Many moons ago, I used to make videos.
Videos in my car. Videos outside. Videos under a tree. Heck, videos up a tree.
They were spontaneous. They were lo-fi. They were rambly + unpolished + vulnerable.
They felt like meeting you for cups of tea + sacred picnics.
They felt like there was nothing in between us.
And then somewhere along the way, I got told enough times by well-meaning business mentors + teachers:
You need to be more polished. Your webcam videos are so not professional. You need to use better video equipment, and have shorter videos, and be more concise.
And so I bought a video camera + lights + a fancy video recorder.
I even created a video “set.”
And then I proceeded to make…
It just wasn’t fun anymore. It wasn’t spontaneous. It felt hot + prickly + sweaty. It just wasn’t ME.
Instead of just turning up to a picnic + talking to you, there you were far behind the blaring video lights + I couldn’t hear you. All I could hear was the stern voice in my head saying:
You just as you are is not enough.
Stop rambling. Stop saying umm. Get to the point, Leonie.
I forgot my voice. I forgot what I wanted to say.
I became so focussed on finding Something Important to say.
Creating became un-fun.
When before it was the greatest joy of my life.
It’s been a reclamation ever since then. To finding my own path, my own voice, my own way of creating.
Rules be damned.
I don’t often follow “the rules” of how things should be done.
But I did in this particular area of my business.
And official review in: IT SUCKED THE BIG DONKEY BALLZ.
So here I am.
Today, I felt the flow of energy course through me.
The energy that said:
Something needs to be said. Something needs to be shared.
For the last couple of years, I’ve ignored that impulse.
It’s just too fucking hard to do it on video. It’s too fucking hard to do it perfectly.
And so I didn’t at all.
I forgot my own holy grail of advice:
I got stuck.
Stuck so firmly in the trap of perfectionism.
It was a place I never thought I’d be.
But there I was. And I didn’t even know.
The voice in my head was too loud:
You have to be more polished Leonie. You can’t use your webcam, Leonie.
And I mired about in the mud, not enjoying the not-creating. Not enjoying the not-doing things my own way.
And then today.
I don’t know what it is.
Something has shifted in me the last week.
For months I have been calling out to myself as I fell asleep.
Come home to yourself Leonie. Come home into your spirit. I really, really miss you.
I think my soul has been traumatised from the last five years of motherhood, family problems, post natal depression + hyperemesis gravidarum.
So much so, it was like:
Well fuck this, I’m not safe here. I’ll go hang out in the sky instead.
Anyways… something clicked about a week ago.
And I… landed again.
And today, when the course of energy ran through me…
instead of getting lured into the great yawning chasm of perfectionsim…
I just turned on my webcam instead.
And started the first (or maybe the long awaited sequel) to
Leonie: Life, Soul, Art + Biz
The TV Show + Podcast
It is long. It is rambly. And unpolished.
And I adore it just as it is.
I adore that it exists most of all.
In it, I share my journey, and some news.
But most of all… I share me.
You can watch it as a video.
Or you can listen to it as an audio below.
(The show will eventually be on iTunes, once they motherfucking approve my explicit swearing podcast! They are taking too long however for my impatient PUBLISH NOW finger!)
AND you can subscribe through iTunes! Hooray!
I’m so glad to be here with you.