Somedays I get so caught up in my head.
In comparing myself, in believing things that aren’t true, in disregarding and judging and being divisive and just generally feeling a lot of soul pain. So apart from myself and apart from My Self ~ that is ~ You. All of you. Every soul on this Earth, every breathing tree, every panting dog, every swelling sea. When I am hard on myself, or hard in my thoughts about any one of You ~ I feel soul pain, because I am apart from the Great Truth of our Divine and Lovely Oneness.
(Writing that, I see that apart is a-part, so any feeling of disconnection or away from is an illusion and not the Beauty Truth.)
I decided last night that I’d had enough. That I needed – somehow – to make new brain synapse pathways instead of driving the jeep down the rutted brain thought roads of Not Good Enough Street, I Am Unloved Circuit, I Am Unseen Driveway.
So I went to sleep with meditative music playing in my ear, imagining all the angels rushing to my side just to monitor my life source.
I wake up, and somehow I can’t quite fall as low as I did yesterday.
At lunch, a burly, beautiful man takes me on a walk. Past a sales bin, and there is a treasure calling my name. A gorgeous soft beanie cap (in the colour of “teal” as my New Best Friend At Work labelled it). Somehow, under its embrace, I feel safer, like my head is enveloped in Clouds of Gladness. It is my own little emblem of hope, an adornment on the altar of my body to symbolise who I am under the sky.
We move to the bookstore, and over and over books peek out at me from a woman with radiant grey eyes. She reminds me on one page that when we say we need to love ourselves more ~ it is not the truth. Because that makes the assumption is that Love is something we need to DO, and that we do not already Live in a State of Love.
I forget, sometimes, about that Love.
Please be gentle with me, World, when I forget that. It pains me just as much as you when I forget about Love. And I promise I will try to remember that we are ALL in this sway of forgetting and remembering about Ourselves and Love. Sometimes I think the crabbiest and most jaded amongst us are the ones keening for Love the most. May I always Love them.
Such small but huge things ~
a beanie, and a book,
to make things seem beautiful and My Own again.
As the sun set, I find myself giggling in the bedroom,
rolling about with a camera,
finding delight in my own gifts again.
I love you, just as I love myself, and I love what we are doing,
and I will have faith for Us as tiny as a seed and as mighty as an oak,
as much as I can from wherever I am.
With love, gentleness, magic and remembering to you ~