I woke up this morning in such a funk
(what IS going around in the energy fields lately!~)
that I thought:
If I can just get through today,
and go to Body Balance class tonight,
I will regard today as being Hugely Successful.
No pressure for anything else ~ just BEing okay.
No expectations. Just make it through the day.
And then today was Spring.
And they forecast for it to be 22 degrees.
We haven’t been over 20 degrees in oh so very many months.
So we decided to have a 22 degree party.
A picnic in the park.
A celebration of spring.
We removed our symbols of bondage – ties and shoes.
We planted ourselves firmly in the earth.
We had kips in the sun.
We were uber cool. How on earth can we Be so cool?
We played halo angels.
We stretched those bodies of ours.
We made love to the camera (Be a TIGER leonie… a TIGER!)
Our most distinguished member even did cartwheels. You have to be so very cool to do cartwheels when you’re 12. You are triply so when you do them at age 42. (Mr P, you deserve a badge!)
I wanted just to make it through the day,
I didn’t expect this fandango celebration of 22 degrees.
but it happened.
it goes down in those history making events
of when cool people do extraordinary things.
I like to think so anyway.
I want to offer my heart (cracker) to my accomplices in Serendipitous Season~Loving:
Lilly Pilly, eBear, Diana, Nickorama and Mr Paris.
(And now I’m off to Body Balance. It’s true. Today was Hugely Successful.)
great mystery snapshots…
This was going to be an entirely different post than what it is.
Last night I wanted to write about emotional blow outs, which I still want to do, but I also wish to share how the Universe has magical plans for us that we may not see at the time.
I had the equivalent of a car tyre blow out last night.
I hadn’t written a thing all day – on my “writing” day, which made me feel awful. All I had done was collage some cards (which looked pretty super, but soooo a distractionary tactic!)
And then there’s so much happening in my life at the moment – big stuff and good stuff – but it is energy shifting. I am learning to speak my truth, stay centred in my energy and be the peaceful warrior of my spirit.
And then buying a house and the weight of a mortgage.
And then we put our car in for a service. They took an hour and a half longer than they were supposed to, so by the time we got it, I was too late to go to my illustration class. And I really don’t like missing things.
So all of this resulted in me crashing on the couch in tears, sobbing how I felt like a failure for Not Having It All Together. Ah yes, the Task of Having It All Together. Of everything being digestable, easy, functioning and all good. When Chris asked me if I was okay, I told him I’d just blown out one of my tyres. It’s been a long time since that happened, and I wondered how things would be different now. Just how far into the abyss I wanted to fall, discover and grovel in. I wondered if I would fall or fly; if I would eat my way out and listen to bad songs and continue to spiral down; or if I could find a new way to hear my heart and comfort myself.
I wondered why I had to miss illustration, why tonight was necessary, how this all worked in the big scheme of things, why did I need to be at home tonight, and why oh why did I feel this way.
When the tears subsided I took a long hot shower, took myself to my studio, took out my largest canvas and began fingerpainting in my favourite colours. As it dried, I wrote letters with paint stained fingers.
I started to feel the calm return inside of me, lapping at my shore. I began to feel okay again, that it could be okay, that I am okay just as I am.
And then a phone call came. It was my friend Lile. “Are you coming to the scrapbook party tonight at Mich’s?” With shock, I remembered I’d received an invitation, but declined as I thought I would be elsewhere. “No, I wasn’t, but I’ll see you there in 20 minutes!”
I think I danced out that door, my teary face now resplendent with a cheesy grin. I drove there talking to the Universe: HOW GOOD ARE YOU UNIVERSE! YOU SO HAD ME THERE!
At the door, Mich greets me: “I thought you weren’t supposed to be coming tonight?”
“The universe had better plans for me” I reply.
“How good is that!”
So there I was, in a room full of women I love, having a hardcore gigglefest. Releasing with laughter instead of tears (my healer friend D tells me they have the same releasing energy anyway).
And maybe that’s exactly what needed to happen.
Maybe that’s exactly where I needed to be.
The Universe had better plans for me, and once I accepted the Great Mystery, the blessings came flooding through.
I told my friend Paris this morning of last nights breakdown and surprise Festival of Women, Creativity and Laughter,
and he said:
“You know, I don’t think breakdowns are really breakdowns. I really think they are breakthroughs.”
“Every loss in life I consider as the throwing off of an old garment in order to put on a new one; and the new garment has always been better than the old one.”
