Aaaaaaaaaaaaah.
There is so much transformation in my life right now.
SO MUCH.
And I don’t know how to write about it easily. It’s not so much physical changes in my outside world. It’s like my inner world is being shaken and rearranged.
I kinda hate when people talk about change, but don’t really say what the change is though. It always makes me try to guess just what the dinger is going on.
So I’ll try my bestest to explain with specifics, yus?
I don’t know where this will go, but lets miander.
Let’s pretend we are the oldest and dearest of friends off on a walk together, through old parks and paddocks, stopping at cafes.
Last week, I became utterly convinced that I needed to cut all my hair off – ALL of it. Less than an inch long. And I nearly booked the haircut in, but something inside me said:
Just wait. Just for a moment.
And I did.
On Monday morning I did my new weekly “must-do-something-for-myself” ritual, and had an hour-long Pellowah healing session. In the six months since Ostara was born, it was the longest I had been away from her. I orchestrated it like the Grand Event it was. I fed her to sleep before I left, then installed Chris to lay beside her. Then I ran across our backyard, through the parking lot, down a tiny space between two buildings, across the street to Akiah‘s shop. It really is handy living on the same block as EVERYTHING in our small town.
And I promptly fell asleep on the healing table, and woke up an hour later feeling changed and shifted.
Running back home, fervently praying that Ostara wasn’t crying {she wasn’t}, I suddenly knew that I wouldn’t cut my hair off.
It feels like the energies are flying all around the place. Changes are coming thick and fast. In each moment, a yes can become a no, a no can become a yes.
I’ve become kind of over the top excitable about starting Christmas celebrating NOW. And buying a 2011 diary and calendar NOW. I think I really just want some time of celebration and decadence and ease. I want to watch silly movies in the afternoon and cook ridiculous things and decorate our little home until every inch of it is covered in glam and glitter. And if I’m really, really tenderly honest and vulnerable, I’m really looking forward to the promise of a new year. I just want it to be easier than 2010 has been.
And I totally judge myself for saying that. For not being super superheroine-ish. For finding this pace and stage of my life not so easy.
But then I remember:
Umm… Leonie? Do you remember what’s happened in the last year? You’ve managed to tick off nearly all the boxes of the Major Life Stressors.
We’ve bought a second house. Evicted tenants from hell. Grieved the loss of a grandmother and a dear friend. Left both of our jobs. Sold our home. Moved across the countryside. Oh, and given birth and had a first child and been a stay at home mum by myself in a city without a car or family or friends while Chris worked full-time. I look back on the last year, and I kind of shudder. It’s been really, really hard.
And oh gawd, I feel guilty when I say that. Why is it that we, as mothers, have to write rings of explanation before we get to the truth? That we feel compelled to say: I really really love my children, and I never want to give them away... before we can just come out and say: Oh god it is hard.
Coz yup, it’s hard. This mamahood thing really does kick my ass a lot.
Things are a whole lot better now I have my love at home with me.
But I feel like the last six months of new mamahood is catching up to me. I’ve been as brave and strong as I could be.
And now I don’t have to be. After pushing so hard to keep it all together and sell a house and move, I finally have a bit of space to breathe. To step into my feelings. To set down the big weight I feel like I’ve been carrying around.
It feels like a big black doctor’s bag – you know the kind. Before, it was just labelled: New Mama Emotions. But now I’ve been slowly prising it open to see what is inside. There are shadows in there. And grief and sadness.
I’ve put down the cheerleader dance of YAH! I’M A NEW MUM AND I’M DOING GREAT! THIS IS SO FUN! I CAN DO EVERYTHING! I’M TOTALLY COOL WITH MY LIFE CHANGING SO RADICALLY! WEEE!
Coz yeah, there might be elements of that. But I’m one multi-faceted gem of a mama. And I really need to honour the parts of that gem that doesn’t glint and shine. The parts where the light doesn’t hint.
The truth is, I’m finally and utterly grieving my life before I became a mama. I miss being an artist. I miss filling my days with all the things I want to do. I miss writing and creating and running my business full time. I miss having my body as my own. I miss having time. Oh god, time, I miss you so very very much. I miss the time when I wasn’t on call 24/7. When I solely lived by my own whims, guidance, needs, intuition.
Farrrrk, I really miss it.
