Birth Story of Ostara – Part Three


(Warning before you read ahead: there are photos of me in labour. I’ve covered up all the exciting parts with flowers (no, literally) but if you would rather not see a flower adorned birthing goddess, please skip the post. Mmmkay? We good? Big love you!)

Part One of Ostara’s Birth Story here.

Part Two of Ostara’s Birth Story here.

Dearest Ostara,

The morning of March 24 dawned. We drove slowly to the hospital, calm and quiet. Over the past few months we had been driving all the different routes to the hospital, trying to work out which would be quickest when I was in labour. I had imagined staying at home until final stages of labour, then driving to the Birth Centre on all fours on the back seat. I had hoped the twenty minute drive would not be too painful in labour. I had thought it would be an intense time – driven only by the timing of my body and birth. But here we were, driving to the hospital, as quiet as a lake’s surface, your birth by appointment.

Ellanita, my spiritual mentor and Rachel, our doula, met us there.

I wore my favourite green Peace*Love*Happiness t-shirt, a stretchy black skirt. Around my neck I carried my buffalo necklace – a piece of metal art my dear friend Deb had bought from me, a crystal heart your Daddy gave to me, and a simple crystal necklace that Pixie had commissioned Lauren to make to support your birth.

I decided that although your birth might have not been in my plans, I was going to make it my own. I was going to own it and make it as magical, loving and joyful as possible. Oh yes.

We met our Birth Centre midwife at the delivery suite. She was not the midwife we had seen through your pregnancy. She was not the midwife we were hoping for. But there she was. I could only trust she was the one who had to be there. Great Spirit guides everything.

We were blessed to be able to use a Birth Centre midwife at the delivery ward, instead of the rotating shift of midwives who we didn’t know and weren’t solely dedicated to our birth.

I also felt that you and me were protected by our holy trifecta of your daddy, our doula and my spirit mentor. I felt safe between them, and that is all that was needed.

And I knew there were thousands of other souls who were there supporting, witnessing, holding the space filled with light for your birth. Our ancestors, our angels and guides, your angels and guides, the tribe of goddesses surrounding my website, our families and friends, your Daddy’s family caretakers. That horseshoe of glowing light and luminous love guiding you down out of the stars riding my darling horse Rebble.

We were taken to Delivery Suite 7, my favourite number. And something as small and insignificant as that let me know we were in the right place.

We were right in our intuition about you needing extra help to arrive. Even if we had planned a homebirth, you would still have been born in Delivery Suite 7, Canberra Hospital.

The morning was still bright and fresh and new. I was excited that this would be the day I held you in my arms instead of the cusp of my belly.

We brought bags of things we might need. Crystals, herbs, statues, shawls, crystal essences, lavendar scented heat packs, books, CDs of drums, meditations, song. All the tools I thought I might need.

I smiled as the midwife hooked me up to the induction drip, the long metal stand that would become my companion for the rest of the day. One of the midwives remarked jokingly:

I hope you’ll still be this smiley when you give birth.

I bet I can,

I thought to myself. I like a challenge. As you know, my dearest daughter, I like doing things my way. I like making things funtastic and glitterliscious and heartsoaked.


That day, your birthing day, I renamed everything. That day, I called the hospital The Happy Place of Healing. Induction became Magical Love In~Juicement (as the induction medication is syntocinin – a synthetic version of oxytocin, the love hormone).

After being hooked up to the Magical Love In~Juicement Machine, the midwife sent us on a walk. Ellanita, your Daddy and I went to eat some breakfast. I grinned widely at everyone we passed – I must have looked like such a gorgeous sight – fully pregnacious goddess, walking with her Love Machine, off to have two hash browns and an orange juice in the morning sunlight. Everything is still that quiet stillness. Ellanita gives us a beautiful birthing day present – a heart shaped clear crystal from her homelands in Austria. The crystal throws rainbows around the room. Perfect. A rainbow for you, my rainbow light.

We walk back, and the midwife turns up the Love on the Love Machine. She sends us for another walk, telling me she wants to see me in labour when I am back.

We walk outside, and this time feels different. I start feeling waves of hot energy washing over me. With each one, streams of water start flowing between my legs. I think about walking over to the field nearby, but instead position myself with my back against a tree. With each rush, I push deeper against the tree, letting it hold me up and earth the pain. I look up at the leaves and sky, breathing deeply, marvelling at how quickly things were now starting. It was about 9:00 am. With each rush of energy, I breathe deeply, grounding myself.

Very quickly, I go from being happy to being out under the sky amongst people to wanting a dark cave to curl up in.

When I can speak, I tell my three amigos:

I need to go back to the room.

Someone asks me if I am sure, but I’m already heading for the lift. One contraction on the way to the lift. Two in the lift. It takes another five to get out of the lift and walk to the room. With each one I close my eyes, stop moving, breathe deeply.

We get back to our room, and I strip out of my clothes. My skirt and boxers were soaked through from your mermaid home opening up to the world, readying you for your next journey.

In the next set of contractions, I find myself kneeling on the floor. I moan deeply, moving my hips, pushing my head into your Daddy’s lap. With each set, I move around, trying to find a comfortable place. My amigos gather around me, trying to help, massaging my limbs, fanning me.


It might sound like this all happened very quickly, and it did. From zero to full contractions in the space of twenty minutes – maybe less, maybe more. In labour-land, time makes no sense for the birthing mama. An hour can be a moment, a moment can be an hour.

I realise quickly that if I keep moving around, groaning, trying to escape the pain that I was going to get tired very quickly. At a very distinct moment, I heard myself tell myself:

This is it Leonie. Time to use CalmBirth.

