Last night, we heard my love’s dearest friend had made his rainbow journey. He died in his sleep on the morning on his birthday, cause unknown.
He was one of the most kind hearted, sensitive, giving souls I’ve been blessed to know. He wore his heart on his sleeve. When I looked at him, I could see the sweetest little boy inside him.
I don’t know why I say was, because the real truth is, he still is. He still is one of the most kind hearted, sensitive, giving souls I know.
I’ve been crying today, walking the grief journey beside my love.
As much as I miss that green-eyed, guitar-playing boy, I have to keep remembering - we haven’t really lost him. He’s not really gone, do you know what I mean?
My big brother teaches me so much still from the other side of the rainbow journey. When my brother died, I didn’t lose him. He didn’t disappear. He just stopped using that body of his. He’s still my brother. We still have a relationship. We still talk and laugh. He guides me. He’s just my correspondent from the rainbow journey side.
I’m grieving Justin’s physical presence. I’m grieving that I won’t see him physically at our wedding. But that’s because I’m only looking with shallow eyes.
If I peer into the dim of the tipi, across the haze of the fire smoke, I will see him.
He will be sitting there, green eyes shining, face lit up, light and heart shining like it always does. He’ll be at our wedding, grinning wildly, celebrating madly, telling everyone he loves them like he always does.
If only I look properly, I will truly see what is there in front of us.
Aah, life, you beautiful thing, you have so much to teach me.
This morning my love took us to the river. The wind was ice-speckled from the alpine mountains, and I wrapped Ostara closer to me. He handed me a white blossom, and we threw them as blessings and messages into the water for our dear friend.
I asked for the angels and my brother to surround us, and to see a little door into the rainbow side. For a moment, the door opened. The light shone off the river like a chandalier, and I heard a song as loud and joyful as fairyfolk would make, and I saw Justin, and he was happy. And in my heart of heart and spirit of spirits, I knew he was okay. He was better than okay. He was divine, just like you and me. Things never end, they just change.
Then the moment ended and the door closed, and I blinked my eyes, and I cried my human grief again.
I looked up, and there was a plane above us, nose pointed heavenward, a streak of angel white dancing across the sky from behind it. An upside down Hayley’s Comet, if you will. A reverse shooting star. I touched Chris’ arm, and we both looked up, smiling at our friend.
Things never end, they just change.
I don’t know why so many souls are leaving the world right now.
But I do know if we listen closely enough, and keep our faith deep, and our hearts wide open, we will see the real truth:
We are swimming in an ocean of love.
Sometimes we just forget it – just as the fish forgets it is surrounded by water.
They aren’t leaving us.
They are just changing form.
They are teaching us.
They are helping us remember.
They are opening our hearts.
Our hearts are cracking open, and it’s letting all the light inside.
That might sound blaze, but I’m standing here, typing to you with wet eyes, and a broken heart that is tender and sore and split open…
and all I can still feel and see is the love.
*
We love you Justin.
And if I ever think we’ve ever lost you, please remind me to see you as you are:
in the trees, in the drops of river light, in laughter and in song.
You are in our hearts, in every sense of the word.
There you are.
Right here.
love so big i cannot possibly contain it,
P.S. I don’t know how to tell you that YOU ARE SO LOVED. YOU ARE SO LOVED. YOU ARE SO LOVED.
Please remember this in every aching moment. Loved by SO many and SO much. More than you could possibly contain.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
That was beautiful and heartbreaking all in one! A year ago April I lost my grandmother and my best friend/college roommate within one week. My grandmother knew it was her time and welcomed it, she didn’t want to fight the cancer she wanted to go and join her one true love that she had been missing for over 30 years. But Jesika- that was a shock to my system. Barely 30 years old, she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and was gone 3 weeks later. I was blessed to be with her when she passed over, surrounded by her loving and very fiery Christian family. While her family members were talking to Jesus, I just stood at her feet, holding them and letting her know that it was ok. She’d been on life support for several days, she was no longer physically recognizable as the saucy and sophisticated lawyer with a love for Janet Jackson songs and laughing at me. They turned off the machines but still had them connected to her, so you could see her heartbeat getting slower and slower. but the very moment that her heart stopped, in the midst of the yelling and wailing that her family was doing, I felt and electricity I’ve never felt before jolt up my sacrum to the crown of my head. I finally let go of her feet then, I knew that her spirit had fully left her body.
In the subsequent weeks I battled the anger that comes with grieving, especially when I helped clean out her house and discovered papers that seemed to indicate that she’d known something was wrong the year before- but not a single friend or family member knew. I don’t know that I agree with her choices, but they were hers. And then I realized that my anger had changed to jealousy- how strange is that? I was jealous that my friend, the yang to my yin (she was black and tall, I am white and short and when we stood butt to butt…well, you get the idea), the self-professed materialist to my spirit-centered self- SHE was the one to get to cross over first and experience what comes next. About a month after she passed I finally had a dream about her. She was calling me on the phone, my caller ID said “unknown” which I don’t normally answer, but I did. It was Jes, reminding me to follow up on my health insurance. She was laughing at me the way she often did because I’m pretty ridiculous more often than not, and I asked her if I could call her back. But she wasn’t there any more, and I was so angry that I couldn’t pull up her number on the caller ID!
I know Jes joins the very long list of people on the other side who are loving me and supporting me through this life- my mother, both grandmothers, both grandfathers- but losing a soul-sister is a heart wrenching pain that sometimes sneaks up on you when you least expect it (usually, when listening to Janet Jackson!). But it reminds me of the exquisite loveliness that it is to have a heart connection with someone, no matter how tenuous or strong, no matter for for how many moments or years those threads are still with us. Maybe that’s what the hurt comes from, the stretching of those threads between worlds.
