More from the Healing Journey


In the Healing Circle. From my Day of Delight Retreat.


Hola gorgeous Goddesses!

I want to thank you so deeply for your love, prayers, kindnesses, comments & emails. One of the biggest things I’ve learned over the last couple of weeks is how to Receive. I can be so enthusiastic & excited about giving that I forget to leave space & room in my life to be held & given to.

Thank you for giving. Thank you for believing. Thank you for sharing when you were called. Thank you for being you.

My heart feels like it is receiving love into it.

The Healing Journey

Yesterday I had a breast ultrasound, and watched the waves and lakes of my boobs melting over the television screen. Ultrasounds are such magical things. Oceans of boob, seas of tissue. It’s all organic and liquid and living. Magical, magical, magical. There ended up being a boob-group meeting in that little room: me, my love by my side, lovely ultrasound lady, and then she went and got the doctor on staff. This is the third time I’ve been ultrasounded, but the first time they got a doctor in.

He was Irish, with the most beautiful accent and ginger hair. He wore green suspenders. He made me smile. And he went through and diagnosed the ultrasound *live* as it wafted and waned all over the screen. He showed me where my ribs were, what each part meant, how it all sung together in a lovely symphony of body.

And then we got to my lump. My lump, my lump, my lump on my lovely lady lumps. (Sing it with me now).

And this, he said, is all breast. There’s nothing – no cancer, no growth, not even a cyst. It’s all just breast. Breast tissue can form into harder ridges and lumps, and this is what that is. It’s all good.

And Chris squeezed my hand. And I grinned.

I’ve never been so happy to be all boob in my life.

Sing it with me now

Ceeeeellllebrate good times, come on! Do-do-do-do-do-dooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

So that is one big elephant-sized worry no longer standing in the corner of my room. I’m so very, very glad to be the bearer of happy, healthy breasts.

I think my shoulders have come down about a foot. I’m glad. And grateful. And sinking into that feeling of grace.

With one big elephant-sized worry gone, there’s still healing to do. I’m still exhausted and anxious. In the backyard at sunset yesterday, my love said: It’s understandable honey. The last few months have been really, really big for you. It’s going to take some time to come back again. It’s going to take time to get your juice back.

That it will. My new superhero skill I am in training for is this:

Gentleness.

And what have I learned in the process of the lump?

A shit load.

A bugger load about healing, receiving, rest and self kindness. I’ve remembered exactly what’s important to me (My sweet self, my holy-amazing-batman lover, my puppehs, my ridunkulously cool family and endearing friends. Notable things missing from this list: How well my business is doing, how much I’ve blogged this week, how to value myself based on my outputs, how my to-do list is looking and just how productive I’ve been this week).

And I also managed to learn some really wonderful things about herbal healing.
And tomorrow/soon/when I get there I’ll share with you one of the most woah-amazing remedies I’ve discovered on the healing journey.

For now though…

It’s party-time & healing-time all at once.

Time to go watch some Ellen & Oprah and spend the rest of the day in sweet bliss of be-kind-to-self-and-do-nothings.

Love, healing, good news, gentleness,

_____
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Healing

Here’s where I am today. Me, and the puppies, and the bed. Resting. Healing. Being.

There are moments when I gaze through the storm of the last month and see that I will come through this and see my life more clearly and consciously and find inside me a big strength. I glimpse it in my eyes, and the wild locks of my hair.

For now, it is healing.

It is making my yoga class a priority, and gazing out through the studio windows to the gum trees and the galahs and the lightning in the distance. It is stretching my body in and out, wrapping my limbs in partner yoga with another mermaid-haired amazon goddess.

It is looking honestly into the eyes of one of my dearest friends who was diagnosed with cancer this week, and both of us finding a kind of peace there in that honest connection. However this all ends or begins, we will still love each other. We will still make inappropriate jokes. I will still harass her into riding donkeys, which is my secondary life passion.

It is crying and becoming achingly vulnerable on a red velvet couch as two friends hold each of my hands and listen to all the things I’ve had locked away inside me in a big wooden box of shame.

It is giving myself over into the cupped hand of God, and letting myself rest in there for a while.

