Once upon a time, I tried to divine the future.
When you first grasped a pen, I watched:
left handed like your Daddy?
right handed like me?
As though that would tell your destiny.

Did you talk quickly? Did you walk late? Were you afraid of loud noises?
Shy or boisterous?

As though all the calculations would tell me who you are,
and who you would be in this world.

And then I found the truth:

I don’t know who you are.
And I love you all the same.

Dear Ostara,
apple of my eye, lightbeam from the heavens,
I have no idea about you
and it doesn’t matter at all.
One day, right now,
you’ll grow up.

Will you be artistic? Or sporty? Studious? Or a fun-seeker?
I don’t know.
It doesn’t matter.

Will you yell at me when you’re a teenager? Slam doors? Chase down boys or run after girls?
I don’t know.
It doesn’t matter.

I have no idea what you’ll be when you’ll grow up.
It doesn’t really matter, as long as you are you.

I don’t know if you’ll travel the world. Or settle down early.
I don’t know if you’ll be a mama, or not.
I don’t know if we’ll always get along, or if we’ll be best mates, or if you’ll need time out from me for a while.
I don’t know if you’ll get married, or never get married, and if you’ll love men or women or middle sex, or as I say to your Daddy “Who knows what relationships will be like in the future!”

I don’t know what you’ll think of the world, and if it will differ radically from me or your Daddy.
I don’t know if you’ll live until you’re a wild 95 year old like my gran, or if you’ll die like my brother before you turn 25.

I don’t know if you’ll live here or there or everywhere.
I don’t know if you’re here for a long ride, a short ride, an easy ride, or a challenging ride.
It doesn’t matter.
I will love you anyway.

I don’t know who you are.
That’s your business. That’s your thing for you to work out.
I don’t know if you’ll always be happy, or if you will hurt.
I will do everything in my power to help you be happy,
but at a certain point, it’s all up to you.
And it’s the best and most beautiful choice you’ll get to make, again and again, in this world.

My only job
is to love you
with my whole heart.

And that’s the easiest task I’ve ever been given in my life.

Love,
Mama