Between contractions I got up and lay on the bed on my side. I became as still as possible and began my calm breaths (breathing in through my nose for four seconds, breathing out through my nose for five). It felt more manageable, but only slightly. I stayed on the bed for some time, until our midwife decided she wanted me to have a long hot shower to try and speed up labour.

I didn’t want to move, but after some coaxing moved into the shower. I think. I must tell you, dearest Ostara, at some point during that day, I checked out of conscious, logical thought. Even the day after it happened, I told your Daddy how lucky I was that a part of it had only lasted a few minutes. And he looked at me with wide eyes and said

honey, that went for houuurs.

So I may not remember all the story, how long it went, what happened sequentially. I can only tell you dearest daughter what it felt like for me to give birth to you.

The shower was a relief for me in some ways. The Magical Love Injuicement meant I had to have Barry the Love Machine attached to me constantly. It also meant you had to be monitored. Monitor devices were strapped to my belly and hooked up to another machine that constantly beeped. (Remember the beeping machine from Pixie’s vision?) As much as I tried to love everything, I did not love that beeping machine. It restricted my movement, its beeps invaded my peace. I spent most of my labour hiding from it as much as I could. I discovered the shower was one place. The toilet was another.

After the shower, Rachel helped me move around, swaying my hips. Eventually, I found the birth ball and discovered if I sat on it just so, I could move my hips just so to help move though each contraction. I found a breathing pace that worked for me – instead of using the CalmBirth breath, I used the HypnoBirthing breath – I breathed in through my nose for four, and breathed out, counting backwards from eight to one. I noticed it would take me three of those breaths to get through each contraction.


I tried opening my eyes and talking between contractions, but soon realised I needed to keep breathing and meditating between contractions so I was already relaxed for the next one.

I closed my eyes, and kept them closed for the next seven hours. As your Daddy said to me:

You left the room that day. It was like there was no Leonie, I didn’t have my girlfriend. But the instant Ostara was born, you were back in the room again, laughing and talking and normal like you had never left.

There was many things I thought I would be like, or like, in labour. I thought I would like music, touch, using my crystals. Instead, I became a sitting monk. A birthing buddha. Just me on my birthing ball. It took all of my energy to sit through each contraction, to not run away from the pain, complain, or freak out. My method was simple: be.

I didn’t want your Dad to touch me – or anyone. It took too much of my attention away from being where I was. I didn’t seek relief – I knew it would take too much of my energy away from being present. Any relief I may have found through heat or massage would have been too small. It would have distracted me from my Very Important Task of Breathing.

I didn’t speak anymore. I would motion with my finger when I wanted some water and one of my three amigos would jump up and put a straw in my mouth with a cup of cold, refreshing water.

My dearest daughter, I hope I’m not making birth sound easy. That meditation was easy. It wasn’t. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. It took every ounce of my strength, courage and strong-mindedness. For me, birth was a vision quest, an initiation. I needed to go to that place to return as your mama.

Your Daddy, Rachel and Ellanita were the three best birth amigos I could have ever asked for. As your Daddy said later:

We just had the perfect people there. It was exactly what we needed.

Your Daddy was strong and calm like a river stone. I have never seen him so wholely devoted to holding the space, being present and being there for you and me.

Rachel was our birth guardian. She watched me attentively, checking in that I was in the right head-space and right body for you to be born. She aligned her energy with mine so I never felt we were separate – just that she was there, she was a woman sister, and she understood what I needed.

And Ellanita – with her joyful heart and wise spirit and her elder energy. I felt safe with her there – that everything would be okay, everything would be sacred because she was there. She turned up to the hospital in purple and red to celebrate your birthing day. She is an Aries girl like you – she said:

I am wearing red for us fire spirits! We Aries girls, we like to have fun!

And then she laughed that beautiful, melodic laugh of hers.


I am reminded of her words often since then. You Aries girls do like to have fun – I see it in your spark and your smile and the way you shimmer when I look in your eyes and make you laugh.

So while your mama was being a birthing Buddha, our three birthing amigos would sit, watch, witness, hold the space. They watched me so attentively that they could fulfil all my needs without me speaking. And in a way, they held the space for each other too. I don’t think it would be easy to watch someone in labour, their energy so intensely focussed inward. They would take turns to go on breaks, walking out into the sunshine, breathing fresh air and returning anew. At least, that’s what your Daddy told me later. I had no idea. I was so immersed in breathing that I didn’t hear.

At around 2pm, our midwife checked how we were progressing. I was 2cm dilated. Another midwife told me later they thought I would be in for a long night of labour. I didn’t know. And I don’t even remember being told I was 2cm – if the midwife had told me it could take a long time more, I might have given up.

Just keep breathing.

This breathing thing? It started around 9am. It finished at 6pm. The longest, most intense meditation I have ever done.

I breathed you into this world.

By the afternoon, it was getting harder and harder to stay on top of the contractions. It seemed I was only getting a few long breaths before contractions started again. I kept feeling like I really needed to do a poo. All during my pregnancy, I turned from being the World’s Champion Pooper to Constipation-City. And now it felt like nine months of poop was stuffed between my butt and my abdomen. The feeling lasted for hours. I kept thinking to myself:

Birthing a baby is going to be easy! All I need is to get this poo out! I want this poo out!

