monday.
my shoulders hunched tightly.
yelling at the computer.
swearing. foul words.
letting OUT my temper. not reining it in. not letting it slip away.
letting it all hang out.
it isn’t pretty.
not pretty at all.
and once you get that low, it is easy – so easy – to continue on the swearing, frustrated, angry streak. i swear at the car making mysterious sounds. i get furious.
it is the ego and the unhealed making a big appearance.

then i wonder why i’ve been feeling rigid and stiff these last few days.
why stuff is all held IN THERE, in a triangle across my shoulders and neck.

at my desk, i muse questions from juliana. she asks me further about a vision i had of a yin/yang tattoo beneath my belly button. she asks me of how i use masculine/feminine energy to deal with different situations every day. i have no idea how to answer her. i began a convuluted and philosophical answer, but wipe it, because i don’t believe in it. i have learned greatly of the importance of honesty when stuck these last few months.

in the hallway at work, nick probes my shoulders with gentle hands, and implores my soul with gentle words:
what is under this leonie?
what are you feeling tense about?
responsibility? whose or yours?

he hugs me, this young soul brother of mine, telling me to remember the inner smile, giving me a meditation to do on releasing anger and releasing being serious.

i return to juliana’s questions, and nick’s hands have helped me release something. the words come trickling out. the realisations follow. i gasp as i type ~ the questions have helped me find the answer.

my vision was a symbol for me of the inner marriage ~ yin/yang, masculine/feminine energies in me. i knew i wanted to develop a deeper sense of this marriage.

i began to see my behaviour of the last few days: it was my wounded masculine energy, reacting in anger, violence, frustration and pain.
i began to see my recent violent dream of men’s souls hurting in the light of insight.

my masculine side hasn’t always had a positive role model. when i become frustrated, it can leap out of me, swearing and fuming in sharp bursts of energy. solar flares that burn. usually i tame it with my peaceful feminine side, but it has been raring out of me lately, demanding my attention. this afternoon it spoke its truth with me: my masculine side needs healing.
masculine energy does not need to be angry. that is not its true essence ~ it is only a distortion of it.
it bears great many gifts and lessons for me to utilise when i come to learn from and heal this fractured part of me.

i spoke to chris this afternoon in the car:
i want to share with you. please do not judge this. i want you to hear me.
i feel strong in asking for what i want.
i share with him. and he responds deeply and sweetly, acknowledging the anger and acknowledging the healing. he asks:
would you like me to paint that yin/yang symbol under your belly button in henna?

it is all i need.
i lay on the bed, chris leaning over me, painting me. yin~yang under my belly button. a sun on my left wrist. a moon on my right. an ankh on my left foot. a masculine symbol on my right. each an ancient symbol of masculine and feminine.
as he paints, i speak in myself:
i release anger.
i release anger.
i open my doors for healing this part of me.
i open my doors for healing this part of me.

i know that it will. the vision has spoken. dear friends have assisted me in translating its message. my lover understands.
and most importantly, i can feel it. i can feel joy in my heart for hearing the cry of that masculinity in me that was asking to be healed.

i am here, and i am ready to hear you.

love,
Leonie,
who is still learning how to love all parts of herself,
and BE all parts of herself.

P.S. i’m so glad i married me. i married shiva and shakti in me, now witness the loving entangle of their healing.