him. I panic when he gets them which is frequently and until he’s old enough to take care of himself or he grows out of them, I am there. I won’t rest until its done. But again, that’s okay. I breathe, I be, I try to focus, I walk and I pray. I pray they go away so it can all be normal again. My wishes haven’t been heard yet, but I am sure they will be one day.
Namaste,
Diana
I’m still working on figuring that out (how to heal panic attacks). There have definitely been a lot of those panic freak-outs taking up residence within my soul, lately. Not pleasant. So much change going on at work, with family, with personal health conditions, etc. ‘Spirit messages’ that I don’t know whether to take as truth, or just my overactive imagination. I still dread the night time. It just feels so “dark” now – like everyone on the earth has disappeared and me & my kitty are the only ones left. (Wish Gypsy Kitty & I could just move to Crystal Brook Retreat and live in peace & harmony with other Lightworkers!
I miss feeling angels, guides, and loved ones around me. They seem so far away, lately during these moments of confusion and despair. But every once in awhile, a sliver of peace slips though & shines a tiny ray of light, even if just for a brief moment, so that is what keeps me going through these dark & scary places.
Peace, Love & Light…
Leonie, your commentry on panic attacks – you’ve helped me to recognise my ice-bound submergence as what it is. I walk a similar path with you, my brother’s transition is anticipated, toxic family freezes one’s loving responses. I will no longer bash my head against the proverbial brick wall, but I can walk along the lakeside and see him float peacefully along the wind’s currents to the vast Love ocean ahead.
Blessed be. Amazing Grace
Oh sweetest, I do know how it feels to be consumed by panic attacks. Also how important it is to try to stay on top of things as a mother, father, carer or just yourself. As a single Mumma I can’t afford to fall apart for a few minutes and Abbey’s recent diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes at 3 really makes me feel so isolated and alone. I miss having a partner in my life, not to take over if I can’t but to be taking the journey with. People prone to panic attacks sometimes have high standards and expectations of themselves and not being able to achieve that exacerbates anxiety, I know you are a perfectionist but as you’ve shown us lately you’re also gorgeously normal, you got us talking about things that we hadn’t shared, it was amazing! I’ve been having panic attacks since I was a child, coupled with obsessive compulsive thoughts and neither of these were diagnosed until after my son was born 15 years ago. Finally a name for this fear that I kept to myself. That came to a peak after I lost my boyfriend in an accident, as a nurse I was having bizarre thoughts of running down and putting a mattress on the ground where he fell. Then panic postnatal because I thought something out of my control would harm my darling boy. Then when he was diagnosed at 6 the panic was extreme again and compulsive handwashing started but with cognitive behaviour therapy I overcame that. Now a year ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and all I could think of was I was alone, a sole parent and Abbey’s father disappeared a week into my pregnancy, ‘I have to beat this!’ which I did, then as soon as I let my defences down I cried and a year to the day Abbey was diagnosed and for weeks I ran on shock and again, perfection. Then I finally cried my heart out.
So, years of different events and trying different methods to help myself when I finally let go would be realising it is only a panic attack and I’ll be OK, the paperbag works if you are overbreathing, it just helps to rebreath a bit more because too much oxygen makes you feel dizzy which adds to the panic, I used SOS Remedy, an Australian Bushflower remedy so I’m glad you mentioned that, meditation, deep breath in then out slowly counting from 10 to 1, yoga which helps me relax my body stressed into a pose, a good cry, music! Music, music, music! Walking, I have a few lovely areas of bushland nearby and I just love to connect with nature. Then the belief that everything will be OK, no matter what happens finally you will look back and say “WE DID IT!”, life gets hectic, children take up a lot of time but when you, Chris and Ostara move you will have family to do some of the loving while you both spend some quality time together, spend time in your sacred places, talk just like you did before. Those precious moments are coming back, it’s just a temporary priority shift! No situation is permanent sweetie and I believe in you, your strength, your intuition and your capabilities!
Both of you have had a lot of loss and change in the last year, no wonder it has you feeling like this. I’m so sorry to hear about your friend passing, it must have been an awful shock. My wholehearted love to you both.
Love and Light,
Liza xoxoxo
Hi Leonie,
Glad to hear that you are feeling better now. I used to have severe panic attacks myself, brought on by chronic illness.
Panic attacks signify to me several things specifically:
~ I have taken a wrong turn on my life journey & I need to find my way back;
~ I have compromised or have not been authentic & true to my highest self in some way on some level
~ I’m stalling on taking the required action to fully bring into manifestation my expression of my highest self
So I figure that’s good for me, really, no nonsense shoot from the hip targeted feedback from my system. The tricky bit is recognizing & actually acknowledging that I’m having the panics!
I also deeply understand the importance of not ignoring it & even more importantly, listening to it. For it is after all just another aspect of our highest self speaking to us, loving us so much that it will never fail to notify us & remind us of our essential needs that we ourselves may have forgotten on the conscious level, being lost in the whirlwinds & whirlpools of physical existence.
Self care. It is so important to our well-being & yet it always, always seems to be the first thing that we set aside once life starts revving up a notch or two. So important & yet so habitually expendable.
Crazy conundrum isn’t it?
I’m so glad to hear that you are taking the time to care for yourself again. It is so incredibly important!
I used to get panic attacks frequently, first in university when papers were due, then afterwards when I thought my life was going nowhere. Now that I’m writing, I don’t get them any more.
If I feel down, or stressed, or angry, I put pen to paper and everything tumbles out, leaving me feeling lighter – as if the burden of everything I was carrying is now a paper-weight.
Writing has really helped me.
And, of course, so have you. Your example has helped me to chase my dreams with courage and vigour. I love you, darling-heart!
What a beautiful post. Thank you. And also, just wanted to let you know that I am making so many green smoothies lately!
It’s so funny that we can forget about our personal needs when things get “crazy” in life.Shouldn’t that be the time that we should focus on keeping ourselves replenished the most? ( The times when we need the best of ourselves to handle everything?! ) XD
Ah, well. I’m glad you realized what was wrong and have found solutions to meet all of your needs~ mindbody and spirit.
Take care and thanks for sharing!
Dear Leonie;
It’s ironic that you are asking for advice on panic attacks considering I was hoping from some from you. I have suffered from panic disorder my entire life, and after drugs and years of different therapies have only lightened the shade of gray, I thought perhaps you, a goddess, would know some alternative method that really did work.
I actually had a piece published in The Sun about my experiences.
I’m sorry to say that I have no good advice except faith and a caring family, a loving pet and a journal. The rest is deep breaths…