At some point, I told Rachel that I REALLY NEEDED TO POO, and she unhooked me from Mr Beepy and led me into the bathroom, turning off the lights and leaving me have some Cave Time in there. I stayed there for a long time – something about the dark and the way I could sit on that toilet brought me enough relief to get through. It was getting harder and harder to manage. I remember clearly getting up, washing my hands and staring into the mirror.

This is hard work. I want to escape. Please someone take this pain away. I just want five minutes to regroup. I just want a break. I know now why women get epidurals. I wish I could have a Caesarean. I want to escape.


I get out of the bathroom. Two more contractions as I walk back to my birthing ball. I find Rachel through half closed eyes and hold on to her arms as I have another contraction.

I whisper to her

I can’t do this anymore. It’s too hard.

She looked into my eyes, and said firmly, gently:

You can do this. You already are doing it.

Good answer.


Just this morning I found a big white piece of paper I had written on during our CalmBirth workshop. Up the top, it has in big letters BIRTH PLAN. And then there is only one dot point below it – no pain medication. I had meant to finish writing that birth plan, and add many more birth things I wanted: a water birth, a Birth Centre birth, no episiotomy, no caesarean, dim lights, music… But maybe I did finish that birth plan. Because what I had on that sheet of paper was the one thing that happened.

Although I dreamed about escaping, although I wanted a Caesarean, although I utterly wanted the pain to end, I didn’t think at any time that I should have pain medication. It didn’t enter my mind that I should ask. It was never offered. I don’t know why I didn’t ask. I just didn’t think it was an option. I had been so adamant during pregnancy that I wouldn’t take pain medication that I closed my ears whenever it was mentioned. I just stayed on that path of breathing.

Another contraction pulls me to my knees and my brown furrows. As soon as I stop doing my breathing, the contractions are more painful. When I complain, the contractions are more painful.

I learned many things from your birth, dearest Ostara. And this was the biggest.

Breathing made contractions better. Complaining made contractions worse. Complaining took me out of the present moment and made me hold on to pain for longer.

And if not complaining, and using breath can help me move through something as big as childbirth, then the same principles must hold true in living my life. The path of not complaining & deep breathing makes things easier.

So back in to deep meditation and breath-watching I went. It was the only place I could go.

Ellanita asked me later:

Where did you go in labour? I’ve never seen someone do that in labour before.

And I wished I could have said I went to a land of glitter ponies and yellow ducks and tipis and ancient spirit beings and fairy floss. Instead, my answer was this:

My breath. I went into my breath.

Back on to the birthing ball I went. Back into my breathing in for four, out for eight.

Time passes.

Still, intense.

I escape back to the toilet again, still desparate to get rid of The World’s Biggest Poo. This time, my mission is successful and I emerge from the toilet cave feeling somewhat triumphant.

Things are starting to feel different now. Back on the birthing ball, I start pushing down with each contraction, and letting out a low, deep moan. The moan is less from pain now, and more energy moving down down down.


Remembering that feeling now brings tears to my eyes and a smile to my face. I liked that feeling, that pushing down. I felt powerful and in control for the first time during labour.

The shadows are lengthening through the windows now. Between contractions, I find I don’t need to concentrate anymore. I open my eyes. Rachel and Ellanita are sitting in front of me, smiling.

Things feel different now.

I say.

Can you please tell me how far along I am and how long this is going to take?

Rachel smiles more.

I can’t tell you unless we do another vaginal examination. And I don’t know how long this will take. But things are heading in the right direction – you can feel that can’t you?

I nod. It’s not the answer I want – I want numbers and results and a timeframe. But birth teaches you that all of life is in the Great Mystery. We can never really know, we can only trust and have faith that we are heading in the right direction.

Soon, the bearing down feeling becomes stronger. Your Daddy comes back into the room, and I drop onto all fours on the floor. Your Daddy crouches by my head, Ellanita sits behind me massaging my lower back, Rachel sits beside me, encouraging me. It feels intimate and right and good there, on the floor, in the softening dusk.

Suddenly, I lose a clot of blood. I look down, wide-eyed.

Is that supposed to happen?

I ask.

Rachel smiles.

Yes. That means your baby is on the way. Why don’t you see if you can feel her?

I am in shock.

A baby? I am having a baby? You are near? The moment has finally come?

I check, but I can’t feel your head yet.

Dearest Ostara, I am putting off writing this final bit. Because then your birth story will be finished, and I don’t want it to be so final, so done. I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want to forget it. I fear that if I finish writing this, it is no longer alive, changeable, twisting and turning. I fear that my words are not enough, that they don’t share the truth of what it was like to birth you. Here you are my little girl, sleeping and nursing in my arms as I write this. You are three months old, and everyday you become even more beautiful and luminous in ways I could not have dreamed possible. I try to be the best mama I can be. I want your life’s journey to be filled with strong, good love. With magic and possibility. With the love and healing of Mama Earth, Father Sky, Grandmother Moon, Brother Trees and Sister Animals. I want you to have the faith, joy and tools to move through and awaken when things are challenging. And most of all, I want to help you see this world is beautiful and such a blessing to be in.

Here we are my daughter. How can I possibly share the intensity, the magic, the cyclone, the tenderness that was your entry into the world?

I know you lived it too. This is only my story. You have your own of making your own winding way between my hips and out into the night air.

I will do my best, dearest daughter.

Our midwife came back into the room.

Looks like we have a baby on the way,

Rachel tells her.

I can’t tell you how deep, delicious and surprising it was to hear those words again, my dearest daughter. They carried with them the scent that our lives were changing in that very room.

Our midwife is surprised. She moves us over on the floor so she can begin preparing.

I feel strong and confident and powerful. This pushing part? It is easy! A celebration! It feels natural and true and right.

