July 2010

Facebook updates from heaven and 12 other things…

by Leonie Dawson on July 29, 2010

1. Some moments I am filled with grace and faith and trust. Other moments I am sad sad sad, feeling like there is a Justin-shaped hole in the world.

2. You know what be awesome? If they could update Facebook from heaven. Can we start a Facebook group for that? And we all LIKE the dinger out of it?

How good would it be to get status updates from the rainbow side? Photos uploaded? A chat here or there? I’d even be down with hearing about their latest FarmVille escapades, ya know.

Surely it shouldn’t be that hard. Heaven must have wifi. They probably have ADSL3, the lucky buggers. Riding around on unicorns with gleaming white iPads.

We just need the Heaven-Earth connectivity app and we’d be right.

Who’s with me?

3. Having said that, I have been using Heaven-Earth dial-up (aka intuition) and I know he’s happy and that my brother is taking care of him. Thanks big bro! You are the bestest!

I also know that there’s more messages to come in time, and things will get a little clearer but for now, I’m keeping my heart filled with what I do know.

4. I also know I will forget again and lose my faith and that will be okay. I also also know that I’ll keep finding that faith and grace again, no matter how many times I lose it, because it’s all around me. It’s what is really true.

5. Three days until we move. Oh my goddess grace. I’m going home to the place I belong. I need it and it needs me. I’ve got grand plans and small plans. Plans of vegetable patches and a new timber fence. Plans of friends visiting. Plans of creating a retreat. Plans of finding the owners of the acreages at Crystalbrook Retreat. Plans of doing lightwork at the sacred places, and opening up some energy vortexes there. I was talking to my lovely friend Akiah the other day – and we had exactly the same places in mind that have vortexes!

And I know vortexes is a strange sci-fi kinda word. I don’t know what other word to use though. It’s when it feels like there is a big swirl of energy coming out of the ground. Have you ever felt that? What do you call them?

6. Which reminds me of the first retreat I ran. We were looking for a place to make a labyrinth at Ingelara Retreat, and all the goddesses headed off on their own into the bush to find the right spot. And every single one of them found a special place that had such different earth energy. There was one spot that made you giggle with joy, another spot that felt like it had very old ceremonial energy, another spot that made you feel like you were flying like an eagle. It was one of the most amazing afternoons I’ve ever experienced!

We ended up creating the labyrinth beneath an old mama tree. It felt very safe and healing.

7. The crystal labyrinth I created at Crystalbrook Retreat is next to a riverbed. My big sister found the energy centre for it. She likes to pretend sometimes that she’s not psychic, but THE SECRET IS OUT PEOPLE! She’s actually one of the most gifted seers I know.

8. Yes, I’m one of those pushy younger sister types. Hee!

9. Are you ready for photos and video tsunami from tropical paradise?

10. Last week I had a dream about what my Next Big Thing will be. And it is totally nutty but I am absolutely certain of it, right in my very soul of soul. I have a clear vision of it – so I know that’s what I need to do. I glow when I think about it. I’ll be opening it up as soon as we are settled in Proserpine and I can make sure I can take care of everyone properly. Glowing. Like a beacon. Thrilled. In the very bestest of ways. I think you might really, really love this.

11. Starry is asleep beside me as I type this on my little iTouch. My love is next to her, reading a book on writing. I am truly blessed. Thank you Great Spirit.

12. Wherever we go, we leave magic chunks and love glitter in our trail…

13. There’s life in all of this. In all its splendidness. In the grief and the gladness. In the loss and in the gift. In creating and dreaming. In energy spaces and family. All of it. May I give thanks…

And most importantly, thank you for YOU. This goddess tribe? It’s the dearest circle of teachers, sisters, kindred spirits, muses and friends I could ever ask for.

Thank you for always reminding me of my wings.

Thank you for always showing me yours.

Love,


Attack of the Panics

by Leonie Dawson on July 28, 2010

Hola scrumptious hearts,

Thank you from my heart to yours for all the love, support, sharing, and kindred-spiritness about walking this grief journey. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I don’t know how to share just how much I am blessed and grateful that I share this goddess journey with you all. A thousand goddess sisters, all lifting each other up.

