Last night, we heard my love’s dearest friend had made his rainbow journey. He died in his sleep on the morning on his birthday, cause unknown.

He was one of the most kind hearted, sensitive, giving souls I’ve been blessed to know. He wore his heart on his sleeve. When I looked at him, I could see the sweetest little boy inside him.

I don’t know why I say was, because the real truth is, he still is. He still is one of the most kind hearted, sensitive, giving souls I know.

I’ve been crying today, walking the grief journey beside my love.

As much as I miss that green-eyed, guitar-playing boy, I have to keep remembering –  we haven’t really lost him. He’s not really gone, do you know what I mean?

My big brother teaches me so much still from the other side of the rainbow journey. When my brother died, I didn’t lose him. He didn’t disappear. He just stopped using that body of his. He’s still my brother. We still have a relationship. We still talk and laugh. He guides me. He’s just my correspondent from the rainbow journey side.

I’m grieving Justin’s physical presence. I’m grieving that I won’t see him physically at our wedding. But that’s because I’m only looking with shallow eyes.

If I peer into the dim of the tipi, across the haze of the fire smoke, I will see him.

He will be sitting there, green eyes shining, face lit up, light and heart shining like it always does. He’ll be at our wedding, grinning wildly, celebrating madly, telling everyone he loves them like he always does.

If only I look properly, I will truly see what is there in front of us.

Aah, life, you beautiful thing, you have so much to teach me.

This morning my love took us to the river. The wind was ice-speckled from the alpine mountains, and I wrapped Ostara closer to me. He handed me a white blossom, and we threw them as blessings and messages into the water for our dear friend.

I asked for the angels and my brother to surround us, and to see a little door into the rainbow side. For a moment, the door opened. The light shone off the river like a chandalier, and I heard a song as loud and joyful as fairyfolk would make, and I saw Justin, and he was happy. And in my heart of heart and spirit of spirits, I knew he was okay. He was better than okay. He was divine, just like you and me. Things never end, they just change.

Then the moment ended and the door closed, and I blinked my eyes, and I cried my human grief again.

I looked up, and there was a plane above us, nose pointed heavenward, a streak of angel white dancing across the sky from behind it. An upside down Hayley’s Comet, if you will. A reverse shooting star. I touched Chris’ arm, and we both looked up, smiling at our friend.

Things never end, they just change.

I don’t know why so many souls are leaving the world right now.

But I do know if we listen closely enough, and keep our faith deep, and our hearts wide open, we will see the real truth:

We are swimming in an ocean of love.

Sometimes we just forget it – just as the fish forgets it is surrounded by water.

They aren’t leaving us.

They are just changing form.

They are teaching us.

They are helping us remember.

They are opening our hearts.

Our hearts are cracking open, and it’s letting all the light inside.

That might sound blaze, but I’m standing here, typing to you with wet eyes, and a broken heart that is tender and sore and split open…

and all I can still feel and see is the love.

*

We love you Justin.

And if I ever think we’ve ever lost you, please remind me to see you as you are:

in the trees, in the drops of river light, in laughter and in song.

You are in our hearts, in every sense of the word.

There you are.

Right here.


love so big i cannot possibly contain it,

P.S. I don’t know how to tell you that YOU ARE SO LOVED. YOU ARE SO LOVED. YOU ARE SO LOVED.

Please remember this in every aching moment. Loved by SO many and SO much. More than you could possibly contain.