I wrote this the first night I arrived here in Proserpine 27 days ago… I couldn’t post it at the time due to ye olde farm internet stick-out-the-window… but tis here now! Yippee! Belated! Just pretend I sent it via snail mail instead… in a turquoise glitter envelope!
Here I am.
Sitting in my old bedroom, in the only home I ever knew as a child.
It is 6pm, and I am nursing Ostara to sleep. There is an antique duchess in front of me. In the dim of this winter’s twilight, I can see myself and my daughter reflected in the mirror.
The evening sea breeze is twirling around the windows.
I just bathed Starry in the same shower I stood in when I first saw her before me when I was 16. And now she is here. She is not just a vision anymore.
The energy here is wild and strong.
Last night, while Starry slept beside me, my big sister Bek and I curled up on the bed and whispered long into the evening. It was just like we were 14 and 16 again… And that only a moment has passed since that one and this.
I pour out everything on my chest to my sister. All my fears, all my grief, all the things I don’t understand. I talk, she listens, then gives me that sage Capricornian wisdom I’ve been needing. Finally, all the talk is out of me, and all my questions have been answered.
In that moment, my body lets go. Every tense part of me suddenly relaxes, and I sink deeper into the bed.
“I just felt you relax finally,”
My sister says.
Today me, sister and Starry visited our cottage, for the first time seeing it not as my grandmother’s home, but my own.
(My grandmother is ridunkulously happy in a set of adorable apartments just a street away from us for strong, sassy elders.)
We eat salad wraps on the porch. We dream up where furniture may go, what memories will be made here.
We smudge it with pine, sweetgrass and lavendar, cleansing away anything that needs letting go of, inviting in blessings and peace. Chris’ adorable cousin turns up. She had an intuition we would be there. She ensconses us in cuddles, then her little pixie son does his own round of smudging through the house. We plant tigers eye crystals along the boundary for protection.
I collect a month’s worth of mail from my new-old post office, just three boxes separating ours from my parents.
I walk the same stretch of street I always have.
There are new faces and familiar faces. There are faces that look just like me – the joy of living in a town where most of its inhabitants are related to me.
Driving the road between the farmhouse and town, my sister says “I know this road so well I feel I could drive it with my eyes closed.”
I know exactly what she means.
In this moment, I hear my dad, the Great Big Gruff Wild Black Bearded Bushman. He is downstairs, cooing at my sister’s new cat, trying to coax him out of his hiding spot. This is not like my dad. There is a change going through this land, and I can see it in him too.
In the early mornings there is a mass migration to my parents bedroom for a rousing game of Five In A Bed And The Little One Said ROLL OVER!!! Does anyone else play this? Anyone still play it as adults with their parents? We do. It’s just how we roll (ha! Roll! Punny!)
It’s just this time there is a new little one. This little pork chop has her own little pork chop. I look in her eyes, and I see me. I see my love. I see my past, and all the love that has gone before.
Everything that was old is new again.
Here I am.
I am missing my love, and can’t wait to smell his neck when he arrives.
Here I am.
I left this town a Maiden and return as a Mother.
Want to know if I have fears?
By the bucketload.
Want to know if I have all the answers?
I don’t, but I trust that I’ll get them as I need them.
Want to know if I’m human?
Am I glad I am here?
Over and over… yes.
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