Hola gorgeous Goddess,
You know what? I’m always talking about having creative courage. I encouraged clients to do it. I make my life about having courage and faith as much as possible.
So now it’s time for me to do something which takes the hugest amount of creative courage I can muster.
And that is to play an instrument and sing. Two things which scare the shit out of me.
I wasn’t always like this of course.
I used to actually sing sing… like make up songs on my uncle’s guitar, and sing in choirs, and sing in country music festivals.
And I made mistakes. And eventually I got too embarrassed by myself to sing anymore.
The last time I sang – really sang – was when I was 17, at a cattle sale near my boarding school (uh, yeah, I’m a small-town country girl… hellloooo cattle sale sing-a-longs!). I was the School Captain, and me and another girl were asked to sing the National Anthem in the sales ring. And we were placed just in front of the school band… and when the music started, I realised I couldn’t hear myself. I couldn’t hear the girl next to me. I couldn’t hear anything but the band. And when you can’t hear yourself sing? Wow… there’s no room for self-regulation at all. So I didn’t hear myself sing atrociously – I only guessed that it might have been that way later. By the way our headmaster said to us too kindly: well done girls… that anthem is one of the hardest songs to sing…
And being all Type-A-perfectionist with a side of ginormous hippy-la-la, I stopped singing publicly back then. If I couldn’t do something perfectly, I wasn’t going to do it all right?
Even though singing brought me a great amount of joy. Even though *I* liked my voice – even when others didn’t. Even though it reminded me of my uncle, who sang country music songs like an angel. Even though I spent hours mustering with my little sister on horseback, coming up with new songs to sing together on “Sister FM.” Even though singing felt as natural to me as the paddocks and the sky.
I was just tired of not being thought of as perfect. I didn’t want to give anyone any reasons – ever – for me to be vulnerable. I didn’t want to suck.
So I stopped.
And the same with guitars, really.
They remind me of my uncle, and my horse, and old wooden furniture, and all the dreams of who I wanted to be.
They also remind me of fumbling, straining to reach the chords, straining to hear the sounds… getting increasingly frustrated because sound is not a natural creative gift for me. I want it to be – oh how I do – but my ears can’t hear the colour of tunes like my eyes can see the tones of colour.
And I met my love – a man who is formerly an audio engineer. A man with wide ears, ripe for listening. A man who can pick up any instrument and play it. A man who can listen to songs, and begin to strum them out on his many guitars. And it’s hot – let me tell you… there is nothing sexier than a man who can play guitar. Except maybe a man who has just finished gardening, is a little sweaty, has just jumped up on a big chestnut horse, and is playing his guitar on the horse. {And this is the post wherein the world discovers just what a cowgirl this goddess is at heart.}
Now where was I? Oh yes, a guitar playing man is hottt with three T’s. And it also gave me an excuse to not fumble over the strings anymore.
Why fumble when I could just watch perfection instead?
But still… my heart did a little flip-flop when it saw the fuscia guitar my love gave to me sitting in a corner.
That singing, guitar-playing goddess inside me still longed to be let out.
Still wanted to play. Still wanted to make her own music in the world.
The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. – Henry Van Dyke
I’m too old to give a shit whether someone thinks my voice sucks or not.
I’m too old to care whether my guitar playing is perfect or squelchy.
And yup – I’m only 27 – but I just spent ten years not singing and not playing because I was afraid of what someone else might think.
I was afraid of what *I* might think. I was afraid of being imperfect.
And I’m no longer allowing that fear to quieten my voice, my spirit, or my contagious, infectious joy anymore.
This is me… singing a song, playing a guitar.
Having creative courage to do something… even when it means learning something new. Even when it means not doing it perfectly.
Even when it means doing the thing that scares me.
Especially when it means doing something that makes me totally, ridiculously heart-happy.
Having Creative Courage from Goddess Leonie on Vimeo.
I believe in you,
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
you are such an inspiration.
i still can’t believe you’re just 27!
such an old soul…
and now you are bringing a new soul into the world too…
making it a better place
so beautiful and brave you are!