Our midwife decides she needs us on the bed. I want to stay on the floor, but at the same time, I don’t care. I only know you are coming and that I can do this.

On the bed, I stay on all fours, letting out deep moans with each rush to help you down. I can feel you coming through my hips, and my body is strong and knows what to do. It instinctively opens my hips out as wide as possible.

Our midwife tells me she has asked another midwife to be there. A woman doctor turns up to observe (as is hospital policy). I don’t care. You are coming. That is all that matters.

The other midwife comes to the head of the bed, tilting the bed up so I can look directly into her face.

I look into her eyes, and I am surprised. She has wild auburn hair and amber eyes. She is strong and intense and a goddess. I name her Hera in my head. I know she is meant to be there.

Leonie, I am here to help you. You can do this. Your baby is coming. Let’s get her out.

Your Daddy is standing by my left shoulder. I feel his hand on me, cool and loving. I feel like we are one.

I am in my element now. With each contraction, I moan deeper and push and let my body do what it needs.

The delivery suites that night were full. Every bed was taken up with women birthing new souls. In the room next to me, I could hear another goddess giving birth to her baby, singing the same deep song I was.

I sent her a silent message through the labouring air:

I am here with you sister. We can do this. I hear you. I know. We can give birth to your babies.

Things were moving quickly, and I know in this instance my time-memory is right. In my maternity record, the time is recorded: Third stage of labour – 21 minutes.

The midwife is still having to monitor you. Syntocinin can make baby’s heart rate drop in the final stages of birth.

And just as I wrote this, you woke up, crying in my arms. You never do this.

I wonder if you are remembering it.

I hold you and kiss you and tell you everything is okay, that you are loved, you are safe, you are held, that you are taken care of by a thousand angels. You are here now.

The midwife was finding it difficult to hear your heartbeat as you moved down through my hips. There is action around me as everyone tries to get the monitor to work.

I don’t care. I know you are fine. I am not concerned. In my heart, you are safe.

The midwife says:

Leonie, baby’s heartrate is dropping. We need her out now. I’m going to give you an episiotomy.


I say.

I know she is okay.

I know you are coming, and you are fine.

Fine, you have two more pushes to get her out, otherwise we will give you an episiotomy.

says the midwife.

Hera says:

Leonie, we want baby here.

We wait for the next contraction, and I push with all my heart and soul and body.

We wait for another contraction, and I do the same again, pushing until long after the contraction has ended.

Your head is still just emerging.

Our midwife says:

Leonie, let’s get baby out now.

I trust and know you are fine, but I say yes.

I say yes to you.

They move me onto my side, and your Daddy holds my leg.

The midwife gives me an episiotomy, and I don’t feel a thing. I don’t care.

I keep saying that – that I didn’t care – and I really didn’t.

I didn’t care about a thing but you. Anything that had to happen to bring you here – I didn’t care. All I wanted was you. I gave myself over for you. That was the gift I wanted to give you – and the gift you gave me. I let go of myself, and let God.

The world started and ended with you.

The next rush came over me,

and in that instant, you washed into the world, riding on an ocean wave.

In that instant, you were born.

Your Daddy caught you in his hands, and I turned onto my back in one movement, bending down, reaching for you.

Your Daddy gave you to me, and I brought you up to my belly.

You are here,

I thought.

You are here.

You gave one big cry to say hello to the world, then was quiet. Your eyes were wide and blue and open, taking in the world.


You were beautiful beyond compare.

There you are. My daughter. You are here. You feel so new, and yet so familiar.

I heard the word Avalon. I knew that is where you were from, and that I needed to include that in your name. That it was yours.


Your Daddy cried happy tears for the first time in his life, and I could only smile.

From the moment you appeared as two lines on a pregnancy test, to the moment you appeared in my arms, my only thought was this:

She is here. My daughter has come for me.

And so you had.

It was 6:14pm. You weighed 6 pounds 14.

I held you for a long, long time. Until you had your first feed. While I lucked out and had the Professor of the Hospital do what we called “Vagina Embroidery.”

And I didn’t care about the Embroidery. It was all so small, so nothing, so insignificant, compared to you.

You are more than the ecstasy, the episiotomy, the birds, the beeping machine, the oceans, the induction, the stars, and everything in between.


Just to have you. Just to hold you.

Your Daddy held you as the midwife washed meconium from you, and you began to cry. But then your Daddy started talking to you, and you stopped crying and turned to see your Daddy’s face. And the whole room went quiet. We felt like we were witnessing a miracle… the miracle of a daughter remembering her Daddy for the first time.

He loves you so, dearest Starry.

We all do.


My darling Ostara Light, one day you too might give birth to your own son or daughter. I want you to know that by hook or by crook, however your child comes in to this world is the way they needed to be born. You may have a water birth, an induction, a caesarean, an orgasmic birth, an assisted delivery, an active birth, a vaginal birth, an episiotomy, an epidural, an ecstatic birth. And they are all equal dearest, because they are all still the act of birth. Your babe’s birth will be an initiation, and you will emerge the warrior mama goddess they need. You will find strength, courage, grace and faith deep inside you, hidden in mountains and trees. You can do it, my dearest daughter. I believe in you, and know you are supported and surrounded by thousands of angels.

And that, my darling girl, is how I became a mama, and how you were born.

And I don’t know how to adequately describe the day you were born…

but I can only tell you

that it was the most magical thing that ever happened to me.

Thank you for being born, my dearest daughter.
And thank you for choosing me.