The last five months of my life have been a whirlwind of dreams-come-true that felt more like a hurricane. It’s been about my To-Do list, and productivity, and copywriting, and logistics, and a ton of other shit that I’ve never though much about before. And along the way, I discovered I never really knew how to love me first. To take care of my needs – physical, mind or spirit – above all else. I thought I could keep pushing it to the back of my To-Do list.

And then my body said no.

When I found the lump last week, all I could do was hyperventilate, cry and then apologise to Chris. I wanted to apologise because I never, ever want to leave him. As much as I know that it will happen at some point or another, I really, really didn’t want it to be anywhere close to now. I want to relish every single day I get to adore this man who is my kindred spirit. I want to see a gazillion more times how his hair flecks in the light, his eyes crinkle at the edges when he smiles and how his heart shines when our dogs nestle by his side. I want to be that lucky lucky soul who hears and learns from all of his wise and deep and simple words and gets to gigglesnort over his irreverent, quiet funniness. And this may all seem hopelessly romantic – and it might be – but it’s my truth. It’s what my heart sings about when I listen to it softly enough.

So maybe the lump came to show me in one moment that above all else – the To-Do lists, the business and the busy-ness – there is my whole world. And it’s made up of love, and light, of my dear fiance, my puppy dogs, my mama, papa, my crazy siblings and my wonderful friends. That’s where it’s at. That’s where life gets born.

I had my worth all tied up in how good I was at doing my soul purpose out in the world.
And I didn’t see that my worth starts and begins and is complete just inside me. This tiny world of mine that fills me up so completely with beauty and roses and snotty tissues. With love, spirit, kindness, bliss. The way I stumble and the way I soar. Friendship and bells at sunset and pain and adventure and laughter and losing it all over again, only to be reborn. The ways I love myself and the ways I don’t. Trust, faith, lack of faith and all the rainbows of being a human. The journey which sucks and is magnificent all at once. That’s all of me – and it’s complete. It doesn’t need me to be anything more but what I am. Sitting, breathing, writing, typing, getting angry, getting hopeful, crying, smiling.

What I’m saying is this:

It began with a lump.
And it made me wake up again.
And remember me.

I’ve given myself the next week off all kinds of work to heal. So much stuff I’ve been denying myself for a long time, and now I’m allowing. Giving me some space again. I don’t know what my retreat will look like. What I do know is – it is an obligation-free retreat. So anything I feel an obligation to do, I won’t be doing. It’s time to give myself some time and space and permission to be cranky, hopeful, sad, glowing, uncreative or creative. However it comes out is fine. Whatever I need is perfectly needed.

Last week I wrote a letter:
I feel like I’ve been running around outside myself.
I need myself now.
I’ve really missed me.

And so I have.

Welcome home, Leonie. I love you so much.

_____
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The Good & the Big Medicine


Self Portrait, by the lake, at dawn.

Hola gorgeous Goddesses!

Today, I wanted to share a little bit of a soul-round up from my journey: The Good parts & The Big Medicine (aka those big lessons). It’s a little way for my to check in about where I’m at ~ and as always, you can connect in with your Goodness & Big Medicine.

The Good:

Holy adorable Angel batman!

Finding our sweet Angel was our miracle this week.
Then bringing her home and falling in love with her silliness, kind-heartedness and whole-body-tail-wags has been our second miracle.
If Charlie is our Healer Dog, Angel is definitely our Happy Fairy.
There’s nothing like being awoken by your face being jumped on and pommelled with insistent puppy kisses to make a day a good one.
I can definitely see myself adopting a whole tribe of animals just so I can fall in love with every one of them. For some reason, adopting Angel has made me want to populate the world with a small army of little Leonie & Christians. Or at the very least, having a really, really large animal family. hee!

Creative Goddess journey amazingness

The Creative Goddess eCourse Circle closed today. While it is an ending, it’s also a beginning. And it’s the spiral of a journey that has been transformational and amazing and insightful and deep and touching and wild and wonderous and radiant and delicious. And that was just for me… just to witness the *incredible* bloomings of the Goddesses who were undertaking the course and participating in the circle. Holy moly, it has been divine and rich.

