Hola lovey!

Want to make sure you never ever get what you want?

Stay miserable for life?

Set up a permanent humpy in that rut of yours that’s starting to look like the Grand Canyon?

You’ve come to the right place!

Here’s some handy hints to make sure you stay exactly where you are and make sure none of your goals ever come true!

These 17 tips will make sure everything sucks 4 life!

WOO HOO!

Let’s do it!

1. If something is hard, quit!

At the first sign of resistance or difficulty in making your dreams come true (cashflow problems, customer problems, getting your first publishing rejection letter), take it as a “sign from the universe” and throw in the towel.

And say it’s because it wasn’t the right time. That it wasn’t the right flow/astrological alignment/soul lesson.

That what’s meant to be will be. Without any effort from you.

Because perseverance and determination are dirty, dirty words.

2. If you don’t like something, don’t do anything to change it at all.

Why should YOU change?

Everyone else and everything else should change instead!

No self work required here! No work! No discipline! No deep soul searching! No therapy! Fuck that shit!

You just stay in inertia, and wait for everything else to be fixed by something else.

3. Surround yourself with other people who are also not doing what they want.

Make sure you spend as much time with them complaining about: your life, your partner, your kids, how tired you are, how broke you are, how stupid other people are, how shit life is.

Don’t surround yourself with people who are positive, motivated, foward-moving, intelligent, happy, making-their-own-dreams-come-true. People who could actually help you just by being able to be in their mindset. You don’t wanna hang out with them.

Besides, it’s HARD making new friends. It’s HARD letting go of people who are dragging you down. Who needs hard?

Comfort yourself with your life being stuck on broken and your dreams never coming true because HEY! That’s what it’s like for EVERYONE around you!

4. Make sure you never invest in yourself.

It’s all a load of shit anyway. It’s not going to help you move forward. You won’t get anything out of it. Everybody is a scammer and a spammer. They aren’t going to give you the exact thing you need for your exact specific situation. And investing in yourself takes MONEY. You gots none of that. Sure, you’ve got enough for other shit, but not for investing in yourself.

So why bother? Just keep on struggling.

5. If you do invest in yourself, don’t do anything with it.

And make sure you tell everyone it’s because you don’t have time, or because the course you invested in sucks balls and doesn’t work.

It’s not like you can’t make the time, or make it a priority, or actually implement anything in it, can you?

6. Blame everybody else.

Blame the weather, the government, society, the economy. Anything but actually taking any kind of responsibility for your situation.

Make sure you feel like a total victim in every situation. Don’t take any responsibility for your part in the game. Don’t look at places you might need to heal within yourself, boundaries you might need to learn how to grow, communication or business or marketing skills that need developing.

It’s way easier feeling out of control in a universe that happens to you, instead of consciously creating and changing your own world.

7. Be passive aggressive. Never communicate your needs.

People should just KNOW what you need without you ever having to say it, you know?

If your partner/friend/family shits you off, make sure you talk about his faults at work.

Give him the silent treatment. Withhold sex (ummm… handy hint: you should always withhold sex from family. That got awkward. Wow! Ha!)

Say bitchy things to make them feel like crap too (a great way to start this is “Yeah well YOU never…”)

Never gently, sincerely ask for your needs to be met and work out a way for them to be met.

They’ll never give it to you anyway, so why bother?

8. If your buttons are pressed, act out!

Make sure you write that bitchy email. Get all passive aggressive with your partner. Quit!

Life shouldn’t be that hard! You shouldn’t ever be forced to feel your dark places! It’s hard and yucky navigating any pain or confrontation!

Or you know, you COULD: sit with it. Be with it. Talk it over with dear friends to try and find a path forward. Face what you might need to change in the situation. Get to know your resistance so you can move through it. Treat it as medicine so you can evolve to the next level of yourself.

Nah, fuggedaboutit. Better to just lash out now.

9. Don’t create anything of your own.

It’s waaaaaaaay easier than actually putting yourself out there.

It takes WORK and FAITH and COURAGE to create. And gah – who has time for that?

So what if you’ll pine for wanting to create for the rest of your life.

At least you’ll be safe. You won’t have to do a thing. You won’t have to do the work.

It’s better that way.

10. Be a professional critic. As a hobby.

Gossip as much as you can. Criticise the ever loving fuck out of anyone who is creating anything.

Because EVERYONE is interested in your negative opinion.

In the case of celebrities/bloggers that shit you off, make sure you hate read as much as you can and voraciously read everything you can about them in magazines or by following them on social media.

That way you’ll get plenty of fodder for PROOF of how much they are an idiot/have differing world views to you/are wrong.

In the meantime, your own life/business/dreams aren’t getting any attention whatsoever. And they are feeling lonely and lost and in need of your love.