All the love in the stars and down here too,

Ostara’s Birth Story: Part Two


Part One of Ostara’s Birth Story here.

I stopped speaking for a moment.

Then said to your daddy:

My waters just broke.

Are you sure?

I smiled, nodding. I stood up, and as if on cue, there was another rush of water, soaking my chair, soaking my silver-lilac dress.

We grinned giddily at each other.

I guess this is it!

We called our doula Rachel. We called our parents.

The call to my mum and dad was particularly hilarious. They were at their neighbours farm – after the cyclone that hit them that weekend, there was no power, so they were at the neighbours to make use of their generator, use their water pump and have a shower. Dad answered the phone.

Hi Dad, it’s Leonie.

What’s happening?

Not much, I just wanted to let you know my waters have broken.

There is silence, and then I hear him yell “Marrrrilyn!!!” and begin running down the hill to where my mum was standing next to the water pump.

Leonie’s waters have broken!

I hear him say.

My mum replies:

No, the water hasn’t broken. The pump is working fine!

NO! LEONIE’S waters have broken!

There is a pause, and an Oh, she gets on the phone, breathless and teary.

We giggle and murmur and share for a little while. Mama wishes us luck, and we hang up the phone.

We wait for contractions to start. We are giddy and excited. An hour later, around 7pm, I have some lower back pain. I smile inwardly with the ache.

We double check my birth bag is ready to go. We make final preparations.

I check my emails for the last time, bending over our foot stool, belly low, keeping good positioning.

We go to bed, knowing there’s a long night ahead of us so we need to rest. I expect to be woken during the night with contractions, but instead I fall into a deep sleep. In the morning I wake, a little disappointed that labour hasn’t begun yet. I’m excited and want the adventure to start.

I call our doula, and we talk about how they may start back up again now it’s daytime, and that really, it’s a good thing that I’ve got a good sleep behind me.


Dearest darling Ostara, can I tell you now that there is never any use worrying about anything – because you never know what will happen until it happens?

Your birth taught me this, over and over again.

We hang around home that day. I make a huge vegetarian lasagne – my own version of “groaning cake” – the cake you make in labour.

I keep expecting for contractions to start at anytime. But they don’t. There is just stillness, like a breath before a storm comes.

At 7pm that night, I get more lower back pains. They are strong enough just to capture my attention and hold it still for a while. We begin timing them, and they grow stronger and shorter.

And yet, in them, I sense that I’m forcing them. That if I don’t concentrate on them, they will go away. That for whatever reason, it is just not their time.

I fall asleep again, and sleep deeply. I wake up at 3am.

There are no contractions at all. It is now 32 hours since my waters had broken.

I wake Chris, crying.

He tries to calm me down.

Can you feel her still moving hon?

And I cry more.

I don’t know. I think so.

We call our doula.

Can you feel her moving? What is your intuition saying to you? she asks me.

I don’t know. I think I can. But I just don’t know anymore. It might be slight contractions. I don’t know. Everything feels so different now. And I don’t want to just rely on my intuition. What if I screw it up? It’s too big a thing for me to screw up.

She asks me what I want to do, and I decide to call the midwives. I hadn’t called them up until that point because I didn’t want to pushed into an induction too quickly.

I knew most hospitals only allowed 24 hours after waters breaking to induce labour incase of infection to the water bag & baby.

I knew from research that waiting 72 hours didn’t significantly increase the chances of infection, and that 95% of women go into labour by then.

I decided it was time to call them.

I wanted a natural birth, yes, but above and beyond the stars, I wanted my daughter, safe and healthy.

{I’m crying as I write this.}

I called my mum for one last pep talk.

With her soft, soothing voice she said to me:

This is the right choice Leonie. You just want your daughter here. Remember there is God in everything, in birth, and in medicine too. God works through the hands of doctors as well.

I called Ellanita to let her know we would probably be induced that day.

So at 3 am that morning, we found ourselves driving to the hospital.

As we walked in under the starlight, I drew a cross over myself and asked all our ancestors to be there with us, to help us have the birth that you needed.

We met Rachel our doula there, and our midwife ushered us away from the Birth Centre up to the hospital. Now that my labour wasn’t considered normal, we were unable to give birth there.

A little while later, Ellanita turned up. She was too excited to sleep and decided to join us for the hospital adventure check-in.

We went up into the maternity ward. Our midwife checked us over, and warned us that we were likely to be induced at 7am. I prayed again for the best possible outcome.

And he arrived in the form of a doctor. One who looked strikingly like one of my favourite cousins, and had the same gentle, kind energy.

He spoke with us and left the room for a moment, and all of us spoke about how beautiful he was.

He came back and gave us an ultrasound, and we breathed a sigh of relief as we heard your familiar heart beat, steady and strong. He checked our water bag, and you still had plenty to dance in.

Then our doctor said something that was so good, I hadn’t even believed it was a possible outcome.

You and baby are healthy and happy. I believe in you two. I’m happy to let you go home and leave you another 27 hours to see if labour starts. Otherwise, come back in tomorrow morning at 7am and we will induce you.

I am so grateful to that doctor for believing in us, for wanting to give us the most amount of time he could to see if we could have a spontaneous birth.

A month after you were born, we ran into that beautiful doctor again. He cooed over how beautiful you were and I gave thanks to Great Spirit again for blessing us with him that morning. He gave us a big beautiful miracle of time, and of faith that was outside the realm of What Hospital Procedures were.

We drove back home again, scarcely believing our luck.

