This weekend, my love and I went to a full weekend workshop on Calm Birthing. It’s a course similar to Hypnobirthing, but was developed here in Australia by a male country midwife. Calm Birthing uses breath and meditation to help the process of pregnancy, birthing and parenting be calmer, more gentle and peaceful.
The first day was a beautiful blend of the practical elements of birthing, the physiology of labour and how our mind and fears can affect our nervous system and uterus.
We went into meditations that get into the subconscious and begin releasing old fears and ideas from there.
I emailed my dear friend Sone that night and wrote “It’s not like our usual transformative kind of work… this has been so gentle, and I can feel it working but it hasn’t ruffled my energy…”
Oh how I speak too soon 🙂
That night I slept fitfully, and the next morning I woke up out of sorts.
I’ve written about this before – and it’s been an emotion that has kept creeping up for me since I got pregnancy. It’s this underlying feeling of fear, terror and sadness that I’m no longer independent, that I have to rely on someone, and that I could lose Chris right when I need him. And I have been feeling so puzzled by this fear – it felt like a very old, old energy that had nothing to do with my life, what I’d experienced or how Chris truly is. My love is rock solid, and totally dependable, and I’ve never met a man more present or loving. I wondered where this emotion came from, and when I would learn its medicine.
That morning, we were led into meditation by our beautiful Calm Birth teacher, Tracey.
She told us to go into our special place in nature.
Immediately, I was taken into a past life.
I was 14 or 15 – with a small, lithe strong body and wild hair. I was heavily pregnant, and all alone.
I sat under an overhanging rock at the top of a mountain, and looked out down the mountain, to a river, and out past the land to the place where the sea met the sky.
A surge of emotion coursed through me – the same one that had been coming up in this life – a feeling of deep sadness, that I was all alone, without a partner or family, and that I would have to do this all by myself. I had no one to depend on but me to bring this baby girl into the world, and teach her how to live.
I began sobbing, and let the feeling wash through me.
A part of me worried about all these tears, but a voice inside me said “Let them out now, it is time to release them and let go.”
So I did, sitting in a wash of sadness, letting the waves come.
Tracey’s voice came through.
“Someone will meet you in your special place. They will tell you what you need to know.”
Beside me, a woman appeared. She had brown hair and kind eyes and an open face. She had the strong, earthy energy of a Shamaness.
“Leonie, you have already done this in your past life. You have already learned this lesson and this medicine. It is not time for you to be alone anymore. It is time instead for sacred union.
Remember Leonie, you have already done this. It is not time for you to be alone anymore.”
Her words sung deep wisdom into my heart and my belly.
Down the valley, I saw Chris walk up the slope towards me. The Shamaness disappeared, and my love came and stood beside me, and took my hand.
We looked out over the valley and sky together, and our bodies lit up together, and shone like the light of a thousand stars.
And with that, something inside me was healed.
And I opened my eyes, and looked at Chris with tears streaming down my face.
And he looked at me with his ocean eyes, and saw into me.
And he held my hand, and our bodies lit up like stars,
and I learned the medicine of what I needed to know…
to be a truer lover, mama and soul.
Our past lives can be gifts to us, teaching us of our pains and wounds, and the places that need to be healed. They can show us the path of evolution, of what we now need to do to become whole, and true, and even more our beautiful selves.
I am so grateful for healing, and for transformation… and for the wisdom and medicines that flow through them.
I am who I am because of both my wounds and my healing miracles… and it is all a deep blessing.
Love like a thousand stars,