Last night, I had a dream I was in Jerusalem with Justin and a group of friends. We were eating gluten free pizza and raspberry smoothies, and checking out archaeological digs.

This morning, I remembered a funny thing that happened a couple of weeks ago. It makes so much sense now… I kept having dreams about my darling friend DB – he was my closest friend as a teenager. He was always like a little brother to me – just like JC was to Chris. Anyways, I kept dreaming of DB, and each time I would wake up and a voice would say: Tell DB you love him! I kept ignoring it. I didn’t want to be one of those crazy hippies sending soppy emails (ha!) But then the voice said to me: You’re going to kick yourself if DB leaves the planet and you don’t tell him you love him. So I did. And it was really beautiful. And then JC left. Bugger. SO CLOSE, intuition. SO CLOSE. Aaah well – what can I do but trust it was all perfect anyway?

I wrote the below the day before Justin passed away. It makes more sense now more than ever.

***

Over the last few weeks, I could feel the long fingers of panic creeping back into my life. First with little moments of breathlessness. Then a vague feeling of strain looping around my chest. Until it became The Great Unignorable, stopping me in my tracks with a gaping hole in my solar plexus and rasping breaths.

Hello, dear panic attacks. You are here again.

It’s understandable of course. My mind is a kind big sister to my nervous system:

But of course you feel like this dearest! You just became a mama and you are working how to care for a babe AND you are in the middle of selling your house just as the market went a bit down and your first buyers pulled out and your second ones still haven’t signed the contracts but hopefully should be right this very moment AND you are moving AND mr hottie has quit his job to move AND you worry about your business like all business owners do. And have I mentioned you just became a mama? It’s utterly understandable for you to feel this way.

Thanks big sister mind! You rock!

So I stopped ignoring it.

What do you need, dearest heart?

I need walks at dusk. I need long slow breaths. I need to feel like I’m not the headless running chook. And I need energy put back into me again. I need some healing and restoration.

So I went to see my lovely blue eyed acupuncturist this morning. It’s funny how different life is BB and AB. Before Babe and After Babe). AB meant an acupuncture appointment for me was an orchestrated event like a ballet consisting of sitting in the back seat with Starry while we drove there to sing Eency Weency Spider (she’s still not a fan of car rides), getting there early enough to feed her again, talking to the acupuncturist while cooing at her, mr soul hunk taking her for a walk while I got acupuncture only to return ten minutes later with an unsettled little mermaid, then for the thrilling overture, him hovering lil mermaid over my un-needled boob to feed her while I pissed myself laughing. Aaaah, mamahood, you really do teach me how to be strong, zen and laughing!

So between the intricate baby balleting, Lovely Acupuncture Man told me all the things I was experiencing were from a depleted system after a year of pregnancy, birthing and breastfeeding. It makes sense really. Mamas are amazing creator creatures… We really do need to top up our energy levels. Acupuncture dude also suggested some not-so-delicious herbs to restore my system, which I readily agreed to. What I’ve learned since becoming a mama is that my own health (and mood) is crazy important to keeping our lil family floating along beautifully. So any investment I can make in keeping me healthy and radiant is really damn worth it. That’s what I say anyway!

Then today we had sacred synchronicity play into our lives. We were guided to a mall, and ran into a lovely angel friend who I circled with a few years ago. She’s an amazing mama, and we ended up eating pies together with our three and a half fairy children (she’s getting ready to welcome another little empress in her life! SO beautiful!)

It was just the balm I needed. We talked about all the good things: mamahood, birthing, bushflower essences, red tents and women circles. I could feel Chris beside me grinning. It was just like old times – talking about life and spirit interwoven. We felt like our old selves – just this time with a four month old mermaid sitting on us, eating paper as the bigger kids drew pictures of lions.

Aaaahhhh… Our old selves… We’ve missed you! As much as we’ve grown, we still haven’t quite integrated our old spirit-talking ways back into our lives fully. Does that make sense? When me and hunky do talk, it’s a rush to talk about feelings and moving and new parenthood. We don’t get to share as deeply about our spirits as we used to. I know things will change again – they always do. It was just so precious to be talking our talk again today.

