Hola panda bears,
So we’ve been talking about some big stuff lately. Like how to ninja chop fears + how to quit freaking out about love.
Hello my darlinghearts,
It’s really, really hard talking about the hard parts of life and motherhood. I don’t like people to worry. I don’t like anyone assuming I need help.
When I write, I’m very happily standing in my power place, seeing what is going on for me, and healing things that don’t feel right. It’s what I do. It’s what gives me joy.
And I can understand how easily that
I’ve heard it all my life.
“Leonie, stop being so hard on yourself.”
And I’d stare at them, without blinking, thinking:
“Don’t you know? If I stop being hard on myself, I am going to get NOWHERE and do NOTHING with my life.”
When I got an A+ for an art assignment in Year 12, my mum asked me how I felt about it.
“I’m pissed Mum. Last time I got an A++. Why wasn’t this one good enough this time?”
There was a long exhale from my mum.
“You know it means the same thing, right? An A++ doesn’t really mean anything right? An A+ and an A++ are the same thing you know?”
“I know. It’s still not good enough though.”
I graduated from school as the School Captain, School Dux, the best student in every subject I studied, and with an OP of 2. {Where I live, you are graded with an OP of 1 to 25 – 1 being the highest}.
For years, I had recurring dreams that I would be able to go back to high school so I could get that elusive OP of 1.
(Seriously, when I think about it, I really should be Mrs Sheldon Cooper. Or at least be a client of Lenard’s mum. /end Big Bang Theory references for THIS POST. But I make NO promises about future posts. They could well become my favourite Lenard montages! With animated Howard gifs!)
Again and again, I heard it:
“Leonie, stop being so hard on yourself.”
My spiritual mentor has said it over and over again.
My astrology reading from the amazing Chris was pretty much one giant message:
Your job is to be easy on yourself, Leonie.
Ha! I thought. So NOT going to happen! I have things to DO people!
If I don’t stop pushing and judging, I’m going to be nothing. Even worse, I’ll be the F word:
Failed.
It’s like I don’t trust my natural way of being. In the last couple of years, I had only two speeds:
RUN! and burnout.
Here’s the current list of things I judge myself on:
Whenever my back is sore and I put Mermaid Daughter in the stroller to walk up town.
Whenever I buy food that is not organic.
Whenever I grocery shop. I always think that I should cook more and make healthier & healthier food.
Whenever I buy anything. I worry about spending money.
Whenever I am on the toilet and Mermaid Daughter wakes up and cries {even though Chris always goes in to her to try and resettle her}.
Whenever Mermaid Daughter cries.
*
My love and I are doing Talking Stick everyday.
This morning, I got the cahones to tell him about the judging of myself I did on a daily basis.
And in that way of his, he said:
I didn’t even know. All those times we walked down the street with Starry in a pram, I was thinking: “This is a nice day! We’re walking down the street!” And you were thinking “What will people think? Her baby is in a pram! I should be holding her!” That must be exhausting to be thinking that all the time hon.
And it is.
No wonder I’m feeling drained.
It’s a whole lot of shoulds.
Today, when I was out, I tried something new.
After nearly 28 years of one thing, it’s time to try another.
Everytime that familiar feeling of MUST DO BETTER! SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD! DO DO DO!
I thought instead:
What is easier? What is the easiest way I can do this?
And everything got simple.
I’d just notice, and make a choice, and just stick with it.
I held Mermaid Daughter when it felt good.
When my back hurt, I gave her to Chris, or put her in the trolley.
I felt anxious walking through the supermarket, trying to decide what to eat.
Again I thought:
What is the easy way?
And for right now, today, the easy way was buying ready made organic risottos.