I feel like I’m swinging at the end of my emotional rope. I’m still hanging on, but there ain’t much give in that rope. There’s not much space to go. So I’ve been going to see a counsellor. My counsellor, who I like to call The Dude, says that before you have a child, your pie is filled with all the different things you do. You get Love Time and Me Time and Work Time and Creativity Time and Food Time. And then you have a baby, and that whole pie gets wiped clean and taken up with Baby Time. And life after that is a slow, slow reconstruction of the pie again to a new kind of normal.
I think about that pie a lot.
I always thought I’d have a bazillion kids. Or four. I grew up as one of five, and loved it. Every time I’d tell Chris {an only child} of my Great Big Plans for a bazillion kids, he’d say: Let’s just start with one and we’ll see how we go.
And right now? I’m crying to Chris that I may just want one.
And it might just be Helllooooo… you’ve only just had one! And your life is only just starting to have tiny bits of pie time integrated back into it! Give it time, dearest heart!
Or it might just be my soul’s truth: to be a mama of one.
I don’t know. I really don’t know. And I find myself really yearning to be peaceful with that not knowing. To be accepting and honouring of it. What’s true for me right now might change.
But right now? I need space. I need time. I need healing.
I’ve been running so hard that now I’ve stopped, I’m trying to catch my breath and remember who I am and how on earth I can craft my life again into something that sings.
So there I am, dear friend.
I don’t know if I’ve explained it at all well, but there it is. The best I can do right now. And as I’m learning, the best I can do right now is plenty good enough.
Life is an emotional washing machine. And as much as there is dirt and soap and lint, I have hope too. The swilling will stop. This time of transformation – when I feel I’ve outgrown my own skin – will ease. And I’ll find myself again. I’ll be cleansed clean and marked open.
For right now though, the fumble. The learning to be okay with vulnerability. The fossicking through my dusty doctor’s bag for a gem called the truth. Holding it up to the light to see it from every angle. Every now and then I catch a glimpse of my reflection in it. I see the way mamahood appears in my face – across my forehead, in my eyes.
And I just want to whisper… to that maiden-mama self of mine crouched in the earth, peering into a crystal:
I love you, my darling. I love you.
Aho!
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Ah B2, you certainly aren’t alone in missing your old life. I constantly look back and think “What if JJ hadn’t come along and I could go back and just stay as I was and do the things that I wanted to do, to have the money and time to do the things that I want to do”. But then he comes up to me to give me a kiss and cuddle and says he loves me and I don’t miss those days at all. And on other days, when he’s just about driven me up the wall and nearly to a break down (I’m sure my neighbours think I have tried killing him some days), I miss my old way of life.
We had planned on just one. After JJ, my biological clock certainly didn’t click back in and my “maternal” side certainly wasn’t screaming for another baby. We were happy with our family of 3. And now we have Weed coming to make us a family of 4. Purely by accident. No plans, no trying and yet here it comes. You know me, an only child, so I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do with 2 kids. I can barely handle one some days. And to say that I am scared as to all hell is to put it mildly. I have no clue what I’m gong to do or how I’m going to handle it. But DH keeps telling me that JJ was sent to us for a reason. To teach us to love, to change our lives and that Weed is being sent to us for the same reason. We’re not sure what that reason is, but it’s coming anyway.
And as much as I look back on what was, I now have to look forward to what is and what will be. As do you. It does get easier to get some of your old life back
You may just return to work, or do your painting one day a week. For me, I go to the movies usually once a fortnight, just to have some time to myself. But if Chris is willing, you need to find that bit of time for yourself. Maybe an hour a day or start with an hour a week, where you take yourself away and do something that is just you. No Ostara, no Chris, just you. Maybe some friends. Do art, do movies, hell, be daring and do a nudist run in the rain lol, but have some time to you. It’s not easy being away from the little one (trust me, it still kills me everyday when I go to work and have to leave him), but in time it gets a bit easier and you do get some sort of resemblance back of the you that once was. That resemblence may only last the hour, but sometimes, that’s a pretty good start 
I hope what I’ve said makes sense. But know you aren’t alone in your feelings or thoughts. At least I know what you mean and feel the same
And I’m sure others do too 
Big hugs to you B2 and remember, I’m only a message away
Lots of hugs and love
B1.