Hi Leonie,
My name is Valencia and I’m deaf. I recently ordered your book last week. I totally love this guidebook, it helps me to get up and do something each day. Your post today is sooo encouraging! You’re overcoming your fears and so happy! I have this huge fear that scares me, the fear of driving. I’m 24 and I’m soo scared to death of driving on a highway! I don’t know how to overcome that but your post is helping me to be creative with my courage of overcoming this fear. I realized that I want to move forward, and I’m tired of sitting around and depending on my family to take me to places, I really really want to get out and explore on my own, to see the world and be happy.
Lord, I don’t know how but I’m trusting in you with my life
)
Thanks so much for this post!
Val.
You have a *beautiful* voice! I’ll bet the little mermaid loves hearing her Mama sing.
I totally get what you mean about not doing things if you think you can’t do them perfectly. I’m that way about painting, though I have canvases, acrylics, and palettes in my closet. But, if you can video yourself singing and playing guitar even though it scares you, I can face the unused paints and blank canvases. Maybe I’ll do that this weekend.
Thank you for posting this! ((Hugs))
omg i loved this post…………..and i *loved* your singin voice leonie – wow that was special!!!!!!!!!! xxx
Oh, Leonie I love you for doing this. Music is one of my buried dreams, but if you can do this, oh my, why NOT?! I signed up for a songwriting course in September with Jonatha Brooke.. it’s scary but it’s far off and doesn’t seem real.. anyway, keep singing!!!
yay, Leonie! Thank you for sharing your beautiful, brave, singing self! xo
I’d forgotten how well you sing, Leonie! You have nothing to be ashamed off… a beautiful voice.
Big hugs for being so courageous (I still won’t sing in front of people).
Love always,
Sonia.
Oh Leonie….
This post was great. I loved the video, I thought you sounded wonderful. You have a folk style voice that fits your hippy spirit perfectly. I really love that you challenge yourself to overcome your fears. You are truely an inspiration.
Much Love,
Laura
Leonie – you are such an inspiration! Thank you for sharing your personal journey with the world. I love how much fun you were having in this video! It must have felt so freeing to do it! I sang in my school days, too, but also ceased singing in public b/c of feeling not good enough – so I understand how much courage it took to do this video! You GO girl!!! I’m so proud of you! Have a magical day!
We are like kindred souls! My dad plays guitar and used to play and sing folk songs in cafes in Newtown. My whole Feeney clan are musical, my nan had a song for every occasion, the family would gather around the piano, it was beautiful and I love singing so much but when I was about 7 I was listening to Ruby Tuesday by the Rolling Stones with headphones on and mum and dad were laughing, when I realised they were laughing at me I burst into tears! So the only time I would sing was with my sister Linda in our room or later in life after a few drinks (hmmmmm). At home though there is always music on and I am always singing, especially when I am happy! My son has always told me I am such a great singer, he says I blend in so well it sounds like it’s me singing, it’s amazing how as a parent you lose your inhibitions. But at school, or when we all sang Happy Birthday I would mime, no one noticed! Then a few years ago I was doing a diploma in Children’s Services and shock horror – I had to get up solo in front of the whole class and sing an age appropriate song, my worst nightmare! I was 34 and my classmates were all 17-18 years old, I was terrified! So I had to sum up the courage, practiced in front of Nate and threw caution to the wind and got a distinction! To me though it was like I had won an ARIA!!! So I went back to nursing at the Red Cross, bought myself my own Fender acoustic and now with a 3 year old I am singing all the time, last week Nate and I sat in his room and while he cranked out some Nirvana we both sang in harmony and it felt so divine!
Anyway, you amaze me! I know exactly that feeling, that time when something makes you so self conscious that you can’t do the thing you love. But look at you now! We have listened, we have loved and your little one, your hottee and yourself will be singing three part harmonies without a care in the world! Perfect! You ROCK!
Much love,
Liza
I can’t watch the video on my phone but it doesn’t matter whether I think you can sing or not, the fact that you did it is amazing! My dad was a semi-pro singer and my mam is tone deaf. She used to sing to herself til he laughed at her and now she doesn’t
I fell in love with a professional musician and that was intimidating to me (having inherited my mam’s musical ability) and he left me for another singer. I always wanted to learn the guitar a bit but too many associations… maybe I’ll see how much they are second hand 
I’m so glad you had the courage to do this!
