photos by the magical trish mcneill photography
I feel like I am going through a massive change right now.
I feel like I am being called to LET GO. Let go of my old self, my old hair, how I used to look, who I used to be, how I saw the world, how I saw my family, where I thought I would live for the rest of my life.
I am being called into my Power. Into a highly attuned, in-tune way of living.
I am making big, hard decisions and choices.
I am changing who I am so quickly that I often need to just sit and breathe and stare at a wall.
My face is changing every single day. Who I was once, I no longer am. I wonder who I will be, what I will look like tomorrow.
My body has changed too.
Everything is shifting. SO fast. SO deeply.
And I know it’s the thing we all need to do right now.
It’s not just me who this is happening to.
It’s all around me. In every conversation I have with.
So many people are feeling it too.
Today, my daughter and I went to play at a friend’s shop.
And while Ostara played in their teepee, we curled up together to try out quilts and talk about how our buttons are being pressed.
And that no matter how this all plays out, it’s all bringing us to where we need to be.
I’ve taken deep breaths, and paid a small fortune for a new coach to help grow my business + soul purpose.
I’ve woken up at 5am to wade out into the pre-dawn darkness, to sit in our backyard, to do group calls with my coach and my assistant. I’ve hyperventilated in the dark, gasped for breath at the changes I need to make.
I’ve wondered why I need to change, to grow.
The only answer I know is:
Because. Because you are called to it. Because this is what needs to happen now.
My whole life,
I’ve always firmly known
my destiny is to help over a million people heal.
I feel like all of this is training ground
for me to be able to do just that.
This is the big work.
I let go of who I was
in order to become who I am.
I’m still swimming in the Land of Not Knowing.
Dancing in the Great Mystery.
I always knew EXACTLY who I was and what I wanted to create next.
And right now I don’t know.
It can be terrifying to not know.
And yet, I cannot stay the same.
My old shell, my old skin has already peeled away.
And don’t get me wrong –
I LOVED my old shell. I have LOVED so deeply who I knew I was.
And yet I no longer fit in it.
The last two years of my life have shifted and transformed and smoothed my rough edges like nothing else.
I gave birth and immersed myself in the tending to of a very sensitive little soul. I lost my old way of life. We suffered tremendous hardship. I moved to my hometown to watch my parent’s marriage disintegrate and my family of origin implode. I went deep into the belly of Post Natal Depression. I’ve met the very edges of my energy and what I’m able to do. I faced every single one of my old patterns. I hit up against every hard edge of my illusions.
And it has sucked, and it has hurt like hell.
And yet, and yet.
It has been the greatest medicine I have ever known.
I am who I am for all that has gone before me.
I am more powerful, and clearer, and stronger for what has happened.
The worst thing in the world can be the best thing.
I’m less of a maiden, and more of a mother.
I’m less of a dreamer, less of a perfectionist.
I’m less swamped by my ideals, and more interested in what I’m Truly Able To Do.
I’m no longer a superhero, and I am very okay with that.
I used to think the world came in only two colours: black and white. People were either Good or Bad, Right or Wrong.
Now I’m much more comfortable with being uncomfortable. With the inbetween. With the not knowing.
I’m less hung on on judging whether someone is Good or Bad, Right or Wrong.
I can only discern instead from:
Is this the right thing for me right now?
There are a thousand hues between black and white.
I’m much better at tending to myself. Giving myself what I need.
Saying no when I mean no. Saying yes when I mean yes.
Taking myself out of places, situations, relationships that aren’t the right thing for me right now.
I’m giving myself the space to explore this great white mysterious eagle inside me.
The me I am becoming.
There is something new underneath my old skins.
I am still seeing what it is, what it means.
I know it is bright and it is very, very shiny.
I know it is clearer + truer than ever before.
I know it is where I am being called to.
So I take a deep breath.
And I move onwards.
A twinkle of light ahead of me, singing my name.
I’m in the in between,
on the path of change,
a gypsy to the mystery.
I am glad I am here.
“This photo,” Trish says.
“I look at this one, and this is where I see how you have changed, just in the year I have known you.
There is something happening here.”