Love. Love love love love love xxxxooooo I feel it too. My insides are a swirling swirl of emotion and wanting and doubt and joy and everything all mixed up. I always always thought (and I KNOW it in my heart) that its sooooo ok for mamas to need help and ask for things they need and be vulnerable and not be super, but when it comes to me, I still feel like I’m not enough. But I feel these strange shifts in the universe or whatever it is too…. 2 weeks ago I cried my heart out to my GP about how everything was too much…. today I went back to see her and for some reason everything seemed like its going to be ok…. what a crazy wonderful mess it all is. But we are all in it together and that’s the wonderful part! I wish we could go for that walk together in real life. Big big love to you and beautiful Starry from me and my Bubba xxxx
Oh my Leonie, I just spent the whole time reading this post nodding my head in complete agreement and understanding. So many things I’d like to say and share, but I really just want to focus on 2 for now.
Grieving the loss of your former life – your explanation is spot on. It took me 12 mths to realise that the emotions I was struggling with were mainly associated with grieving my old life and trying to find a way to put together my new life. EVERYTHING in my life changed and it was so overwhelming. But I just want to promise you, it does get easier! You are at that stage where you have been your baby’s primary carer for so long and you are exhausted. But just around the corner – she’ll start on solids and be less dependant on you, she’ll get more mobile and be able to entertain herself, then she’ll start walking and, oh my, that is so wonderful (yes, really!) because they need that independence and they are so much happier for it, and then they actually start doing things for themselves (marvels, I know!!). And now, here I am, and my 2nd babe will be 2 next month and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! I get a little bit of time to do my own thing these days, I still don’t feel like I own my body anymore, but at least the physical demands have lessened, as a family we are settling in to our new life, and so on. So it takes time, but it does get easier.
The second thing I wanted to say was I felt the same about how many babies – then after my 1st born arrived it literally took 18 mths before I would even slightly consider the very remote possibility of maybe even just thinking about another child. But I really didn’t want him to be an only child, so we got pregnant again. And I am SO glad we did. It was so much easier this time, I actually enjoyed some of the first year! There were challenges, and I experienced exhaustion that I’m sure would have killed a brown dog, but as we move through to the other side it is just so wonderful. My 2 babes play together and so obviously love one another. I thought I couldn’t possibly love another child as much as my 1st born – but guess what, I can! My heart doubled in size again and it feels so good. And now I wish I hadn’t waited so long because I want a house full of babes, but I fear I’m getting too old.
Anyway, rambling on.! Just know you are not alone in feeling these things – I think many of them are universal motherhood truths. But until you become a mum I don’t think you can truly understand just what it all means and just how much not just your life, but you (at a cellular level) will change.
mwah YOU
get that 2011calendar, fill in the ”bits” you can,
”book in” YOU dates NOW …
DONT cut the FAAAAAAArking hair(love that) … put a few dreadlocks amongst it..I want (am) to do that .you wouldnt be a Faaaaarking goddess without THAT hair
Another 1 1/2 years you might be ready for another Goddess babe , …
so your list of oooh aaahs can be depleted….
stock up on the tie/dye ..looooooooooove it (remember)
Jeez wish i could write as much as Amanda LOL
Leonie a bit more sleep and all will be well
Lots of Goddess Love to YOu and your BEAUTIFUL family
mwah XXXXXOOOOOOO
OMG this is so me atm. I’m a recent mama too and do miss bb(before baby) but LOVE being a mam so much.
It’s so nice to know other gorgeous Goddess’ feel the same.
Love & glitter
Beautiful Leonie, there are so many things I want to say. I just want to send you so much love.I wish there was a more personal way to do it than a comment box.
Being a mother is hard and beautiful and wonderful and heartrending. It’s taken me six years after my first baby to be pregnant with a second one. (Which has worked out so perfectly because my daughter has been so involved in the pregnancy, watching my belly grow, feeling the baby move and singing songs to him.) There’s absolutely no rush, no timetable. You don’t need to decide one way or the other that you’ll only have one.
You do need time to yourself as well, however committed to AP-ing you are. Remember that Starry’s papa is just as much a primary caregiver as her mama and you can leave them. Chris needs time alone with her too. Don’t forget she’s six-months old now and won’t be solely dependent on you for nourishment for much longer. And once you start to spend the odd half-hour, the odd hour even the odd few hours away, just being yourself, you will find the old Leonie again. Someday soon you will even venture out with Chris on a “date” and discover each other as a couple again.
