Dear Little One,
It’s been four months and one week since you came into our lives, & chose me and your papa to be your parents, guides, teachers and students.
This is written a week after our four months anniversary because, as you will soon learn, your mama doesn’t much tend to work on human time. She prefers instead the fluid energy of mermaid time. We’re lucky though – your papa, although built of the same watery Scorpionic energy as me – has Capricorn rising and will gently guide us through the gates of human time when we need it.
This last month, I’ve been struck by just how much I need your papa. We’ve been in love for a very long time, yes – but you see, your mama has always been a determined, passionate, independent kind of spirit. When I want things to happen, I make them happen. I’ve always felt that I would be fine with or without love. If I hadn’t met your daddy, I would probably choose the life of a goddess nun instead.
But this last moon… I’ve felt for the first time just how much I need your papa. How much I crave him. When a loud crack of thunder disrupts my sleep, I’m reaching over for his arm. I dissolve into tears in your daddy’s arms, asking him to please never leave me. And he chuckles, and kisses the top of my head, and says to me My darling, why would I ever leave you? We’re together forever.
And I know it’s true. Your papa was made out of a strong, unusual kind of essence – the kind of spirit that mates for life.
There’s only a few animals that do that: the Dingo. the Swan. the Eagle. the Penguin. And your papa.
And why do I have this irrational fear of your papa leaving?
Probably because for the first time since I was a child and needed my own mama, I am vulnerable. I’m no longer a twenty-six year old woman. I’m a twenty-six year old mama-to-be. There’s not just me now, inhabiting this world of mine. There’s me, and there’s you. And you are made of both me and your papa, and we need him in our lives. And we’re blessed – because your papa is the most rock-solid, I’m-here-for-you, truest man I have ever known.
I wrote to your Aunty Sone this morning to tell her about all these wild, crazy, silly fears, and she wrote back:
He is a dear soul Miss Leonie, and he shines for only one person – that person is you my sweet friend. He loves you so so much…bigger then the ocean…endlessly and it is beautiful to see.
This path has been filled with big lessons. I find myself returning back to trust and faith… resting in the knowing that he is holding us both, right beside me on this path of transformation and change – with all the fear, love and joy that it brings with it. Your mama is learning how to be truly vulnerable without her strong warrior goddess shell.
I want you to know that it is okay to feel everything that comes up for you. And that everything will be beautiful.
(Angel is snoring as I write this. She too is in love with your papa, and has been guarding his blanket all morning so she can smell him. That doggy and I have too much in common.)
I think the blessing of this all, is that I am learning even more about me & your papa’s connection and past lives together. I’ve always known that we have come together, again and again, to love and teach each other. And I glimpse that in at least one life we were both spiritual teachers – he was the Merlin to my Morgaine.
Last night I dreamed a dream about us, and someone said “I always thought Chris would end up with someone who used to live in a faraway place named Avalon.”
And I thought: That would be me.
And I waited and waited for Chris to come find me again, knowing for certain that he would, and that he could feel all I was thinking – that we lived and vibrated on the same radio waves of the soul.
This morning, I woke up just as your papa left for work. He sat by my side of the bed, and kissed me goodbye, and out of nowhere said:
Maybe you should read Mists of Avalon again. That was a good book!
And I smiled… knowing that somehow his soul knew to say Avalon to me this morning, like it was the key that unlocked the door to a thousand lifetimes of our love together before, and a thousand more lifetimes to come.
All I want to say is… your papa is a magical, and powerful man. To find him, and to keep on finding was as if I went walking through a forest one day, and found a unicorn. He is as enchanting as that.
And I get to share him with you. We are two of the luckiest souls around.
This moon, your mama has also been learning some big lessons about cave time, and honouring stillness, and choosing who gets to come in this sacred mama-cave of ours.
I do love brief respites in my cave, and let myself be swallowed up by the cave during our first trimester. Now though, as my health and vitality and puke-free existence return to me, I have found myself returning to old ways: over-extending my self. Overcommitting. Saying Yes to too many things and draining my stores of buffalo energy instead of giving myself a safe boundary of No instead. Being more willing to put myself out than anyone else.
But again, I have learned, I cannot do this.
I could not do it for my own soul’s sake, and what’s more, now I cannot do it because of you. You are the most important gem in the world that needs my love, and self-care, and nurturing. And I give it to you whole-heartedly. As I feed myself, I feed you. As I nourish my own soul, I nourish yours.
I also learned that old lesson of mine again – to honour my intuition and not always continue friendships and connections where they are offered.
And it’s hard, and it forces you to really walk your talk, and be true with you… but that in the end, it’s always a blessing, and a miracle.
I want you to know that your intuition is a powerful tool, and to use it whenever it calls you. Not everyone will have the same intuition as you. Not everyone will always understand or agree. And it won’t matter.
Everytime I make those big, hard decisions to let go of a connection, I receive energy back where once it was drained. And moons later, I will learn why I needed to make that choice, and that it was the right one to make.
You have permission to choose people in your life who fill you up, make your spirit sing, give you as much beautiful energy as you give them, and remind you of your highest self.
This moon, with the help of a magnificent reading from Goddess Tanishka, I remembered that I needed to start creating and carving space in my life to be a mama.
I had all these big, wild, huge ambitions for my business over the coming year, and I didn’t really put two and two together that there is only one of me to go around – that I need to be your mama first and foremost, and the rest will follow in its own time.
I’m looking at ways I can keep sharing the message of how women can feel like goddesses in their lives… but in ways that mean I can be present with you in my initiation as mother goddess.
It’s huge and scary to let go of that ambitious Athena Goddess inside me – she has been a part of my life for so long now.
But I am also filled with hope and tenderness and gladness of the messages, wisdom and love that wait for me when I do let it go… and embrace the new, soft Goddess of the Moment.
(There is also a part of me that feels the need to not be judged for being that Athena Goddess for that time as well. It was perfect for me for the time that it was there.)
There is something changing inside me. My mama said to me the other day on the phone:
Darling, I just watched your videos talking about pregnancy. There is something changing in your face. It is growing softer. It looks less like a cherubic maiden’s face… and more like a mama’s.
It is true. I am slowly seeing this too.
And it’s all because of you.
This journey to you is huge, and holy, and big, and blessed, and transformative, and sacred. There are lessons, and there are blessings… and everyday I face a new part of my spirit. Everyday, I find the medicine that takes me from maiden into mother. And it’s been the biggest journey I have ever taken…
and I wouldn’t have it any other way.