Genius doodle by the lovely David Cohen
*
I didn’t know what was driving me.
Or where it was pushing me towards.
I only know its whisper:
Let it go. Let it go. Let it all go.
*
I struggled for a while with it.
Thought of how much I didn’t want any more loss.
Wondered if I would miss what I would let go of.
But then I remembered.
Everytime I’ve let go,
something new, something bright, something more beautiful
this way comes.
*
I felt like something BIG was coming.
I didn’t know what. I didn’t know how.
I only knew I needed to clear the space for it to happen.
*
When we dig a hole in the sand at the beach, there is no emptiness.
Instead, the ocean rushes up from below
and fills it again.
There’s never any empty.
Just possibility.
*
So I let it go.
I let go of my mermaid hair of ten years, the locks that had formed so much of my identity.
And I find instead the haircut that sings to me, that makes me wildly happy on a daily basis.
I let go of my beloved book library, my most prized possession.
And I remember that everything I’ve ever needed is right inside me.
I let go of 15 years worth of journals, keeping just 2 or 3 that still lifted me up inside.
And I felt the tremendous soaring lightness of letting go of my stories.
I let go of old photo albums, and kept a handful of photos.
Yes. Just the yes. There is no past. Just right now.
*
Along the way, I hear the chant:
“But I could never do that…”
“But you should keep them for your children…”
“But fuck that’s scary.”
*
I listen to the but’s.
And when I turn back inside,
this strong, alive woman in me says:
There is only right now. This feeling that you are feeling? It is worthy of being listened to. There is no regret. There is no fear of regret.
Just freedom. Let go.
*
So I do.
*
I file the papers for a new name, embracing my husband’s last name, the one that was destined for me.
I awake from a dream to be told my spirit’s middle name.
So I change that too.
I let go of our old bank, the one that has shitted me for years.
We step into one that feels right and true.
And a week ago, I let go of my whole painting collection.
Hold a spontaneous art sale on Facebook for a couple of hours, and donate the rest to the nursing home where my Great Aunty Lucy lived.
*
And it all feels like destiny.
When I call the nursing home to ask if I can donate, the conversation goes like this:
“Hi, I’m a local artist and I have a large collection of artworks I would like to donate if you are willing to receive them.”
“Oh… wow. Yes! We were just talking about how we needed more artworks, we are just about to open our new wing.”
“Oh! That sounds lovely!”
“Yes, Crystalbrook wing hasn’t got any artwork in it yet.”
“Oh… Crystalbrook is its name? How amazing. Crystalbrook is where I grew up!”
“Really? Well, it’s destiny then.”
And we both hung up the phone with little sparkling tears in our eyes.
*
It makes me happy to know that my artwork which I no longer need is blessing our town’s elders.
It makes me happy to know that my books which no longer serve me are serving someone else.
It makes me happy to have a name that feels right and true and good to me.
It makes me happy to not have old journals and albums littering my headspace.
It makes me happy that my mermaid locks are nourishing our flowers.
*
I am re-writing my story.
I am lighter. Freer. More present.
There is no loss.
No regret.
Only a tremendous sense of joy and ease.
*
All of these things?
The art of decluttering and letting go?
They take work.
Resolve. Commitment.
And a buttload of faith.
And yet, they are worth it.
Beyond compare.
*
And just as the ocean swirls in to fill the space left behind,
so does the universe.
In the last two weeks, I have had so many gifts,
so many visions of what’s next, so many moments of:
YES. I AM MEANT TO BE HERE.
*
The miracles that have rushed in to the space left behind.
Miracles of finding an angel mentor who is just-so-right-for-me.
Of a surprise phone call from a well known Australian musician wanting me to business-coach her. (That resulted in me crying big ole miracle sobs of happiness on my bed in the middle of the day!)
Of the fact Marissa arrives this week for our two week dreaming retreat.
Of everything falling into place. A new vision of who I am & where I am being called to next.
I feel clear. Conscious. Cleansed. Renewed.
*
There have been many moments when I’ve choked up as I tell my husband
“All the work I have been doing? It took so much hard work and courage and faith!!!
And yet the view from here? So worth it.
I feel like the universe is blessing me.
I am SO PROUD of me. SO PROUD. I did it, baby!”
And he smiles. He knows. He sees it too.
*
Without my hair/books/journals/art/stuff :: all the things that once served me but no longer do :: I am free.
FREE as a bird. Light and willing.
Racing and raring towards a vision of light.
*
I let go of who I was
in order to be who I am.
always love,
________
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