a ye olde photo of us… from my inner marriage day…
A few nights ago, I had a strange pregnancy dream.
Usually, when I dream, I understand what they mean – they hold wisdom and medicine and teachings for me. They show me what I need to know.
But this dream?
This dream was odd and puzzling, and just plain strange.
I was with Chris, and we were looking up at the night sky, and the stars turned into formations, then into bright lights. Aliens came, and abducted us, and took us back to their place (a field near my parent’s farm). They gave us lobotomies. They made Chris the King of the Aliens, and he temporarily forgot about me. And what did the lobotomy do to me?
It rendered me thoughtless, except for an overwhelming feeling of love for Chris. I kept walking around the field saying “Where is Chris? I love Chris. I want to be with Chris.” Over, and over again. All I could think of was him.
At some point, I found him again, and we went to the alien cafeteria for lunch. The aliens were quite nice and human-like, but when it came to serving me food, they were a bit annoyed at me being a pregnancy-diet gluten-free vegetarian. Insert aliens rolling their eyes at me.
The dream was so strong and vivid that I kept thinking about it since then. I didn’t want to write it off as being one of those strange-bizarro-nonsense dreams. It had affected me so much, I felt sure there was medicine in there, under the layers of alien-weirdness.
When I think back to that dream, the thing that stands out for me is that feeling of utter-love and need-to-be-near adoration of my love. I have tears in my eyes at this sweet image of my sweet self… feeling utterly washed with love, and wanting to be only with him.
I’ve been waiting for the days to peel back the story to the mystery… and now I understand.
Last night, I went to bed at pregnant-woman-o’clock (it was about 8pm). My love stayed up a little longer to watch a movie. It took me a little while to fall asleep, even though I was tired. I was pre-worrying about heading out a friend’s farm for a night of tipi-camping with my goddess sisters the next day. I felt unsettled – usually I *love* the farm. I adore tipi-camping! And a night of goddess-ness? It’s my dream come true!
But I’m different at the moment. Maybe I’ll always be this kind of different, maybe it’s just a pregnancy thing. It’s emotional, but it’s also this raw, urgent, instinctive need. How am different? I worry about not having Chris by my side – my big, gentle, angelic protector. I crave being around his energy, and feel unsettled at the thought of being away from him.
So I was pre-worrying that I wouldn’t be with him for less than 18 hours, or sleeping next to him the next night. I eventually consoled myself with the thought that I could sleep with my mobile while camping, and call him to come for me if I needed to.
I fell asleep to that comforting thought, and awoke to a loud crap of thunder. Instinctively, my hand sprung out to the other side of the bed, clawing at Chris’s blanket. He wasn’t there. A moment or two later, my fuzzy brain realised it was still early, and that he was still in the lounge room. And this wild, instinctive part of me roared “Where’s Chris? I love Chris! I want to be with him!” (The same words from the dream.) I considered getting out of bed, but pregnancy-body decided no. Instead, I grabbed a piece of his blanket, dragging it to me, and burrowed my face into it, falling asleep at his scent.
This morning, I awoke at the first light. My love was already up, feeding the puppies. He came back to check on me, then mosied out to the heater to read.
And slowly, very slowly, the soft pieces of understanding fell into place in my head.
My brain is so fuzzy at the moment with I’m-growing-a-baby-tiredness, that I feel like I do walk around most days with a lobotomy. And the thought that runs through my mind while I’m plodding along the supermarket one aisle over from Chris? Or waiting for him at an appointment? Where’s Chris? I love Chris. I need to be with him.
And when I’m beside him, and can slip my arm into the warm crook of his arm, the voice is quiet. There are no thoughts, just a soft and gentle peace that I am where I am supposed to be.
All my life, and all of this relationship, I’ve been relatively independent. I love Chris so deeply, and spend the great majority of my time with him. But clingy? I can only survive camping if I have my mobile to hear your voice? I need your smell to fall asleep to? Not so much.
Well, not so much before.
For the next six months, I could be happy staying just in this cottage, just him and me, and not go out at all. Just to sit in each other’s energies, and the soft nest of this blue painted cottage. Just to be, and incubate a new life into the world.
It’s still so early in the morning, but I get out of bed, pulling a jumper and ugg boots on, the distance between me and he suddenly too big again. He is lying on the couch, and I lie on top of him like bunkbeds, his hands wrapped around my belly.
Honey, I have to tell you something. I’m really in love with you. And I had a dream about alien abductions, and all I could do in this dream was look for you because I wanted to be beside you so much. I really crave being with you. I need to be around your energy. I just crave you.
<< Mini blog writing break while hunky comes to lay beside me, I get to stare adoringly at him, then he brings me some vege chips. >>
And his breath rises and falls beneath me, and he says in my ear:
That makes sense darling. We’ve made a baby together, and it has half my soul energy and half yours, and half my cells and half yours… and it’s inside you. You crave me because I am a part of you now, and you are a part of me. Our path is fused together now. To be honest, I would just be happy to stay in this cottage with you until our baby is born.
And so it is.
Things, in this beautiful world of mine are changing. I am changing.
Slowly, slowly, our souls are becoming even more enmeshed with each other’s. The two paths we have walked before this time – even the years they have travelled side-by-side – those two paths are melding into one.
Although it is me carrying this baby inside me – maybe, just maybe – Chris is carrying both of us along. He’s the one who grabs my hand and gently guides me through shopping centres when I start napping as I stand up. He’s the one who makes sure I’ve got enough to eat, a soft place to sleep and enough money to get through the day. He’s the one I send long, emotional, girl-talk emails to, to ask him for advice. He’s the one who teaches me about boundaries, resting and listening to my body.
My arms are wrapped around my belly, my womb… while his wings are wrapped around all of us, encircling us with his love.
It took me an alien-abduction dream to see it, but I crave my love like sunlight and water because – maybe, just maybe – that’s what me and this little baby inside me need right now.
P.S. And I’m totally giggling… I’m remembering a post by my favourite Penelope about her hubby while she was pregnant. I’m totally feeling you, darling. I need to pink crayon love hearts all over pictures of Chris too.
P.P.S. Happy one year anniversary of getting engaged, my love.