where there is night, there is also light. our suburb.
hola shining hearts,
tis me again.
Turning up with baked goods and lashings of cream/raw banana icecream.
Sharing stories of what gets me through the dark nights of the soul.
And getting to hear what gets you through yours.
Have you been reading the comments circles of the last two posts? Utter love, wisdom, grace and truth sharing live there. Thank you, dearest hearts!
Now… Please pass the sparkling raspberry water.
Time to share once more…
Stories to get you through dark nights of the soul…
Once upon a time, I became a mama to a little and beautiful baby girl. Nothing can quite prepare you for taking care of a newborn. It blows apart your heart like a dandelion in the wind. And there are moments that are sheer and translucent and utter miracles.
And there are other moments when you are sobbing over the sink at 2am as she wakes for the upteenth time that night.
One of this nights, sleep deprivation cut through me. I was sleep parched and desparate for a single hour that she didn’t need me. I was deep in grief for my old life, the one where my time and body and sleep belonged only to me. And god, was I angry that I had to do it. Angry and afraid that life was not going to be easy again.
The turnaround point came on one of these nights. I’d just managed to get her to sleep again, had run to use the toilet, only to hear her begin to cry again. I ran to wash my hands, sobbing. I looked into the mirror. My eyes had dark grey circles beneath them, and were red with exhaustion and tears.
I am exhausted. My life is over. Look at me. Just look at me. I want this to be over. I hate this. I love Ostara and I never want to give her up but I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want someone else to do this for me. This is too hard.
Then a voice said inside me:
Leonie, this moment only once. Ostara’s only going to need you this much just right now. Things will change. This moment only once.
The sad, hurting, tired part of me listened.
Okay. It will not be this hard again. I can do this then. Just this moment only once. It will change.
And I squared up my shoulders, and went back to our bedroom, took Starry out of Chris’ arms and into my own. I fed her again, and watched as she wafted off to sleep again.
That voice was right. I can do this. It will get easier. I just need to keep showing up.
And with that, I went back to sleep again.
And you know what? Slowly, slowly things did get easier. And guess what? Each moment really DID only happen once.
And now? Just a couple of months on?
Things ARE better. This mama gets as much sleep as she used to! Sure, it has a couple of breaks inbetween, but after newborn period, I feel like I got trained up for a marathon and now only have to do a few runs around the oval. It’s not like lounging pool-side in a banana chair, but still way easier!
So I guess what I’m saying is this:
No matter how suckful things are right now, the thing you know for absoloodely sure? Things will change. It’s like one of those universal laws or something.
This, I know for sure.
This moment, only once.
What about you dearest heart?
Stories and wisdom to share from dark nights of the soul?
Please share in our comments circle… We learn from each other’s journeys…
I love you with grace, faith, truth and joy,