felt really freaking crabby today. CRABBY.
over nothing and everything. anything.
questioning.
why am i feeling all of this
should i feel angry
should i say why i’m feeling angry
what if i come off as being too intense
what if this is all MY own stuff

just plain messy

i think it’s difficult sometimes – once you accumulate some tools for life,
but then have no idea when to apply one or the other.
for example –
on one hand {the feminist, emotional side}, i should be allowing myself to feel the way i do, and to SPEAK my TRUTH about it. {but what if i’m not sure what the truth is?}
on the other hand {which is meditative, buddhist}, i shouldn’t be paying so much damn attention to my feelings. i should find peace in every.moment.

it’s kinda like a case of not-sure-what-religion-i-should-be-today.

ever get that?

i meet chris after work to drive home.
I’M CRABBY, i announce.
he lets me sit in my crabbiness.

we get home, and i rush to go to bellydancing class.
he wraps me up in a dance to “Beautiful Girl” by INXS.
I thank him for putting up with my crabbiness,
and he only laughs and says:
any time.

i get the feeling he means it.

in the car to bellydancing,
i say it outloud:
I FEEL REALLY CRABBY
somehow, it feels better to just say it out there.
not cover it up. just let it be heard by the grey sky.

and i belly dance (even though i felt too crabby to dance)
and i dance it out,
until my mind isn’t whirring with questions
and failures and sadness and letdowns {perceived or otherwise}.
it is just stretching and shimmying and working out how to move my hips without jangling my arms.

i’m not sure what religion i am today.
some days i wish i had the answers to it all,
that i got it given to me in one nicely bundled package,
and i could just call it one thing. i’d know exactly what tool to use and when.
when to speak, when to stay silent.
but i don’t think i signed up for the religion package deal when i came to earth.
i think i’m here for the smorgasboard. the buffet. i may even eat from stalls on street corners.
i don’t think i’m always going to know the answers, and they aren’t going to be all found in one book, one meal, one religion.
it’s an adventure to find it. piece by piece, the scavenge hunt of my spirituality comes together.

and i have to believe that being crabby,
is as divine as lesson as being happy.