I think almost every mama would identify with everything you’ve written. And every mama has to grieve for their old life. You are so not alone. I wish I could come and give you such a big hug (and then take Starry for an hour so you could have some Leonie time!) but that would probably freak you out as we’ve never met. So I’ll just send cyber-hugs instead.
So beautiful, so very beautiful.
I raised three daughters, mostly on my own (with plenty of help from the grandparents!), and I know where you are. The artist now has to swallow up many creative me-nesses, in all their wonder and expression, to tend to the constant, neverending demands of a devastatingly adorable cutie that momentarily takes Center of the Universe status.
It will change. It will change. Hold on, because it will change.
Love and comforting hugs,
Christine
Big love, Leonie!
I’m not a mama (yet) and so I can really say I empathise, but I certainly do sympathise. What you’re saying makes a lot of sense.
You are strong, and beautiful, and so very, very loved.
“The best I can do right now. And as I’m learning, the best I can do right now is plenty good enough.”
Those are the wisest and purest and most wonderfulest words EVER!!!
Your words spoke deep into my soul, as they often do ( I do believe we have known each other in the long ago past) yet from a differentish place. Something happened for me that made my life different forever and the pie plate got dumped and something put in its place and now i’m trying to eek into the pie something other than whats there…. even though whats there will always be and I have to work around it forever.
Not as joyfull as a babe… but I really could relate to what you were saying here… and I’m not the most articulate, but I know you get me (you always have)
So… I’m sending you much love ( I did whack off all of my hair and I love it short also) many hugs and loads of respect for putting it all out there , yet again… so that we all may learn
xoxoxo
Oh, darling sweetness. It’s totally, 100% okay, normal, and perfect for you to have not-so-light feelings along with the light ones. Dare I say it – bad feelings are fine. As long as you’re recognizing that they’re not permanent and not your whole life (which you are), you’re golden. I’m not a mama, but I’ve gone through this grieving before when I married and when I moved so far away from my family, friends, and country. It does pass. The pie does fill back up. And then we have something even MORE amazing and beautiful than we had to start with. And sometimes, just sometimes, we wipe the pie out and start AGAIN. Growing hurts. <3
Ohhhh beloved, beautiful, luminescent Leonie!…. I went through the grief you describe so openly, 15 years ago when my first was born, but this is the first time I’ve heard of any mama who felt the same. And from the comments, we are not alone! YES. I grieved what I felt was the loss of my time with my husband, and then felt guilty for grieving while in the presence of my precious and perfect gift from heaven.
He slept in the bed with me, I nursed him, and we were inseparable. It was magical, it was beautiful and it was exhausting. I wanted to be the perfect mother, meaning that I didn’t want one second to expire in which he didn’t feel deeply, completely and utterly filled, imbued and surrounded in the deepest depths of pure Love. And I didn’t want to miss one second of anything. Which often would leave me feeling tired, spent, bleary-eyed, and so emotionally worn out and I would be upset with myself for not ‘being more’. How dare I be human!
What I learned, and what now seems so clear, looking back, is that I could have been more gentle with myself, more genuine and honest with myself concerning the mixed feelings I had, flowed more, and trusted more that I was not his only source of this sweet unconditional love, and that God, and the Universe, and all in spirit, and his earthly family were providing that love, too. It wasn’t all up to me! He wouldn’t be adversely affected if I (like you did!) cared for myself by taking time out for me.
It does get easier as your precious one completes her first year. It’s such a loving thing for you to be so open about your feelings, sorting through them; you’re coming through it all with such wisdom, grace and mirth. It’s okay to feel downright horrible and to say so. Wish I’d come to that realization while I was there, it would have made the journey so much easier, as I learned to unconditionally love myself as much as I loved that little one I was honored to care for.
You’re a wonderful mother for Ostara- you chose each other for a reason, and you couldn’t possibly be more perfect for her. Kudos kudos to you! You’re absolutely amazing!
Be tender and gentle with yourself as you go through these shifts- you’re not only dealing with the new mama thing (which is challenging in itself!) but also so many recent physical/locational changes in your life, along with the energetic shifts in which the planet is immersed. This is huge!
