I am here, on my red beanbag,

feeling soft and mellow and sad and elated and grief and love and wonder and magic and joy all at once.

Tonight, I was painting a goddess picture, and on the radio was “Cosmic Conversations” ~ a clairvoyant named Bridget who does readings on air… I thought… it’s time for me to call.

So I did.

It took me 15 mins to get through, but something kept telling me it was time for me to call. I did get on air, and I did speak to Bridget.

She asked how she could help,

and all I said was:

“I lost my brother when I was 14, and I just wanted to say hi.”

She laughed, and said: “You know you can say hi anytime! You’re a Scorpio and know you are powerful at these things… especially at night.” She was right… I knew I could say “hi” anytime, but I still wanted to speak with her.

She told me that he kept saying he was my big brother, and that he’d always be my big brother. I am crying as I write this. How good it feels to remember that.

She said that he had passed suddenly, that one moment he was here, the next he was not, and that it wasn’t his fault. Such a relief to know this. (He passed away in a farm accident.)

She told me he was surrounded by family and friends already past, including grandparents. That he was with Tommy, Andrew and Peter, and to ask my mum who they were. (I think I know already who Tommy is, but will find out from my mum later if she knows more.)

One thing I have really felt sadness about is Chris not having met my brother Clinton, and I told her this. She laughed and said: of course Clinton knows! He chose for Chris to be in your life. He’s still your big brother you know! He still sees what’s in your life and what you love. He knows Chris. This is such a relief for me.

She said that Chris and I were two wise old souls together.

And… the most startling thing. For the last little while, as I’ve been falling asleep, I’ve felt a kiss on my cheek goodnight and a presence on the bed. I awake thinking it is my dog, but he is fast asleep. It is comforting, and loving. I told Chris about it, and even wrote an entry about it on here.

Anyhows, I didn’t tell her this, but Bridget said: “Clinton has been tucking you in goodnight. He sits on the end of your bed watching you.”

At this point, I just burst into tears.

She ended by saying: “He is there for you all the time. He calls you his “little star” ~ whenever he thinks of you, he thinks of a star, and knows to find you by the stars.”

For years after his death, I used to look up at the stars to find him ~ that was my way of connecting with him.

So yes… loving magical overwhelming emotional all these things and so many more…

i talked with my dearest brother tonight… it hasn’t sunk in yet.

but already i feel so blessed, like my heart cavity is expanding, feeling my awareness opening, and I can *feel him* again. I had closed myself off from it, I realise now, and it has taken this to wake me back up to the divine love which spreads over time and distance and the planes of living.

feeling grateful blessed overwhelmed loved renewed happy teary

i have a feeling things in the world are going through beautiful movements at the moment…

much love and cosmic magic to you all tonight…

and to my brother for shining like a shiny thing,

and showing me his love just as I needed to remember it…