Hola gorgeous goddesses!
I’m ze author of ze #Reverb10 prompt today:
December 19 – Healing
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
I wrote this a couple of weeks ago.
And without even realising, I answered my own question.
I’m on dat ole healing journey again.
You know the kind – the one you need to take when everything gets so hard, there’s no alternative but to find stuff that heals you.
Ostara, precious light in my heart, is nearly nine months old. Nine months in the womb, nine months out. She is growing every single moment, every single day. Today, she started laughing, and began to clap her hands together for the very first time. Today, she was ready to do some further exploring, and set off out onto the verandah to go discover it all on her own. It’s easier & easier to leave her with her daddy as I run to a small cafe and spend two hours writing furiously away & running this beautiful business of mine.
She’s starting to need me a little less intensely just as I’m needing to heal myself. And oh my goddess, how I need to heal myself. I need to heal an intense pregnancy & birth (birth! even when you meditate through the whole thing, it is still the most challenging initiation a woman could face). Oh, and then there’s that nine months of new mamahood, plus the addition of the hardest year of transformation in my life. There’s that transformation toll again: leaving our city and home to move to tropical paradise. Leaving our jobs.
And I still just can’t quite believe our dear friend Justin is dead. I mean – I get that he died and all – but I can’t believe he’s still dead. C’mon dude, you’ve had your time in rainbow land! Come back already! Facebook me to talk about the mysteries of life again!
There’s a million and one more things than this that also happened this year, too numerous, sticky & hard to mention. I’m just a little shellshocked by it all. It’s been one long year of transformation.
So we sit, in this new little cream cottage of ours. Being quiet. Doing our soul’s work. Healing. Slowly, slowly coming home to ourselves. I look over at Christian, my ocean-eyed wonderlove, and I’m immensely grateful to find myself still sailing this ship with him.
And I’m deeply thankful that he supports me in this healing journey of mine.
A friend once said to me:
Even when things get really friggin hard, I’m so so grateful for those healing times. I learn so much from them. That’s when my biggest lessons come. Don’t ya reckon?
And she is right.
When things get hard, I’ve got no choice but to heal.
I’ve got no choice but to listen deeply, attentively & unreservedly to my intuition, hoping & praying it will yield up those things that I seek – the tiny gems of wisdom, the minuscule pointers which way to turn next, how else to be.
I’ve been totally unable to do anything but find some faith that the world is giving me what I need – I just have to pay attention and follow those signs.
I’m going to see my angel acupuncturist every week. She’s totally stereotypical Earth Angel – white blonde hair, ginormous blue eyes that are made of the same stuff as baby deers and rabbits and unicorn sparkle. She pops in the needles & proceeds to do reiki. Holy phenomenal.
A friend mentioned by chance a visiting naturopath, right after I’d been searching for one. On Saturday I sat in our backyard, phone in hand, and cried my little mama heart out to her. The extra blessing on top? It turns out she was a midwife, and is deeply understanding of just what birth + new mamahood take out of a body + soul.
I told Chris that I needed to find an intuitive healer. One that was much older, one that was a counsellor as well, one who knew women’s mysteries & the way of mamahood. And the thing was – I had no idea how to find her, or who she was. I just described to Chris what I needed. I tried not to be anxious. I decided not to take second best & go for what I knew already. I said to him: “I don’t know who it is yet. I just have to wait.”
It was the same words I uttered to him when I decided I needed a spiritual mentor at Ostara’s birth. I didn’t know who or how it was possible. I just voiced out what I needed into the world. And it was that night I found out that my mentor Ellanita was moving back to our town just before her birth.
And it was the same with this. The night after I had voiced out what I needed, the answer arrived. A dear friend told me about a mother’s mysteries retreat she had been on, lead by an intuitive healer & counsellor. And there went the BING! in my head. There went the voice: That’s your woman.
And so it was.
Yesterday, I found myself speaking to the woman I’d dreamed up. So intense was the healing I spent the rest of the day sleeping, feeling like I’d had a total cellular transplant.
And even more healing signposts have popped up. A few days ago, I read an article on Sarah Wilson about tapping. I’ve been taught EFT before – but it had never really sunk in. It just hadn’t been the time for it.
Last night, in my dreams, I got told it was time to start doing EFT. That dreamingland of mine is a special place – it’s the place I get taught by my elders & healing spirits. It’s the place I got shown for the first time how to do hands on healings. Dreams for me aren’t just about donkeys wearing tutus singing songs about the mother country (though that can be special! hee!) Nopes – my dreams are my classroom. So when I get told to do stuff in dreamland, I do. (Ze Goddess Circle is another concoction from my dreamland.)
So this morning I’ve been teaching myself EFT thanks to ze wonders of YouTube. I’ve already tapped myself out of a panic attack.
Yussiree… things they are adrift.
And I am grateful for them.
I’m incredibly grateful for this healing, for all the ways it comes.
I’ll always remember 2010 for being the year that took everything away, so I could find myself again.
I am starting to glimpse what awaits. I’m starting to glimpse feeling lighter. Brighter. Utterly new.
I’m starting to see all the cloaks and weights I am setting down. Things that are not mine, and have never really been mine.
Oh, I see. That’s not mine. That’s not what I really, really wanted. That’s what someone else wanted for me. And that’s okay… That’s okay to let that go now.
I’m starting to dream again.
Drip by drip, moment by moment, healing by healing.
Things can be good.
And in 2011? I want to remember my joy again. That’s how I want to be healed.
Wherever you are at, dearest, I just wanted to offer you total & complete permission for you to be where you are at. To rest. To heal. To find your way. You are doing the bestest job ever.
Love, gratitude & loving awakeness,