Much love to you and yours as you go through your grieving journey.
I am so sorry for your loss Leonie. What you have written is a beautiful tribute to someone who is obviously a beautiful soul.
My thoughts are with you and Chris and all who’s lives were touched by Justin. xoxo
A friend of ours died in an accident 2 weeks ago, we have also been trying to make sense of our sudden loss. This post was really beautiful and healing, your perspective on life and our world is inspiring and helps me to keep my mind on that eternal perspective! xo
love love love this. for some reason the past few days i have not been able to get an old love out of my mind ~ and he is no longer in this world. no, i know the reason, it was a song that came on the radio two days ago. music has such power. there is an emptiness and craving for a closure that i will never have. the answer is in your post.
I am sorry for your loss. Your words helped heal my heart, 3 weeks ago our friend’s daughter died. I used to babysit her, the sweetest little thing only beginning her life only three. I have been struggling to understand and make sense of it. I know she is fine, she comes to her papa in his dreams.
I have been trying to figure out why I was blessed with knowing her, what am I supposed to learn from her passing.
Maybe simply we all need to remember to love the ones we are with because you never know…
As always, you write so beautifully, transforming sorrow into something wonderful and light. Hugs to you and Chris.
Big, BIG love to you and Chris. I am so sorry for your grief. You are right – there is an ocean of love. Hugs*
Leonie, I am sending heartful hugs and blowing kisses to you and your sweetheart in this time of loss and emotional adjusting for your friendship. I am so grateful to hear your serenity is still shining through this grief. May you continue to know this deep and rich comforting Love coming back as many rainbow promises for each of you. Sending much love and support, xx Jenn
Oh my gosh, this is so beautiful. I’m crying, of course. And in a sense so perfect for me for where I am today. I can so relate to the seeing with soul eyes and human grief. I’d fallen in love with a man recently who thought he was in love with me but told me yesterday that he wasn’t. And as I am grieving the loss and the reopening of old scars (thinking this might be the chance to help them heal better) I am also so grateful for the love that was/is in my heart for him, knowing that in the spiritual world love is never lost and that it is always worth to open your heart and love.
Thank you so much for sharing and many blessings to you, Chris, Ostara, Justin and his family and loved ones!
Blessed Be..
May you find peace in the knowing he is still with you and may you and your loved ones be comforted.
All I can offer is a great big hug.
i’m so sorry, leonie. not for him, but for you and your sweet partner, for the physical sorrow. sending love and hugs from the eastern part of the US, thinking of you all and holding you in my heart.
ingrid
Oh, Leonie…your writing touches me so. Such a blessing to hear you share that you are celebrating his divine existence. I can feel the intense love and the powerful connection in this. If I was there…I’d try talking you into helping me create a bonfire under the night sky and dance with tears and all as we fall into the Earth and weep if we must and laugh if we feel like it and remember if it feels better and lay in silence just because.
I honor you and your sacred soul.
((Major hugs)).
So much beauty in this post, painful beauty, but beauty none-the-less. May peace be with all of those that Justin touched in this life…I cannot thank you enough for sharing your lovely heart-torn soul at this moment.
My ability to help with grief is minimal. But do know that I’m feeling lots of love for you and your family during your journey. <3
Oh Leonie-
I am so very sorry that he passed away, though I am happy that you knew him in his physical form, and can sense him back in spirit.
And I’m happy for your mutual friends and family, because they need someone like you to help them through this. Not to put pressure on you, just to honor you.
I love this post so much. The way you see and write is just gorgeous. Feels like a hug and hot chocolate. (And here’s a hug and hot chocolate right back.)
so, SO beautiful.
all i can see is the LOVE~ this is exactly what i felt after our baby girl passed at birth, they are the way-showers, the angels of light. there are no words to thank them for the gift they have given us with their life.
you inspire me <3
dearest beautiful wise leonie ~ your words have touched my soul this evening. 2 weeks ago my dear 17 year old cousin took his own life. reading your words has helped my heart accept this wide open feeling. I am so very sorry for your loss.. please know also that you are loved dearly.
Leonie -
While we know the spirit lives on and are so blessed to be able to have the gift of seeing/hearing/feeling their messages from beyond, the human feelings of not having their physical presence with us just plain hurts – a lot!
May you & Chris be wrapped within wings of peace & comfort and may your hearts glow with warmth, joy and love when you remember your friend, Justin.
Love, light & big hugs,
Kim
Leonie, I am crying as I read this, thinking of my dear ones who have “left” but who I have always known are still “here” with me, going through life with me, just in a different way. Thank you, as always.
I’m sobbing here, Leonie. This is one of the most beautiful things i’ve ever read~it touched me so so deeply. And your perspective, the way you light it all up with so much love. It’s truly beautiful. You are truly beautiful.
It’s an honor to be walking this journey with you.
Sending you love,
Julia
Reading this, made me think about my dear friend Sean. It has been 18 months now since his passing. I miss him everyday. It is true physically he isn’t here..I know he lives inside me. There are times when I feel a hand touching my face when I cry or a presence just next to me with a smile. I know that is him. He is not gone.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us, Leonie and your love of Justin.
Peace and blessings
Guess I just want to make known that I also feel sorry for your loss. You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself, I can imagine how useful your words must be to so many people. You seem to understand loss so well, it amazes me.
Big Hug…
I’m so sorry for your loss, sweetie. (((many hugs)))