Delicious Ambiguity ~ by Erzulie Dragonfly

I was so very touched by the below post on the Marvellous Message Board from the illuminating, enlightening Erzulie Dragonfly ~ Marcia.

I asked her if I could copy it here to share… it did touch me so.

See her beautiful, colourful blog Women Weaving Dreams ~ thoughtful, delicate, beautiful life and light intertwined with weaving!

Dear Sisters and Friends…

Shortly before she died of ovarian cancer, Gilda Radner wrote:

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.”

I read this with shockwaves running through my system. It seemed to be the answer to a question I hadn’t asked, but one that answered a deep puzzle within me.

All my life things were so uncertain that I clung to any kind of certainty (or so I supposed it was) as if for dear life. I was never the first one to leave a relationship, I was the last one to let go, and I created more pain for myself than anyone else on the planet could have if they tried.

Life is about NOT knowing, about CHANGE, about making the best of the moment, about knowing with a great deal of clarity that there is no clear beginning, middle, or end, and in the moment of reading this it is as if I saw “The Great Divide” in my own life. The time before this knowing evolved, and the present, as it starts to sink in and spread throughout my being, as I take in this simple wisdom and integrate it with other knowings that I now cherish in my life.

This is what I have been learning the last few years, and it has been bubbling up from my feet, through my body, and in the moment I read that quote it burst out the top of my head like a volcano spewing molten lava. A burning truth revealed. A Fourth of July fireworks display. Something was way down deep inside of me and had to come out, and it gushed forth and I felt the heat radiating all around me in waves as the realization of life, and what it really is, and all that the delicious, precious ambiguity produces in us. Growth, yes, change, a continued expansion of the heart and soul, a letting go of what we have previously perceived as control, because there can be no control, there can only be “going with the flow,” even when that flow causes us to tumble over rocks in the stream, impediments in our daily lives, leaving us no foothold anywhere, nothing to grasp so that we will never have to move or change again. I have learned this and so much more.

I realize, with shock, that I am no longer a grasping person. I recognize, with wonder, that I AM beginning to honestly be able to live in the moment. I love a woman and I love her deeply, and I can let her be and feel free of any need to control (Which would be impossible anyway, as we can never control any living being on this planet with the exception of ourselves.). I look in the mirror and see a woman changed. A face without sorrow, one I thought I’d never see. I didn’t think, at 50, that I could change this much, and of course it didn’t happen overnight, but a lot of work goes on underground before we see the first sprout push through the earth.

Months ago I cast thousands of cosmos seeds in light pink, dark pink, and white all along the wall on the side of my building. Today they are blooming in such a mass that it takes my breath away and people have pulled over to the side of the road to see them. But they started as tiny seeds in the palm of my hand. So too does change begin inside of us. I have been building a root system. Today, reading Radner’s quote, something just rushed through my being and blew open all the doors and windows of my earthly shell, and I took a step forward with a new kind of conscious knowing. Change will come. I will embrace it. I will love with an open heart, and an open hand, and I will cherish each and every moment of my life in all it’s splendor.

Today I woke up and signed onto the computer and the first thing I saw was the news of Christopher Reeves death. I felt like a fast-flying baseball had hit me in the gut. And I wondered how I ever thought I had anything to complain about, when this courageous and gentle man came through all that he had with such courage, strength, and grace. And I reread the Radner quote and I thought about those moments before his accident when he was virile and strong and full of life, and a moment later, near death, never to be the same again. Today, he flies free from the prison that has bound him these years since the accident, the prison of his own body. We feel grief, but change came again for Christopher Reeves. Now he IS Superman, flying high and free. His soul has taken flight.

None of us know what will come in the next moment. None of us know what life will bring. In the darkest, most painful time a woman appeared as if by magic, someone I could never have conjured up with my own imagination, someone I would have never dreamed to ask for, someone who was like no person I had ever met in my life or would likely meet again, and I love her with an open hand. And sometimes it has not been easy. But today I thought of her and smiled. Delicious ambiguity.

What does Radner’s quote say to you, what does it bring up for you, how does it make you feel? I’d really like to know. Blessings to each and every one of you.

Let go, and let life flow…

Erzulie