Featherless.

I used to think
I was divine
Barely human
All that messy life stuff
Did not apply to me
I could see the stars and the moon and the sky
And the reasons behind it all.
It was easier and softer back then.
And I thought I had known heartbreak but I hadn’t. I thought I had felt grief but there was more to come. I thought my tapestry was strong and woven
But it all came undone.
Most of all, the thing that I was to learn was suffering: profound physical suffering, suffering of the heart and mind and soul, suffering when I was sure my life was over.
Suffering.

One by one by one
Over the past seven years
My angel feathers were plucked from me
As I became a mother, witnessed my parents marriage disintegrate and my family of origin implode, felt my life and sanity careen wildly out of the light and into the dark, relationship struggles, post natal depression and anxiety, falling pregnant with #2 only to experience nine months of the hell that is Hyperemesis gravidarum.
I lost my innocence of the world. Lost my belief that people were always good and honest and kind. Lost my belief that it was safe to share my stories online without being attacked brutally & savagely. I’ve experienced so much profound sadness when people have not been who they said they were… In my life & in my business.
Over the last seven years I have lost my innocence.

Angel feathers plucked one by one by one
And now I’m almost fully human I reckon.
And it sucks and it is painful and it is hard
But I think I understand people more now.
I couldn’t run from my suffering…

And now I’m okay with sitting with people who are suffering too… Not trying to make them better because I know I can’t… But telling them what I know to be true:
I know. I’m sorry. I am so sorry you are going through this. This sucks. I love you. I’m here. You don’t have to feel anything but what you are.

I’m not looking just for the light anymore. A heaving sky on a moonless night has just as many stories and wisdom to tell.

And I’m naked and I’m plucked and I’m shivering.

And I don’t know how to tell the stories like I used to.

But I am here.

And this is my story now.

Always love,

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