You are loved beyond measure. You’re doing beautifully!
XOXOXO
Wow! It HAS been quite a year for you. I am so glad you got some re-charging time and hope this month is full of glitter, tulle, confetti, rose petals, feathers, and lots of laughter as you collage-up your haven.
Oh sweet mamma love,
This is so perfectly explained. At least to other mammas it is.
And while I don’t wish for you to have any hard and I do wish for you to have all the ease, I must say it is a slight relief and a huge help to hear you say this. See, it gives us all permission. Aaahhh, like a big sigh.
I can’t help but think about your gem analogy and think of the way those gems get all shiny and beautiful — they are tumbled and cut. They look pretty rough and often very plain when they first come out of the earth. They have to go through quite a whole lot to get so beautiful. You have lots of shiny and more, much more to come. This is the way, you are on it, you are perfect. And those rough rocky gems? They are quite beautiful as well.
I love this post. It makes me think of my own mom and how much her life revolved around us kids for so long, and it’s been wild ever since I moved out (I’m the youngest of 4) to talk to her sometimes just as a friend. I’m learning so much about her personality, her charm, her quirks… I love her even more now. When I was a kid, I thought of her as just “my mom,” and not a person in her own right. I’m thrilled now to be getting to know her as an individual. Please do give yourself as much time to yourself as you can. Your child (and perhaps eventual childREN) will love knowing you as a multi-faceted gem.
And if I’m really, really tenderly honest and vulnerable, I’m really looking forward to the promise of a new year. I just want it to be easier than 2010 has been.
Hells yes. Fuck yes. Oh holy good gods yes.
Hi love, I just wanted to chime in with this: I’ve been exactly where you are. With the total overwhelm and tears and wanting my pie back. That old pie was the best and I want it back! Oh yes. I’ve been there. I know exactly how you feel. And I, too, said… I don’t think I want another child. I don’t think I could do it/handle it/go through that again. Maybe I am just meant to be mama to one. And I don’t know how your story will go… but I want to give you some light and hope and say that life gets more manageable with time. It just does. And the pie starts to reappear bigger and better and much different than it used to be. And my love and I are talking about babe numero two. I can’t believe it. But we are. Hang in there, you. You can do this.
Echoing you and Kyeli – Yes, please let’s have 2011 be easier than 2010.
It’s so easy to wind up thinking, “What I’m dealing with isn’t as hard as [fill in the blank], so why am I having such a hard time?” But that’s not helpful at all.
Thank you for sharing this, because it’s helping me see where I’m judging myself for feeling like this year has been hard.
I love the big, black doctor’s bag. I love the Dude. I love all of this. I don’t know whether things get harder or easier from here, but reading your noticings has a way of healing me from sads I didn’t even know I had.
Oh precious Leonie, I could have written this post. All of it, from the grief for the old me (still processing after 26 months, although it’s gotten easier) to the questioning the size of our family (always thought I would have 2 kids, but the idea of another baby still makes me queasy…a lot of my friends either have or are pregnant with #2 and I just can’t picture it at ALL).
You are not alone, and you are so SO brave for sharing the lows as well as the highs. Much love to you!
This is not a big long post like all the others. IN fact, I am drinking vodka this weekend and am barely able to type a coherent sentence (please forgive).
I read your post and have to say … that was me willing you to cut off all your hair. Maybe I wasn’t directing it to you per se, as much so as my daughter who doesn’t like to comb her hair overmuch and whose school is over-run with “the bugs” if you know what I mean.
I wish I was you; in your position: newly “hatched”; newly located to places and things that “ring true” – I am not sure how to say it.
You’re the most “together” person I could ever know and I am so far away from that place.
Maybe you could lend me some ‘soap’ ….
As always, I’m sorry.
Oh dear Goddess, I am soooooo relating to this post!!! My baby is almost 2. I am so glad that you are expressing this sadness that is just as much a part of the happiness of the whole she-bang. I felt a little lost in those early months, like I was on a whole new planet and didn’t have a clue what I was supposed to be doing. I missed that old world for as much as I was in love with my new one. I think it gets so very much easier as your baby grows(some disagree), except for the grocery store, that’s getting quite a bit harder
And you’ll be making art again in no time WITH precious pumpkin pie right by your side!