As dawn broke, I called my mama to let her know. That day, I spoke with my other favourite mama goddess Pixie. I felt broken hearted that birth wasn’t working out the way I planned, and that somehow I was failing you because it wouldn’t be without medication.

Mama, it’s not about the medication,

said Pixie.

This is about bringing a new soul into the world.

Her sage guidance pulled me back into my core. It’s not about the medication. This is something holier and bigger than that. Birth was really about you, dearest Ostara, and trusting that this journey was yours to take.

Pixie went on a journey for me that night,  while I rested and took blue & black cohosh homeopathic remedies.

In her journey, she saw this vision…

I saw you in a traditional hospital lying back, but really angelically, surrounded by your peeps… There was a very faint beeping in the background, which I can only assume was a monitor of some sort… I saw a complete circle around you of people in very flowy clothing all chanting the native words for birth. It was so magical that I joined in and sang and then I fell asleep in a cloud of sage and sweetgrass for about an hour!

Her vision of being surrounded by angelic and ancestral support totally aligned with other visions I had had.

In one, moons earlier, your Daddy and I were standing on the earth, and you were coming down out of the stars, riding my horse Rebble, being helped by your ancestors – my brother, my horse, your great-great Uncle John. And around me and your daddy, there was a horseshoe of all the people who loved us on this planet, and their love for us and for you lit up like runway lights, guiding you down to us. The vision left me dew-eyed with tears at just how loved and supported you were by so many.

And two weeks before my waters broke, my friend Fabeku, a sacred sound shaman, did a distance sound healing session for us. He told me as he did the healing, he saw me & your daddy sitting in a field. Above us there were thousands of stars – and every single one of them was a helper, guide and angel, supporting us and helping you come into the world.


Dearest Ostara, I don’t know how or why, but I know we had thousands of souls helping you be born. Souls on this planet, souls who have already made their rainbow journey, and so very many angel souls. As I hold you in my arms, typing this, my heart fills with the biggest, most luminous swell of gratitude. I don’t know why we were helped so much. I only know we were given a miracle that is you.

Later that afternoon after speaking to Pixie, I managed to get a last minute appointment for acupuncture to see if that would induce it. I couldn’t see our usual lovely blue-eyed man, and instead we had a sweet Chinese girl. She held my wrist calmly.

Baby isn’t far enough down. (And you weren’t – you were still only 3/5ths engaged.)

There is an energy block there. I will help. I don’t think we will be able to get you to go into labour, but this will make it easier tomorrow for you.

She placed needles in my arms, feet and legs. And again you danced, as you always did when we had acupuncture. I was so grateful to feel you so strong and happy inside me.

We drove home, and I told your Daddy that I was at peace. That I had done everything I felt I needed to do. Now it was time for me to let go, and let God.

It was time to trust you were coming into the world the way YOU needed to.

I knew I wouldn’t go into labour that night.

I knew, instead, we’d be going to the hospital to be induced the next day… At exactly the same time and date your Daddy had written in his diary months before.

7 am, Wednesday 24 March 2010.

Read Part Three of Ostara’s Birth Story here.

love beyond the stars,

Ten things while mermie sleeps…

earlier today, rockin the ergo and two handed typing!

1. Thank you for all the love about Ostara’s birth story. I’m writing the rest of it now. It has been really healing to let it marinate all this time. At the time I didn’t quite understand the birth… It was like a strange rainbow wildebeest. But through writing it, and crying through it again, it is starting to make sense. The medicine is ripe now. The threads are coming together. Holy and true.

2. Incase I forget, I’ve been meaning to tell you something. For weeks after Ostara was born, everyday, at the same time each night, I would get this huge wave of feeling and overwhelm. And I would get Chris to take me and Ostara out to the field to walk it out. And then I realised it happened the same time each day as she was born. One evening I was lying beside her in bed, and I relived the memory of the birth, and sobbed as I realised I was gifted with the happy ending… her. Later that night I realised it had happened exactly one moon to the day and time of her birth. And since then, I haven’t had the waves… It was like I integrated it.

3. This is the biggest, hardest, most holy thing I haveever done. Mamahood FORCES you to become your best self. You can’t get away with much. It is a big big sacred mirror. It’s not a “one day I will become a calm person.” it’s a “you have to choose calm thisveryinstant.” Sometimes you do, sometimes you can’t quite get there, and you forgive yourself and try again in the next moment.

4. We just found out today our move has been brought forward three weeks. Yipppeeeee!!! And OHMYGODDESS we are moving at the end of next month! Sweet Proserpine here we come!!! Wish me luck as I pack our house ready to go. :). I can scarcely believe that soooon we will be living in our little cottage, near my family and I’ll officially be a WAHM. Wahooooooo! Our big dream is coming true!

5. Danggit. I forgot what I was going to say. Oh well, I will start where I am. It is 6pm. Bedtime. LittleMermaid is asleep in my arms. She is nearly three months old. Can you believe it?

6. Our doula Rachel took our first family photos for us on Sunday. I can’t wait to show you all. We took them at our sacred rock, the first place we felt at home here in Canberra. At that rock I had my inner marriage ceremony, had birthdays there, had our engagement photos there, and it was at that rock three months ago we took belly photos on The Day My Waters Broke. Circle of life, baby. Holy and big and true.

7. Ahhh yes I remember now! My big sister is living in England at the moment. She just spent three weeks galivanting around Europa eating snails. The day she got back to England we skyped. (I missed her oh so much when she was travelling! She is my twinny, just two years older and a Capricorn). Anyhewsles, I tell her we ate moving home early. And she squeeeeals. She had decided on her Europa travels to come home… The same week as us! How is that for perfect synchronicity??? I adore when things work out just so incredibly perfectly.