Leonie you are beautiful and gifted – this is such an inspiration to watch. Total love and respect to your gorgeous, courageous spirit. I found your music and voice enchanting. You go girl! xxx
Your voice is amazing!! You are so talented.
You have a beautiful voice Leonie. Awesome so brave, your little mermaid is loving it!
Beautiful! I can totally relate with letting a fear keep a part of your happiness at bay. And I’m working on mine, but slowly, LOL. You are wonderful and I’ll bet your little one loves to hear you sing! <3
Love your voice, but specially your courage!
It’s great to do something scary every day
You have a sweet, sweet voice and you are such an inspiration to not only tackle your fear but putting it out in the blogosphere too! You rock!
Leonie, this was great!!
hehe.. I was *cheering you through it! 
I loved this post! Just what I needed for reassurance as I’m going to publish my dream project in another week 
ahhhh!! 
I could relate to a lot of which you shared in wanting to do it right for so many years.. and then finally jumping in! 
Now, I also am enjoying the new things which make my heart so happy!! It is so freeing! I’m learning to sing this new song! 
lots of luv you are such an inspiration! hugs, Jenn
Love this, Leonie, love this!
You have the voice of a bard. I didn’t even have to try to imagine the campfire and family gathered around, my brain did that for me all by itself.
And the look on your face as you say “Mistake number one, I will continue on,” is PRICELESS. Wise and humorous at the same time.
Yay for creative courage! (I’m going to make it a point to sing a song today.)
YOU ARE MY HEROINE!!
much love to you <3
Oh dearest Leonie, this post speaks to me so very much at this time. I have a tradition where I study/learn something for the year (beginning at the Chinese New Year…coming up!) and I’ve been going back and forth as to whether this was the year if I was really going to just go for it and learn that guitar. I, too, have been wrapped up in just wanting to be GOOD at it (and had a guitar several years ago) but my sweetie at the time was very much like your sweetie now in his natural gift of being musically amazing. Instead of seeing this as an opportunity to have someone guide me, or inspire me, I looked at it as something I would never be as good at as him…so I stopped. This has always saddened me but this post has pushed me over to the side of committing to make this my creative endeavor this year.
Love you!
My goodness goddesses… I feel all scooped up with love. Thank you so deeply & dearly. May we all have the love & courage to do the things that scare us… and do them ridunkulously imperfectly.
I am so so blessed to know each & every one of your beautiful souls….
It’s true.
Oh my Leonie that brought back memories.
1st I would like to say that I loved it, you are a natural.
2nd it brought back memories of when my dad would come back after a bad day and sit in the study strumming his guartar away as he only knew the chords, and he use to sing “horse with no name”, “Hotel Californa” and “Pub with no beer” (time after time, as he thought he had these songs down pat lol, it was definately better then when he was learning new songs lol) at the time it use to annoy me because he can not sing to save him self and his strumming was just at bad, but now I look back at how happy and content he was just to sit there and sing to himself.
It makes people really happy to find something they like even if they are not good at it, as long as they are happy with is that is all that should matter.
Keep it up
Would love to hear more.
Sam
Leonie, you make my heart shine and know that I too am a Goddess! <3
Leonie,
This was WONDERFUL! Your voice is so magical! Please keep singing and being your wonderous self that is a light in my life everyday!
Tons of hugs love and brightest blessings!
<3
Hey Leonie ~ You brought tears to my eyes! You have a beautiful voice and you must keep doing this thing that makes your heart happy! I am so proud of you!
Hi, Leonie,
I just listened to your “Vimeo.”
I like your voice very much, but you gotta SING OUT! with Confidence! Easier said than done, I know.
My feeling (I like to sing, too) is: If you’re gonna sing, SING! Let that pretty voice soar!
Hope you don’t mind my “advice,” but I just know it’s the thing for you.
with Love,
Marilyn
Thanks Leonie, I am a Goddess whose gift of song has been too long hidden… I know music is part of my destiny here on Earth so I am working up to sharing it more and more, and writing some new songs. Thanks for sharing your story! I can totally relate to what you said here!