Thank you for sharing, thank you for opening up, it teaches me that there is so much healing and strength in being honest and giving the full picture.
THANK YOU Gorgeous, Wondrous, HONEST Amazing Mamma Goddess Leonie!!!!
I am mamma to 3, older now. I felt exactly like you. I wish I had of taken the wise advice of a wise nurse at the time of my first being a baby which was to look after myself first, my husband second and my baby third. She was right, but I thought she was mad, of course this baby was more important than me.
YOU are doing the most amazingly fantastic job ever. Being a mum is a totally tough job – and be kind to you, you’ve never done this job before – if you got a new job in the workplace, you’d at least get some training and help!!!
It does get easier
It takes a community to raise a child, and although we don’t often do it this way, circles of women are meant to care for all the babes, not lone ladies in the burbs with no transport, family or understanding nearby
Everyone has an opinion on everything, I wish I had of just trusted myself and my intuition, it knew everything it needed to, but I didn’t
It is SO important to take some guilt-free YOU time – you will be a better mamma and have more to give if you pop some petrol in the Leonie tank
Sending you lots and lots and lots of love and some time to be YOU again.
I am SO proud of you for being brave and speaking your truth! Did it feel even just a tiny bit of a relief to let it out?
And may I say, precious one, that if you DIDN’T feel this way, THEN I would be seriously worried about you!
I’m not a mama in this lifetime, but me thinks that everything you spoke of feeling sounds completely natural for not only becoming a new mama, but all of the huge changes that have washed over your life in this past year.
You are doing beautifully, sweet Leonie! Stay with your breath – stay with acceptance of whatever you feel in the moment. You are not alone. Your angels are all around you, helping and guiding…even in those moments when they feel light years away.
This beautiful circle of goddesses that you brought together also completely support and love you, no matter what! Whenever you need retreat time, please take it. We will be here holding the space for you. Trust that what you started is strong enough to stand on it’s own 2 feet when you need time away to recenter yourself.
Sending you oodles of angel hugs and all the love & support a heart can muster.
I love you, my precious friend!
mmmmm….leonie….you are right where you are supposed to be…..love yourself in your busyness….take leonie time….and you will transition into an enhanced creative version of your~lovely~self.
Thank you so much for sharing with us – and sending love, light and strength to you across the ocean!!
I would not say it out loud, cause I am not as brave as you are, Leonie, but I had mini-Mama breakdowns, usually about yearning for alone-time, yearning for being creative again. I call it now “I cannot hear myself think anymore”.
I think it comes from being creative, maybe. You fill up with being a mama, with your child, and it bounces inside you like an echo. Which is sweet – but as an artist, you also long for a creative spark that is wholly yours, that is not centered around your baby. You long for the quiet in your mind that used to birth new images and visions.
In a chorus of “Oh, have a second child! Their ages should not be so long apart!!” some wise women friends told me: “Wait for as long as it takes. There will come a moment, a day, when you know it is time for a second child. And you will be really sure. And what if it takes 3 or 4 or 5 years? Take your time, you will be the better mom for it.”
And you will be, promised. xxxx
Nina
It’s been said before, but as a new mama to a 5 month old I totally get what you mean. There are moments, hours, days where you really want to put the baby down and run for the hills! I had a moment today when I lay down on the sofa and did nothing for 5 minutes and I couldn’t remember the last time I had done that since my son was born. I echo what other people have said about being strict about carving out time for yourself. It’s so so important. Just half an hour having a coffee out of the house by yourself makes everything seem soooo much better! And a happy mama equals happy bubba. Hope things even out for you. xx
Goddess Leonie, you are such an inspiration. What you share hits me deep down within and you are inspiring me to do the same. I’m not a mamma (except to a 93 lb bullmastiff who I love to death), but I can still relate in many ways…………….sending you healing wishes to be in every moment and know that all is perfect just as it is and to sit with that and smile, knowing that all your angels are right there with you through it all.
Many blessings,
Gina
I have only skimmed through your post and the comments, but I just want to let you know that you are still in there, my love. My years birthing and raising my three babes were also a step out of the life I called my own, but so enriched it. And now, I have a much better life because I am the mother I am. My babes are all grown and we spend such lovely time together as adults.
