I’m writing this today because I feel I have to. I’m writing this because I think people need to hear it. I’m writing this because in the last two years every single marriage and relationship I know has come abusta, or come close. I’ve had this sitting in my drafts folder for
months a year, too afraid to share.
I’m writing this because there is a secret no one talks about. And we need to. Because otherwise we are all sitting in our lonely, sad, heartbroken, lost spheres, not reaching out, not touching, not knowing there are others out there exactly the same.
(Disclaimer: In this article, I’m talking about the hard stuff in relationships. I’m obviously not referring to abusive relationships. That’s a whole different kettle of fish, my love. This is just for goddesses who are afraid that they are the only one with Relationship Stuff. This is to spread light on just how hard it can be. If your buttons get pressed during this, I’m really sorry. Your story is your story, and it is precious and profound. GROUP HUGS!)
The Untold Secrets About Love And Marriage:
There are so many untold secrets about love and marriage.
They are the secrets we think we bear all on our own.
The ones we hold tightly to our chests because they cause us so much pain, frustration and shame.
I’m calling bullshit on it.
Here are the secrets about love + marriage:
Love can be incredibly hard.
Your partner will not be the knight in shining armor without his own personal shit.
You will fight.
It is okay to fight.
Your partner will say shit to you.
You will say shit to them.
You actually CAN forgive a lot of things.
Neither of you will always be your best selves.
Other people do not have a better relationship than you.
You never know what a relationship is truly like unless you are in it. Even then, you only know half the story of it.
Your partner can not read your mind.
Your partner can not be your perfect partner 24/7.
You will not be the perfect partner 24/7.
Leaving the relationship isn’t always the answer.
I’m writing this for you incase you ever feel alone in just how hard love can be. I’m writing this for you incase you’ve ever felt ashamed because your relationship wasn’t perfect.
Here’s my absolute, honest truth:
My love is the love of my life. He is fairydust and wise sage and hot and everything in between.
AND on the same hand, we have argued our pants off (sometimes literally – ha! Did you see what I did just there? I slipped in a bit of a makeupsex pun! Woo! Let’s five that one! Yeah!). Where was I? Oh yes.
There has been many, many points in the last eleven years that I have felt broken hearted, lost, unsure, ashamed and deeply afraid that I was the only one who felt like this in love.
But here’s the truth I have learned:
I don’t know anyone who hasn’t.
(If you are a relationship that doesn’t argue and has never felt moments of uncertainty: I haven’t met you yet. I’m not sure if you actually totally exist. Totally happy if you do exist of course. I just think you are a really tiny percentage of relationships.)
Here’s the one big thing that I think would lower divorce rates by a metric buttload (and that’s MATH!)
If things really, really suck. Or even if they just need help to fine tune.
Go get relationship counseling.
It can make unicorns dance.
AND teach you how to actually communicate together.
How to get on the same damn team as each other.
Stop causing pain to each other.
I really, really believe miracles can happen. There is Relationships Australia. And I’m sure a heap of other organisations in other countries too.
Just google search it. I’m not an oracle, peeps. I’m just someone who knows how to type something into Google.
Trust your instinct. Find something and someone that works for you both.
Here’s the best analogy I can come up with:
If your car started having problems, started crunching and groaning and not starting – would you:
a) buy a new car?
b) just ask random people off the street & your girlfriends how to fix a car, even if their cars are broken too?
c) take it to someone who is a mechanic – someone whose job it is to get cars working again?
If I want my relationship to be awesome, I’m going to give it the best chance for success – by going to someone who is a relationships professional.
They really CAN make miracles happen.
It takes work and tenacity and commitment and courage.
It also means you are going to become an even clearer vision of yourself.
It can be an incredibly healing, transformative experience.
And here is the good news:
I really do believe in love still.
I really do believe we can forgive quite a huge amount of things.
I really do believe that we can make our relationships a thousand times better.
I really do believe that love can make us grow and evolve in quantum leaps and bounds.
Anyone can love the world from a cave in meditative bliss.
But to love the world through someone when your buttons are pressed and theirs are too?
That’s the big stuff.
Our best partners are the ones that help us grow the most.
My love & I might have argued each other’s pants off… but I know of no other soul who could have taught me so deeply about myself than he. We keep right on growing together. Sometimes it is easy. Sometimes it is excruciating. And then – out the other side – a new expanse. Of growth. Love. Commitment. To ourselves. To each other.
I look back at when we first met – me at 18, he at 27.
And I think:
Holy crapper, were we stoooopid.
I think it lovingly, of course.
But just: Oh my GOSH. We were SO young. We had SO much to learn and grow through together. We are becoming our best selves, but holy DINGER it takes a lot of life roughable to make you as smooth as a river stone.
If this is the difference of 11 years, I can’t wait to see what both of us look like in 30 years time.
Here is the Best News I’ve Heard All Year
I finally read “If The Buddha Married.”
I went into it expecting to roll my eyes at every unachievable practice of soul communion.
(I always roll my eyes in relationship books. They have SUCH high ideals, no leniency for the fact that:
hey, we’re human. We fuck it up. And that’s okay. We try, and try again. We’re doing the best we can.)
So I opened this book, eye-roll at the ready.
And instead, I laughed. Wildly. Uproarously.
The #1 researched, proven behavioural trait for long-lasting marriages?
As one couple married for a gazillion years said:
We are both so stubborn at staying married, we managed to make it work.
And THAT – beyond any tantric breathing exercise or woo woo communication technique – THAT makes me happy.
Stubborn, I can do.
So that’s it dearest.
The Big Secret About Love:
It can be really, really hard.
Even when it’s completely right.
Love is the greatest gift for us to learn about ourselves.
To grow and transform.
To smooth away our rough parts.
To cast off our illusions.
To become more compassionate, more understanding, more of our wisest selves.
Taking a deep breath of bravery, setting these words free. May they touch you right where you need it.
And we totally need a group hug after this.