Last night I had the most amazing conversation.
I haven’t cried or laughed or felt so alive in a long time.
I talked again to my beautiful friend Dan.
He was my best friend when we were 15. I have no way of explaining our friendship, it fits into no normal archetype of friendship. He was, quite simply, my soul brother.
From the instant I met him I felt like I had known him forever.
He met me on so many planes ~ we connected intellectually, philosophically, in humour, loyalty, intensity and friendship. We came from different places and yet met together on the same field, both literally and metaphorically.
I loved him instantly. Knew that I would always love him, no matter what he or I did, or how many years passed between us. No matter what we grew into, or how our lives panned out, I knew I would love him.
When our friendship did disintegrate, I grieved so much over the loss.
I missed our long conversations on anything and everything; our phonecalls that we could never end without an extended time of goodbyeing and you hang up, no you hang up; missed having the sweetest teenage companion a girl could ever wish for; missed being loved no matter what; missed the long nights staying up half the night talking and falling asleep holding hands.
He was a part of my family ~ he would stay over for days on end, and my parents would let him stay in my room. He came with us to a disabled sports event and dinner, in memory of my brother. He laughed with me and my sister, and cried with us too.
He was/is funny ~ smart ~ sweet ~ brilliantly intelligent ~ silly ~ romantic ~ sensitive ~ juicy ~ sensible ~ always thought*ful and thought*provoking ~ endearing.
When our intense closeness stopped I grieved for years. I regretted doing the things I thought had pushed us apart. I didn’t understand why he still didn’t get how much I loved him. They were growing years… these past five years. Years of us finishing school and starting out in a big scary world and falling in love and moving in with our respective partners.
I didn’t think he still liked me. I thought he finally realised that I was annoying. I didn’t think he saw our friendship in the same way anymore.
But yes, I re*connected again with my beautiful soul brother again last night. I am welling up even as I write this, such is the extent to which this has deeply touched me.
I have just found something I wrote during our “breakup”… for all our intensity, closeness and love, losing the friendship was like a breakup…
Upon A Phonecall With A Friend
I think I have Lost.
(Momentarily – maybe – hopeful)
Hard leaving behind something you
once loved with a velocity
Harder not knowing if you are leaving them behind
or they are leaving you behind
or if you are both leaving each other.behind together.
Whatever it is, it hurts,
but must be.
Hard knowing that the bonds which linked you to your past have weakened,
have broken ?
Hard realising that you aren’t the one they want to be next to, to laugh with, to talk to, to spend the languid days of holidays with anymore.
Hard finding that hours just laying in bed together talking are over
and may not happen again.
Could I take us back to those days?
when we were not divided by an invisible force, by age, by experience, by the path of life itself.
why do i ask myself these incessant questions
I know today is today
yesterday is what yesterday was.
and today and yesterday hold very different paths.
Hard knowing you are almost a stranger.
When once, we were best friends.
Does it hurt you?
I can still remember the day we sat beneath the tree and
Romeo and Juliet
Can still remember…
the way it used to be.
Can remember your childlike hair, beautiful and silky
folds falling upon a cupid face.
Your Today Hair
is not as sweet as Yesteryears.
You’ve grown up.
where am I?
You seem nonchalent.
you didn’t even hug me when my face my eyes my hands were sad.
you didn’t even ask me if I was ok.
Maybe I wasn’t.
Daniel, I love you.
Growing up is so hard.
Leaving each other behind is hard.
Maybe one day you will let me call you Danal BB once more
and I will drop this guard of mine, this fascade of adult
and we will be the Year 10s again
and we will play in the sun
and throw dust in the air
Even for just one day.
Is that ok?
I’ll let this be
Once growing slows
Once rate of change dwindles
Once I know
and you know
That it is all going to be Ok.
Wow. That’s all I can really say. The poem is sort of prophetic in a way. Maybe one day you will let me call you Danal BB once more… and I will drop this guard… and we will play in the sun… even just for one day.
Well, one day was last night. The sun opened and in its light we could open like two roses and connect with each other. I could tell him that I loved him and he could understand. We could rehash, and relearn and remember about it all. That we could bask in the light of clarity and see each other as we truly are. We could see the story as told by two voices ~ his and mine.
That we could connect again. That we could meet each other on the field once more. Yes, it may have all been online, but it was all real.
I feel as though I can finally be at peace with it all. I feel like I had lost a part of myself and now I have found it all again. I feel like my 21 year old self and my 17 year old self have found each other again and are embracing. I feel like the wounds of regret and loss can finally begin to mend instead of scar.
I am crying now. Because it is all so big. Big emotions, big connection. I feel like standing on the top of the roof and shouting: he still likes me! We’re still friends!
This is the relief of it all. I have not written like this in a long time. I have not felt like this for a long time. I feel whole again.
I didn’t want to say goodbye last night. It was like the old you hang up ~ no you hang up. I didn’t want to lose that connection again. I have looked for it for five years, grasping at tender strings, to no avail. And then it happens. Like some part of the universe opened up and we could talk again. Talk like how we used to. Be how we are. I am afraid of losing that again. I don’t want him to forget what we had, what we still have, and how much it’s still just me, silly blonde me, still crazy about him, still loving him. Just as he is.
I couldn’t sleep for hours after I went to bed. I tossed and turned, happy, churning ~ I had just re-met my childhood best friend. It was still there. He is so high on my list of importance. After my beautiful other half, and family, he is there.
I had strange dreams ~ that I was sliding down a long and winding slippery slide trying to find Dan; that I was running very late to catch a plane that he was on.
Me running so hard to catch up with past to connect with him again.
How did I get so lucky?
I am sad that we lost sight of each other for a little while. But I am ever so grateful that it ever was.
What if it never happens again? What if the connection lines are down, or busy, or criss crossed. I have to accept the possibility of that. And that is okay. Not easy to accept, but okay. I am intensely grateful that it ever was. I am over the moon with gratefulness that I had the second chance to be just me and him for those few hours. I am so thankful to the universe for drawing me and this boy together again.
I feel as though in some way, he completes the shape of me. I have my Chris, my soulmate and partner who loves me as I am right now. And I have my Dan, my soul brother who loved me as I was. And these are the two men in my life that I have chosen to be my non-blood relatives; strangers who were picked to be my heart family.
Some people don’t get to have one awesome, out of this world love in their lives at such a young age. I got so lucky to have two.
Today I celebrate love in all its forms.
Especially old, beautiful, friendships that meander down the path of life and find they are still together.