Enjoy your mama-stage. It will pass quickly. If you are called, you will add to your brood and your heart will expand to hold them all close. And one day, only a moment from right now, they will no longer need you so intensely and the better you will blossom and grow stronger.
Blessings,
Yvette
Leonie, after the birth of my first child I remember saying to my best friend “Remind me who I was. I can’t remember her”
You are so very entitled to grieve the maiden-you, and to acknowledge she is forever changed, transformed.
It is the biggest initiation of our entire lives, nothing beats it in scale and it is damn hard – as well as mind-blowingly beautiful – to become a mama.
The first year, in my experience, is the most intense. That total body/time/mind surrender…. we think it will never end. But soon enough it eases. Yes, it does get better!!!
You are doing so well, so very well, hang in there. I hope you can find some other mamas in your new area to physically connect and share the experience with – that can take the pressure off in so many ways.
Thank you for such an honest “spilling”!
xo
I, too, am going through a massive shift in my life. The role I play in the world… My identity.. And as much as I have definitely been blessed with beautiful opportunities and anyone would think luck has fallen upon me, it’s confusing and scary as hell at the same time.
Leonie, I don’t know what being a mama is like. And I can only imagine and feel what you are saying deep in my heart while I send you nods and hugs and kisses.
I do understand however the dilemma and confusion that comes with a brand new.. how do I say this.. identity, and life?? That is the best way I can think of naming it.
It’s always confusing when we feel we have lost ourselves, or a big part of what made us ourselves. And when we can’t find the time to search for it.. or to be with it. Being carried so violently (even if blissfully, at times) through these changes.
And I understand the fear of saying all of this out loud, of people not understanding, and thinking we are ungrateful.
You are beautiful for writing this, and even more so for searching for Leonie again. You have hundreds of people around the world who understand and sympathize, and who are cheering you on while you reclaim Leonie. (that part about being Leonie, in your things-to-do list? Yes, you ARE awesome at it. And please, DO keep checking that bit continuously.)
and P.S. – I heard us scorpio gals are magnificent at managing and embodying change
Keep rocking that purple nail polish and let that wonderful vibration surround you in this process. (I actually painted mine light blue in a similar operation just yesterday teehee!)
So much love,
Marta
My darling girl
Believe that “This too will pass”. Relax. Trust.
The first child is the hardest because you do not know what to expect and you want to do a perfect job. In previous generations, women had children at an earlier age and this might have been advantageous as they had not established the expectation of their own time. Women are juggling many roles now including that of a working mother. Usually what gives way is the woman’s health. Babies and children thrive as being part of a family, not the only focus.
Babies are born into a community of family. Give your child and yourself the opportunity to be loved and cared for by many. You are not alone. Love and let go.
Amamma
Oh, my goodness. I’m so glad that someone has finally had the courage to say what you just said. I feel in the same boat, except my daughter turned three the other day. At first we wanted six kids, and now, we really just want our one sweet girl.
I’m still trying to figure out how to be me as a mama, even after all this time.
Thank you for your words, they make me feel less alone in the sometimes lonely world of mamahood.
Lisa
Leonie, I am a casual follower of your blog, Just want to say that I love your art! I love your vibrancy and your goddess-ness. I always learn from you when I read your writings about how to live and embrace myself and I am trying to realize that I am a goddess. After reading this post, I just wanted to give you a hug and assure you that you are fine and on the right track with acknowledging your feelings and accepting them, instead of burying them and feeling guilty. I am on the other side of motherhood, my only son is going to be 20 next month, and I am now back at the beginning stages of making a whole new pie (love that comparison), since I have so much more ME time than I have had in 20 years. Yes, your ME time is going to be limited now with the darlin’ bebe, but you have the right idea in making sure to always keep SOME time for you. And rest assured, that mama time goes very fast and in the blink of an eye, the little one (ones if u do decide on more) will be off starting their own lives, and you will once again have lots of ME time to fill.
So enjoy this new chapter of your journey and accept that it is OK to want some time for YOU as Leonie, not just as mama. Many women lose their way when they are in a relationship and have a family, always feeling like they have to care for everybody else and leaving nothing for themselves. Remember to care for yourself as well dear, and you will be fine!!!
Julie
I adore you.
xoxox
Big, big love to you.
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