I was driving home in the car,
the sky dark apart from a gloaming full belly of moon.
I was feeling anger,
great anger at some friends whom I felt had in some way wronged me.
In my head the accusations flocked
and flew. All the ways
I wanted to be right
I kept a score card in my head, ticking off the buttons they had pressed,
and the confirmations of my self limiting beliefs on love.
That people would fall out of love with me. Tick.
That I could not trust. Tick.
That friendship meant pain and hurt. Tick.
The humanness took so much over me that I bubbled and gasped for air.
So I asked myself a simple question:
What do you want?
The words fled back:
I want them to know I am hurt and why I am hurt and how they have hurt me and I don’t want to feel this pain again.
But what is it that you truly want?
And then my Spirit spoke:
I want to love them. I want to love them. I want to just love. I want to love unconditionally. I want to love without rules and hurt and pain. I want to offer love to them, as natural an energy flow as a breeze in spring time. It hurts me to hold back love. I want to love them.
I am learning. I am growing. I am learning to hear what I truly want, under all the hurt. Cutting off love was tearing the nose from my face.
And I am learning to release that hurt to make way for the healing.
As it often does, my body is learning the same lesson at the same time as my soul. Throughout the last week I have had strong neck and back pain. Yesterday a physiotherapist played magic hands on me to wiggle out most of the stiffness, but some pain remains. I am learning to take breaks to stretch and release it away, but I find myself on some level wanting to hold on to it.
Some days I hold on to my hurt like it is a medallion of war, a scar which shows I have suffered this life. Some days it feels safer to feel achy (I know this is not true). Sometimes I hold onto pain because it gives me an excuse to take time out (I find it difficult to call time out otherwise).
The call for spirit, love and healing is growing. In the mists of pain, I feel the longing to return to the Avalonian place of peace.
my spirit calls.
Return to love.