My panic attacks have ebbed away again. I’ve promised myself good self care… Rejuvenating myself with soul tonics: Australian Bushflower Essences in Calm & Clear and Emergency mixes. Sleep. Green smoothies. Gentle talks with my love. Multivitamins. Stopping having Perfect Parenting rules on myself, and giving myself a bit of slack, a bit of space, a bit of kindness.

Just the remedies this mama needs…

What about you dearest heart? What are your soul tonics? How do you heal panic attacks?


I love you I love you I love you,

There you are dear, right inside me…

by Leonie Dawson on July 26, 2010

Last night, we heard my love’s dearest friend had made his rainbow journey. He died in his sleep on the morning on his birthday, cause unknown.

He was one of the most kind hearted, sensitive, giving souls I’ve been blessed to know. He wore his heart on his sleeve. When I looked at him, I could see the sweetest little boy inside him.

I don’t know why I say was, because the real truth is, he still is. He still is one of the most kind hearted, sensitive, giving souls I know.

I’ve been crying today, walking the grief journey beside my love.

As much as I miss that green-eyed, guitar-playing boy, I have to keep remembering -  we haven’t really lost him. He’s not really gone, do you know what I mean?

My big brother teaches me so much still from the other side of the rainbow journey. When my brother died, I didn’t lose him. He didn’t disappear. He just stopped using that body of his. He’s still my brother. We still have a relationship. We still talk and laugh. He guides me. He’s just my correspondent from the rainbow journey side.

I’m grieving Justin’s physical presence. I’m grieving that I won’t see him physically at our wedding. But that’s because I’m only looking with shallow eyes.

If I peer into the dim of the tipi, across the haze of the fire smoke, I will see him.

He will be sitting there, green eyes shining, face lit up, light and heart shining like it always does. He’ll be at our wedding, grinning wildly, celebrating madly, telling everyone he loves them like he always does.

If only I look properly, I will truly see what is there in front of us.

Aah, life, you beautiful thing, you have so much to teach me.

This morning my love took us to the river. The wind was ice-speckled from the alpine mountains, and I wrapped Ostara closer to me. He handed me a white blossom, and we threw them as blessings and messages into the water for our dear friend.

I asked for the angels and my brother to surround us, and to see a little door into the rainbow side. For a moment, the door opened. The light shone off the river like a chandalier, and I heard a song as loud and joyful as fairyfolk would make, and I saw Justin, and he was happy. And in my heart of heart and spirit of spirits, I knew he was okay. He was better than okay. He was divine, just like you and me. Things never end, they just change.

Then the moment ended and the door closed, and I blinked my eyes, and I cried my human grief again.

I looked up, and there was a plane above us, nose pointed heavenward, a streak of angel white dancing across the sky from behind it. An upside down Hayley’s Comet, if you will. A reverse shooting star. I touched Chris’ arm, and we both looked up, smiling at our friend.

Things never end, they just change.

I don’t know why so many souls are leaving the world right now.

But I do know if we listen closely enough, and keep our faith deep, and our hearts wide open, we will see the real truth:

We are swimming in an ocean of love.

Sometimes we just forget it – just as the fish forgets it is surrounded by water.

They aren’t leaving us.

They are just changing form.

They are teaching us.

They are helping us remember.

They are opening our hearts.

Our hearts are cracking open, and it’s letting all the light inside.

That might sound blaze, but I’m standing here, typing to you with wet eyes, and a broken heart that is tender and sore and split open…

and all I can still feel and see is the love.

*

We love you Justin.

And if I ever think we’ve ever lost you, please remind me to see you as you are:

in the trees, in the drops of river light, in laughter and in song.

You are in our hearts, in every sense of the word.

There you are.

Right here.


love so big i cannot possibly contain it,

P.S. I don’t know how to tell you that YOU ARE SO LOVED. YOU ARE SO LOVED. YOU ARE SO LOVED.

Please remember this in every aching moment. Loved by SO many and SO much. More than you could possibly contain.