great mystery snapshots…
This was going to be an entirely different post than what it is.
Last night I wanted to write about emotional blow outs, which I still want to do, but I also wish to share how the Universe has magical plans for us that we may not see at the time.
I had the equivalent of a car tyre blow out last night.
I hadn’t written a thing all day – on my “writing” day, which made me feel awful. All I had done was collage some cards (which looked pretty super, but soooo a distractionary tactic!)
And then there’s so much happening in my life at the moment – big stuff and good stuff – but it is energy shifting. I am learning to speak my truth, stay centred in my energy and be the peaceful warrior of my spirit.
And then buying a house and the weight of a mortgage.
And then we put our car in for a service. They took an hour and a half longer than they were supposed to, so by the time we got it, I was too late to go to my illustration class. And I really don’t like missing things.
So all of this resulted in me crashing on the couch in tears, sobbing how I felt like a failure for Not Having It All Together. Ah yes, the Task of Having It All Together. Of everything being digestable, easy, functioning and all good. When Chris asked me if I was okay, I told him I’d just blown out one of my tyres. It’s been a long time since that happened, and I wondered how things would be different now. Just how far into the abyss I wanted to fall, discover and grovel in. I wondered if I would fall or fly; if I would eat my way out and listen to bad songs and continue to spiral down; or if I could find a new way to hear my heart and comfort myself.
I wondered why I had to miss illustration, why tonight was necessary, how this all worked in the big scheme of things, why did I need to be at home tonight, and why oh why did I feel this way.
When the tears subsided I took a long hot shower, took myself to my studio, took out my largest canvas and began fingerpainting in my favourite colours. As it dried, I wrote letters with paint stained fingers.
I started to feel the calm return inside of me, lapping at my shore. I began to feel okay again, that it could be okay, that I am okay just as I am.
And then a phone call came. It was my friend Lile. “Are you coming to the scrapbook party tonight at Mich’s?” With shock, I remembered I’d received an invitation, but declined as I thought I would be elsewhere. “No, I wasn’t, but I’ll see you there in 20 minutes!”
I think I danced out that door, my teary face now resplendent with a cheesy grin. I drove there talking to the Universe: HOW GOOD ARE YOU UNIVERSE! YOU SO HAD ME THERE!
At the door, Mich greets me: “I thought you weren’t supposed to be coming tonight?”
“The universe had better plans for me” I reply.
“How good is that!”
So there I was, in a room full of women I love, having a hardcore gigglefest. Releasing with laughter instead of tears (my healer friend D tells me they have the same releasing energy anyway).
And maybe that’s exactly what needed to happen.
Maybe that’s exactly where I needed to be.
The Universe had better plans for me, and once I accepted the Great Mystery, the blessings came flooding through.
I told my friend Paris this morning of last nights breakdown and surprise Festival of Women, Creativity and Laughter,
and he said:
“You know, I don’t think breakdowns are really breakdowns. I really think they are breakthroughs.”
“Every loss in life I consider as the throwing off of an old garment in order to put on a new one; and the new garment has always been better than the old one.”
~ Hazrat Inayat Khan, Gayan ~