8. In unrelated news, my epic search for a babycarrier that Ostara actually likes has finished. Yahoosicles! Runnerup prizes go to Baby Bjorn and ze old fashioned ring sling… But it looks like ErgoBaby is our winner. At least we now have seven (ho ho ho) carriers to swap between whenever she needs a change. And I would give you the links to them all, but I’m typing this with one finger on my iTouch so anything beyond basic text is beyond me. Maybe one day when I have spare time, two hands and I have a pet unicorn I will write a proper review post with pictures and everything. Until then, here’s me, with one fingered typing and dot point posts.

9. Infant massage class tomorrow. Yippee!

10. Everything is working out beautifully. For all of us. I have a good feeling about this, hottie cakes.

Big love, raspberries and blessings,


Ostara’s Birth Story: Part One


Photographs by our doula Rachel, Birth in Harmony

Dearest Ostara

Where do I begin the story of how you came into the world?

Do I begin when I was sixteen, and saw you as I stood in the shower: a beautiful, wide blue eyed angel with golden curls? I bent down in that shower that day, I bent down before that strong, shimmering vision of you, and I cried, and I laughed, and I knew that one day you would be my daughter.

Do I begin when I was twenty-five, sitting next to your daddy at a spiritual church, and the teacher’s amber eyes fixed on us? You have a girl spirit waiting to come through, she said. A daughter. Yes, yes, I know, I smiled back.

Do I begin the story the teary-eyed moment your daddy and I knew you were waiting to come into this world, and we decided it was time? Or the moment I saw those two blue lines on the pregnancy stick, and tears sprung to my eyes? I had only one thought then: She has come for me. My daughter is here.

And now, sitting here in the month of April, I write this with you, my daughter, sleeping in my lap. You are three weeks and one day old, and I have been studying your face. You are changing so much already, my beautiful heart. Your round cheeks are lengthening out into your mama’s chin. Your eyes are growing a lighter blue. Your hair is becoming lighter and longer.

Each moment, only once.

So my daughter, how do I tell the story of how it is you made the journey from my womb into the world?

It seems too big and too large to write about – there are a thousand threads that weave this story, each string shining, each layer its own song, with flecks of miracles interwoven.

I can only say for sure that I know that you were born exactly how you were supposed to be.

And I couldn’t even glimpse what that may have been until it all happened.



Once upon a time, your Daddy and I were at the Birth Centre at one of their “Preparing for Birth” classes. As soon as I knew I was pregnant with you, I had booked into the Birth Centre.

Years before I had read Spiritual Midwifery, and it had changed my world about birth. I decided then that I wanted a birth assisted only by midwives – and as natural as possible. The Birth Centre felt like the right fit.

Anyway, at this class, we were given a set of cards – each had a birth option on either side. For example “Epidural” on one side and “No Epidural” on the other. And during this exercise, we had to go through, and systematically choose the three birth options that were most important to us.

I immediately knew the object of the game. I said crankily to the midwife: You are going to tell us we are not going to get what we want, aren’t you?

She shushed me, and told me to play along anyway.

I grumpily did. Ours were: To not be induced, To have a Birth Centre birth {instead of being transferred to the attached hospital} and To have no pain medication. I was so concerned about being induced as I knew my own mama had a 42 week gestation period and was induced three times out of five. It was not what I wanted for me.

And after we chose our cards, the midwife then went around the class, and read out everyone’s cards. And then she described to each couple how they would get one or two of their three choices, and asked them if they would be happy.

As Chris said “Woah… it’s like she’s reading our oracles!”

When she came to ours, she read out my choices and said:

“You, Leonie – you are going to be induced, and will give birth in the hospital delivery suite. But it will be a pain medication-free birth. How will you feel about that?”

And I got so cranky about the whole “You won’t get your ideal birth” exercise that I snapped at the midwife that I didn’t care.

That night as we drove home, I was in tears. I was angry about the idea of not getting the birth I wanted. I was afraid that the midwives didn’t understand. I felt so worried that the Birth Centre wouldn’t end up being the right support during birth, and spent a week feeling lost and unsure.

Me & your Daddy went back to do another weekend of Calm Birth workshop together, and I spent a lot of it in tears. During one exercise, the lovely Tracey asked us to write out our feelings about birth, and share them with our partners. So we did, and as I shared my fears with your Daddy, he looked at me with his ocean blue eyes and said “Oh honey, if those are all the feelings you are having, no wonder you are so worried. Let’s do what you need to do to feel like we’ve chosen the right carers.”

I shared with Tracey, and she said to us such profound words:


Leonie, where you are right now is taking you on a journey. The journey may end up with you staying with the Birth Centre, or choosing home birth. But no matter which of these two happen, the outcome will be the same: You will feel stronger, more courageous, and more in your power when it comes to birthing your child.

In all the time I had been pregnant, I had a longing for a homebirth, but settled with the Birth Centre option. Now felt like the time I needed to fully explore the option of homebirth so I could know our choice – whichever it was – was the right one.

We met with our lovely doula, and she shared sage words of kindness and understanding. She gave us the names of homebirth midwives she knew, and your Daddy and I decided we would find out what would be the very best birth for you… the one we felt you were guiding us towards for you.



That weekend of CalmBirth, and in the middle of this time of transformation, your Daddy’s grandmother passed away. It felt like she was leaving the planet as the older generation so that you could come through.

The day before her funeral, we met with a homebirth midwife, and talked long into the afternoon about spirituality and birthing.