~ Hazrat Inayat Khan, Gayan ~
what a beautiful weekend of perfect serendipity.
i enrolled to do an online workshop on Holistic Interior Design, run by my marvellous friend Andrea. we are in the process of possibly buying this cottage we live in, and making it our magical home. we decided that to buy this home, we wanted to change the energy and make it more unique, artsy and beautiful. as soon as i found about Andrea’s course, and also about a holistic landscape designer here, i knew i would be able to gain the magician’s tools to create sacred space. i just love how this universe works in its magnificent ways!
i decided to take a trip to Revolve with my beloved. Revolve is attached to the local dump here, and is a warehouse filled with the stuff deemed too good for landfill. I went there hoping to find a stash of home decorating magazines for the course, without having to buy new ones. As I was foraging through the mishappen shelves, i happened upon a brand spanking new copy of “The Spirit of the Home: How to make your home a Sanctuary” published by one of my favourite publishers – Thorsons. Can I get me a big woooot wooooot please? Oh yes! Hitching it under my arm, I continued on foraging, knowing that my precious mags must be here somewhere. In a crate full of bridal magazines, I located a dozen of them. Second woooot wooooot of the day. i take my treasures to the counter to enquire about the price. Mr Yellow Shirt Man flicks through them, then pronounces the happy grand total of $2. Cie, 2 dobleros. I think I skipped out of there, humming a tune of wooooot woooooooot all away across the carpark.
i’ve spent joyous hours creating collages on what i envision for our sacred space. the best homework i think i’ve ever had.
then today, we journeyed along to the diaru centre for the fortnightly sunday meeting on all things spiritual. what is the topic today?
of course: Sacred Space. How to create a sanctuary in the home, according to feng shui, colours, herbal lore and spirit.
I grin wildly at the serendipity of all of this.
Sacred space, here I come!
the beautiful yang souls i share my life with…
Today I was sitting at my desk at work,
feeling unsure about energy:
Could I stay centred in my energy, even if I didn’t know who surrounded me, and their intention?
I began to feel anxiety rise up in my body.
So I closed my eyes,
and I asked to be shown the Truth.
Immediately, a rainbow curved out of the sky,
and engulfed me in its beauty.
In a rainbow is all levels of healing
each chakra clearing
and all vibrations of being.
I felt it around me, washing through me like a crystal waterfall.
This is the Truth.
There is nothing to fear.
There is nothing to be anxious of.
I am you,
I am great spirit,
I am a part of you,
and you need not fear being apart from me again.
You can always call upon me to remind you.
Your energy is my energy, and there is an endless source
that is authentic and filled with light.
Do not worry about this drying up.
Do not concern yourself with any other person’s intention,
Infuse your experience with your own,
and Light your World from the Inside Out.
You now walk your own path,
You now trust yourself to be you.
Peace rushed over me. Blessed be, and blessed it is.
This is the Medicine of Rainbow,
and the Beauty of Truth.
“Within us is the soul of the whole, the wise silence, the universal beauty, the eternal One.“
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
I was driving home in the car,
the sky dark apart from a gloaming full belly of moon.
I was feeling anger,
great anger at some friends whom I felt had in some way wronged me.
In my head the accusations flocked
and flew. All the ways
I wanted to be right
I kept a score card in my head, ticking off the buttons they had pressed,
and the confirmations of my self limiting beliefs on love.
That people would fall out of love with me. Tick.
That I could not trust. Tick.
That friendship meant pain and hurt. Tick.
The humanness took so much over me that I bubbled and gasped for air.
So I asked myself a simple question:
What do you want?
The words fled back:
I want them to know I am hurt and why I am hurt and how they have hurt me and I don’t want to feel this pain again.
But what is it that you truly want?
And then my Spirit spoke:
I want to love them. I want to love them. I want to just love. I want to love unconditionally. I want to love without rules and hurt and pain. I want to offer love to them, as natural an energy flow as a breeze in spring time. It hurts me to hold back love. I want to love them.
I am learning. I am growing. I am learning to hear what I truly want, under all the hurt. Cutting off love was tearing the nose from my face.
And I am learning to release that hurt to make way for the healing.
As it often does, my body is learning the same lesson at the same time as my soul. Throughout the last week I have had strong neck and back pain. Yesterday a physiotherapist played magic hands on me to wiggle out most of the stiffness, but some pain remains. I am learning to take breaks to stretch and release it away, but I find myself on some level wanting to hold on to it.
Some days I hold on to my hurt like it is a medallion of war, a scar which shows I have suffered this life. Some days it feels safer to feel achy (I know this is not true). Sometimes I hold onto pain because it gives me an excuse to take time out (I find it difficult to call time out otherwise).
The call for spirit, love and healing is growing. In the mists of pain, I feel the longing to return to the Avalonian place of peace.
my spirit calls.
Return to love.