Keep ignoring them. It’s easier being a pro critic.

11. Make sure jealousy subsumes you instead of motivating you.

Hate on rich people. They are all selfish, greedy motherfuckers anyway! It’s not like you know any personally and exactly what they do with their money. But YOU KNOW! FUCK THEM!

Criticise the shit out of anyone who got that book deal, are crazy successful in art, have a real hot husband, managed to get inseminated or anything else you’re pining for.

Don’t take it as a major motivational factor for you to do what you want. Don’t say to yourself “Oh wow! If they can do it, I can too!” Don’t get excited about how possible it is because someone else has proven it can happen.

Instead, feel like they have stolen all your dreams, there is no possibility for you to make them happen for yourself.

Bonus points: make sure you hate them for making you feel jealous and criticise them. Because criticising others always ALWAYS helps your own personal happiness. #nottrue

12. Be an asshole to yourself

Make sure you say really, really mean things about yourself in your head.

Give yourself shit for everything you do.

Absolutely do NOT under any circumstances believe you can change.

Do NOT cultivate a cheerleader voice in your head that tells you:

You are a good person. I love you. You can do this. We can do this. You’re not alone.

Forget that the truth lights you up and that what isn’t true makes your cells dim.

Just keep up with the toiletting on yourself. That’ll defo help.

13. Read trashy gossip magazines and blogs and forums.

You know the kind, anything that makes you feel like you’ve lost a few brain cells + will to live after reading.

Make sure you have a strict diet of maintaining a shitty, judgmental perspective of other people’s lives.

It will DEFINITELY make you so much happier, more compassionate and loving. #nottrue

And added bonus! You’ll feel like you live in a safe, kind, loving world where your own lifestyle choices + body are respected by everyone else out there. #alsonottrue

What you think “the real world” is is composed directly of the stuff you see and read. If you choose to read awful things, you’re going to think you live in an awful world.

14. Start arguments on the internet

Try and convince someone just how much they suck for writing the thing they did. Because that’s ALWAYS going to work out well.

Photo Credit: http://xkcd.com

15. Take any criticism that’s thrown at you and use it as an excuse to not do the thing you want

Someone has dissed your artwork? Told you that you suck?

Throw an internal hissy fit and cry:

THAT WILL SHOW THEM! I WON’T SHINE MY LIGHT EVER THEN!

Disappear and hide so the critics can never, ever find you.

Don’t seek out friends/therapist that can help you work through that inner pain. Don’t try and find a new perspective. Don’t look inside you for the sacred soul truth. Don’t find your inner faith and courage and self belief.

Just put on a cloak of invisibility and disappear. Never go after your dreams because once upon a time, one person said something that wasn’t very nice once.

16. Take your online life as being the real one

What people think of you online is how valuable you are as a human being.

Make sure you get your ego and identity well and truly entangled with how many friends, followers and likes you get.

Forget there is a whole beautiful world out there when your computer screen is closed down.

Forget that your spirit is singing inside you, forget the birds are outside, forget the silence and love that emanates all around you.

By the perfect Leunig.

17. Don’t set goals. Don’t revisit them.

No point. They’ll never actually happen anyway.

Goals are for schmucks! It takes too much effort!

18. Don’t get professional help, ever.

Doctors and therapists and healers and massage therapists and counsellors and relationship counsellors are a waste of time.

Why bother getting the help you need when it’s way more awesome wallowing here in the mud?

MUD FOREVERRRRRRR!!!!!

CONFESSION TIME:

This is the most sarcastic post I’ve ever written in nine years.

I was laying in bed last night, and could hear it all being written in my head.

And it made me laugh because it was so facetious and sarcastic. So unlike that sweet voice of my usual muse.

But there were some damn good lessons in there. Lessons that were useful to me. So I thought I’d share it with you.

Here’s the thing: I am not perfect. I have engaged in all of the behaviours above at different times. It’s okay to experience them. Totally okay. I’m not judging you (because I’ve long since discovered that being a Professional Judge Of Everyone actually brings me a lot of pain). However you want to do life is totally up to you, sweetie.

I’m sharing this because I personally believe and have experienced that it’s not a good thing for me to stay stuck in any of the behaviours above. If I start spinning my wheels in the mud, I need a shift of perspective. I need to do something ELSE: get back to my real life, my centre, my faith, my crew of positive peeps. You know, the OPPOSITE of all the crapshoots above!

And then… things start working again. I get happier again. More productive. Shit starts happening (good shit, that is!). Life (and business) start moving in the right direction.

As if by magic. As if a fucking unicorn had touched me with its shining glittering wand.

Funny, isn’t it?

Big love,