The next day, driving west into the country, to return to your Daddy’s birthlands, we sat quietly, letting it all sink in: life, death, birth, choices.

I asked your Daddy:

My love, I think about homebirth, and I think I can do it… but I wonder: do you think Little Mermaid will need more assistance than that? I just have a feeling that she might.

And a soft look passed over his face, and he said:

You know, I’m just not sure hon. She might.

One thing I know for sure: When I have a feeling about something, I’m usually right. And when your Daddy has a feeling? It is always right.

So, woven into this story is this little feeling we shared that we may need more help to bring you into this world.


As we drove further along, and the flat plains turned into soft round hills, your Daddy said to me:

All you need to know, honey, is what you need. And then we can get that for you.

I agreed, and quietly turned within.

An hour later, as we drove by a scrubby bunch of trees hewn with red earth that I will always remember the sight of, I said to him:

I know now. It’s not a homebirth midwife that I need. I really want a spiritual elder to be there with us, to hold the space for us, to make it sacred for our little mermaid to enter. I really just want the birth to be safe, joyful and holy.

Okay, he said. Who would you like there?

I don’t know how it will happen, or who it could be. I only just know that I want an elder there for us.

So we let it sit. We had been shown the next turn of the path, and just needed to trust it would take us where we needed to go.


Pic_0225_013 copy web

We arrive in the town your Daddy was born, and settle into a hotel just down the road from the hospital he was born. Only a moon away from your birth, and here we were reliving your Daddy’s own.

We walk the streets your great-grandmother walked, the places your daddy visited as a child.

That night, we dial in from the hotel’s internet, and I receive an email. My spiritual mentor, the woman who led the first womens circle I attended when I was 21, is coming back to Canberra. Just in time for you to be born. I read out the email to your Daddy.

There, I say. There is what I need. I will ask Ellanita to be there with us.

And as simple as that, the threads wove together, and I knew it was the right thing.

I would have a trifecta of strength, love, wisdom and courage around me: your daddy, our doula and my mentor.


In the morning, we washed in Mama Murray river, your Daddy’s birth river. At the ceremony to return Daddy’s grandmother back to the earth, I took a white flower for you, and offered to grandmother in thanks. A white flower felt just like you.

When we arrived home, I emailed Ellanita. The synchronicities lined up: You were due on her son’s birthday. Ellanita and you were both Aries girls. The timing and the place was perfect.

Somehow, I knew that with my trifecta, all will be well. That even if I ended up needing a caesarean, I would have the right people around me to feel your birth would be safe, joyful and holy.


Pic_0225_018 web

Soon after that, we had dinner one night at a restaurant with your daddy’s family.

We decided to take bets on your arrival. Your due date was between 28 March and 2 April.

I guessed 3 April, as did your Nanny Tare-Bear.

Your Daddy thought for a moment, then said in that way of his:

24 March.

Quietly, assuredly.

I laughed at him heartily.

There is no waaaay this baby is coming early hon. It’s not in my genes, we are always late.

That may be so, but she does have half my genes, and I am impatient.

I shook my head, still laughing, and wrote it down by the other guesses.

That same week, your Daddy was pestering me about when I thought you would come, so he could planit with his work and put it in his calendar.

I refused to give him a date – I’m a free flown’ hippy like that.

So he ignored me, and put into his calendar:

7am, Wednesday March 24: Baby comes.


In the month leading up to your birth, we had a long list of things that needed doing. We made space for you, and got rid of half our possessions. Carpets cleaned, trees cut back, business things to prepare.

Just hold on baby, until we do this one last thing.

The last thing on our list was a pregnancy photoshoot when I was 39 weeks pregnant.

Just hold on baby, until we take these last photos of you inside my belly…

That weekend, the energy was intense.

It was equinox. A tropical cyclone hit our homelands and the farm.

It felt like everything was being cleansed in preparation.

On the Saturday, your daddy & I went to a fairy festival, and saw the lovely Lucy Cavendish who I had photographed the year before. We talked about spirit and Crystalbrook Retreat and big dreams and Avalon and children and soulful parenthood. And we smiled knowing smiles and said “Not long now…”

The time was becoming riper.

We sat down to hear Lucy’s talk, but I started to feel off and wanted to go home.

We went up to our sacred rock with our doula. Photographs of my full moon belly, your daddy’s arms around me and you, the moss covered granite.

I felt like an earth empress mermaid up there, aglow with two lights, walking through the doorway from maiden to mama.

Driving back through the national park, we joke about when you’ll arrive.

Well, our list of things to do is complete, so maybe she’ll come tonight.

Rachel, our doula, laughs.

Suddenly, a group of rabbits cross the road in front of us, and me and your daddy burst into laughter.

It started with rabbits, it ends with rabbits, we say. She’s coming soon.

Rachel laughs even more, knowing the story of the rabbit who magically came to live in our front yard when we conceived you.

Later, she told us she was thinking:

Surely not. Surely these two can’t be THAT in tune. Knowing due dates because of rabbits?



We hugged Rachel goodbye, and bought fish and salad on the way home.

We sat down at our little wooden table, eating, laughing, talking quietly.

And as I ate the last piece of food from my plate,

there was the sound of ocean and new beginnings

as my waters broke.

The journey of bringing you into the world had begun.


Read Part Two of Ostara’s Birth Story here.

Read Part Three of Ostara’s Birth Story here.



{this moment} – you are my ostara light

a moment out & about on my camera phone

{this moment} – A Friday ritual. A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Inspired by SouleMama

light shining spirit,