h e l d

my little sister and me…

i’ve been away,
and i’m off again, this time on a goddess retreat for six days.
here’s where I’ve been, and here’s where I will be:

wrapped up in safe arms.

i’ve been with my tribe of those who look like me, and it has moved me profoundly. i’m going to be with a tribe of women, most of whom i haven’t met before.

i’m leaving this space open for it to be whatever it needs to be.

and i’ll leave you with a gem sent to me by my dear friend sarah, when i was struggling with ALLOWING things to be…

Let Go
Inhale / Exhale
Not Perfect

in bright and dear blessings,
from love and returning to love,

Interview with a friend

My dear friend Donna gave me the idea of taking some time out, and doing some interviews on my blog. Divine timing as always. Gentleness is Leonie’s key word lately. Chris pulled a card of Keri Smith’s 100 Things to Do a few days ago. The answer: Do Nothing. Good advice.

I’m flying off to be with my family for a few days. Feel free to read the below interview over and over again. You’ll get something different out of it each time.

My first “interview with a friend” is with my dear friend Dave.
Someone asked me to describe him and my response was this ~
He is a nordic prince on a journey of self discovery.

* What is your understanding of “joy is an option”?

You don’t actually need any external conditions to be happy. Some people take this to an extreme by maintaining an ascetic lifestyle to prove their happiness is not attached to their material conditions. I don’t believe this is necessary; you can be happy as a millionaire or a pauper, with many friends or with none, it all depends on YOU. Money can corrupt, poverty can lead to despair, friends can become enemies and loneliness can cause misery, but just because they CAN doesn’t mean they MUST. No matter what your conditions, you are capable of joy. It is a decision each person makes, and masked beneath their concious impediments – “I will be happy once ” – is an understanding of the all-encompassing and divine nature of our minds. If these concious impediments are allowed to melt away, joy radiates through. It is not a fire we need to stoke, it is an inner radiance from which we only need remove the clouds shrouding it.

* Startrooper Dave, what is your mission here on earth?

To inform the universe’s internal discource by experiencing that which is unique to the David Jorm perspective. I guess, put another way, it is to improve the conditions of the whole world by being me. The world is a better place for me being here. My mission is to make it as much better as I possibly can.

* Your life is infinitely creative. Tell me how…

My biggest creative outlet is writing software. To most people this is not a creative process, but it really can be. Sometimes I like to reflect on the world as a gigantic interconnected set of cogs, and a few of those cogs are ones I created at the keyboard. It is like being able to create something which influences the physical world without being a part of it; some ephemeral and inconstituent force which acts upon things but is invisible to them. Maybe I have a god complex 🙂

* What is your understanding of a “tummy smile”?

When you smile so deeply and earnestly it radiates out every pore of your body. It’s like you’re a little model made up of spherical smiley faces and your tummy is one of those spheres.

* What is your BIGGEST dream you dare to dream?

That I can do and be absolutely anything. That is the ultimate dream I suppose, to realise that whatever mental barriers I setup to what I want to do or be are entirely illusory. It is easier said than done, but if you mock your own barriers frequently enough, they start to stop coming back for punishment.

* Tell me five reasons you love you…

1. I never cease to amaze myself with what I can do, no matter how much I doubt myself.
2. I like to do good deeds in secret and if something unpleasant needs to be done, do it openly to someone’s face. I think that is totally cool.
3. I have no fear of speaking to a crowd. If anything, the crowd feeds me. I don’t know why I love that about me, but I do. Meekness is overrated.
4. I have forged my own path in the world and I have no fear to be me, no matter what anyone else says or thinks.
5. My cat loves me. There is no higher endorsement.

* What always makes you laugh?

Bubbles, realising something unfortunately befalling me is so miniscule in the scheme of things it is hilarious, witty satire and someone blowing milk out their nose. This made me think of a time I went camping with a borrowed tent. We tried to pitch the tent only to realise we were given the wrong poles – half the required length. The tent formed a dome about 20cms off the ground. My companion was very upset, but I didn’t stop laughing all night.

rainbow journey

thank you for all of your love and good thoughts.

my uncle passed away this morning surrounded with love.

i talked to my mum, she has been so grateful that she could spend the last few days of his life with him. she sat with him and his son and daughter, and they all shared their stories of his life. they laughed a lot, cried a little. they teased him that next time he came back he would be a big vegetarian (he loves eating meat). he spoke a little about what he wished he had done differently, so they all sang frank sinatra “regrets” to him. he said he was a very lucky man. he was very much at peace when he died.

i just went and sat in the paddock. made a little altar with my tiny copper buddha, some crystals and some sacred incense i got when i was in malaysia. then i went and walked around with the ibis birds for a while. i found myself standing in a huge circle of their feathers. there was dozens of them. it was special.

and i was just thinking how i wanted to send rainbow thoughts out
to touch him on his journey,
and to all of my family… my mum, my granny, my cousins, my siblings ~~~
and i went outside and took this photo, and didn’t even see until i put it on the computer…

can you see it?
the smiling rainbow?

(off to nap and be gentle… there is still a bit of pain in the peace…)

life is all of this

i found out yesterday that
my mother’s brother is dying.
the last man in the tribe.

my mother left me a message
as she flew to his side.

i am in some shock.
i never expected the next to be him.

his wife died three months ago.
she couldn’t bear cancer anymore.
i don’t think he can bear to fight this alone.

i feel like this has opened a well of sadness in me.
this isn’t just grief for him,
it is the grief for everyone who has gone before him
my grandad, my uncle, my brother, my step-grandad, my grandmother.
last night i fell asleep in pain and tears.

grief is a funny thing.
i said to chris as he held me softly:
the thing with grief is, you can’t change the situation,
and you can’t “work through it” like any other sadness.
you just have to sit with it, let it swill through you, and sift back into the ocean again in time.
the insights and blessings will come in time, but for now it is sometimes sadness and sometimes gladness.

last night i went to womens circle and i wept as i smudged myself with burning sage.
i painted a soft picture of my uterus.
i shared about my cyclone dream from the night before:
how a storm raged through my life, fused with extraordinary and strange happenings,
and i realised that it was the other strings of reality becoming visible and interwoven.
at the circle, i was given a small gift of a tiny copper laughing buddha. it reminds me so much of my uncle, ruddy man that he is, except he is smiling much more and saying to me: i’m going home leonie. and i realised that my uncle is buddha. we all are buddha. but soon, he will remember it and know it.

i talked to my sister tonight. she said:
you know, yesterday i cleaned my car for the first time since i bought it. and it felt so good just to do that, feeling the way i did.
i laughed. my sister and i, how connected we are.
i told her how yesterday i washed the dishes for the first time in a long time. and it felt so good, just to do that, feeling the way i did.

there is duality in my seeing,
i am living both in the spirit world of knowing it will be and is okay,
and in the human world of feeling sadness and grief.

i have crystals around me,
a copper buddha laughing with me,
a cyclone blows gently through me,
a grief well,
and a growing knowing.

i love you uncle alan. blessed be your journey.

love always, love is where i came, and how i journey, and where i return,

The little things?
The little moments?
They aren’t little
~ Jon Kabat-Zinn