“I will not die an unlived life. I will not
live in fear of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my
living to open me, to make me less afraid,
more accessible, to loosen my heart until
it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose
to risk my significance; to live so that which comes
to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and
that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.”
~ Dawna Markova

i’ve been thinking a lot lately.
about B A L A N C E.
changing my routine.
being conscious of my thoughts,
and of how i am spending my time and energies.
i feel like i am at a new stage of the cycle. perhaps i’ve changed medicine wheel directions.

keri smith spoke recently about being conscious of the time she spent on the internet, distracted from her passions.
and it really spoke to me. at first her words caused discomfort in me ~
because it struck home.
funny how those words that really strike home are the ones that aren’t the comfortable ones to hear. the stuff you need to hear, but you don’t really want to.

the last few months i’ve been putting a lot out into the world.
a lot of energy spent in gestating, in being pregnant with my book, in producing an online presence.
and now as my book prepares itself for the world, and connections have been made, and i’m happy with my website and blog and all i’ve produced ~ now it is time for me to go back inside.

yesterday when i came home from work, i was so exhausted, so numb,
that i wanted to lie on my couch.
but i walked past our seashore room, and i caught a glimpse of my writing desk by the window.
it took my breath away. i went and sat there, and immediately my world was righted again. i drew, wrote letters, did all those things i had been meaning to do but had been side tracked from.

i’m a scorpio. an addictive personality. all or nothing. not conducive to balance.

i told chris today that i’ve been in “producer” mode,
and need to go back into creative mode.
back to the roots.
see the internet again as a tool for part of the process,
not the overriding framework.
i’ve been so out of wack lately ~ so much time outside myself, on the net, watching mindless tv.
i’m burrowing back to the authentic me. inside myself.
like persephone, i am returning to my husband and my home in the underworld.

what does this all mean?
well, it means i’ll be taking back up that Simple Abundance book.
i want to write everyday. create everyday.
or even just sit quietly with myself.
i may not blog everyday.
i will study more because i enjoy it.
read more. put some balance of enjoyable tasks in my day.

because this is my life, and i am creating a life well loved.