So we give thanks for the sacred cycle of the circle. We offer the energy back into the winds. We feel gratitude for every goddess we have circled with, connected with, been inspired by. And we witness all the magic and miracles that has happened. And we know that this way, beauty comes. When one part of our journey ends, something new begins. Miracles all the way, baby!

And in saying that… here’s something new and beautiful just happened for me…

Circle goodness

This week, I was invited to be a part of a women’s circle. It’s been two years – maybe longer – since I’ve gone to a circle that I haven’t lead. When I got the invitation, I did the happiest little happy dance. Circles are precious. So are women. Last night I stayed out long past midnight, participating in the most wonderfully irreverent circle I’ve been too. I think the crowning moments were tribal drumming and impromptu ecstatic dancing to Elton John’s “Rocket Man”, then belting out a Whitney Houston song on SingStar. Funny, sacred, irreverent, blessed. Perfectly needed.

The Big Medicine.

I also reserve the right to call this the Hard Shit when the medicine is really, really full on. And this week, it is.
So I’m calling it:

The Hard Shit.

The Hard Shit this week has been all the lessons from the last month coming back AGAIN. I’m now starting to think: Hello? Haven’t I dealt with you already? But I haven’t. Because otherwise they wouldn’t be here. All the depleted-to-nothing-energy-levels, frustration, overwhelm and anxiety of a whole lot of things and not much at all has folded itself over and triple-treated me to an intense week.

And then I found a lump on my breast.

I think it’s one of those terrible, painful, fearful, archetypal moments of a woman’s life. Every woman worries about it. And when it does happen… the heart begins to race, and every terrible thought flights into the mind. And in my case, I had a massive panic attack.

Journeying Forward.

Since then, I’ve been listening to the lump. Talking to it. Asking it what it needs from me. Finding out what lessons I need to learn from it. Doing what I can to heal. Having a wonderful coaching/soul therapy session about it with Shannon Wilkinson. Listening, listening, listening.

And most importantly:

placing priority back on me.

Remembering I need to Receive too. That I need to listen to this beautiful body of mine – not sometimes but always. That I need to feel radiant in my precious self and precious body.

And give myself what I need.

Over and over again.

Also in journeying forward into health, I’ve been to my doctors and will be getting a boob ultrasound. I’m hoping it will show up as a cyst and I can work on dissolving it with love, nutrition, vitality and healing. And if it isn’t a cyst – I’ll be doing the same anyway.

When I told a dear friend that I was in deep fear that it could be cancer, she said:
And you know what babe? Even if it is, things won’t change – we’ll just get you really healthy and healing, and we’ll kick its ass. We’re gunna be okay.

And we are. I am going to be okay.

So for right now…

Right now all these lessons and experiences are washing over my life.
Right now there are moments when I’m feeling that it’s not okay, and I’m not resisting that. I’m just allowing it.
Right now I know that I’ll look back sometime in the future, and see that this moment, this week, this part of my life and see how needed it is and how perfect it is.
Right now I give myself permission to not actually feel that. To not always know it. To not always feel like I’ve got it all together. To not always feel okay.

To give myself some space – and some grace – to be every part of me – light, shadow, pain, sadness, hope.

From all my lumpy parts ~ to yours ~
with love,

_____
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Introducing…

Hola gorgeous Goddesses!

I am so deeply excited and honoured and over-the-moon to introduce you to…

Angel.

After searching all weekend for her, having faith and searching every pound and RSPCA for her – we found her through serendipity. As it happens. Chris told me over the phone he was looking at the classifieds for dogs. I jumped on there so we could talk our way over the classifieds together.

But then we realised we were talking about different classifieds – he was looking through his work’s classifieds. I had assumed he was talking about AllClassifieds. And in there, by soulful accident, I found a Maltese X Shitzu (is it a Mitzu? Or a Shittese?) needing to be rehomed to a loving new home. I called, and she was still available. And she lived on our drive home, in a set of houses Chris & I had always wondered about.

We walked in, and this sweet little white gold puppeh was waiting for us.

Two little fairy girls were playing with her. “Annnngellll” they called to her. “Annnnngellllllllllll!”

“What’s her name?” I asked their Mama.

“It’s Angel.”

Chris & I exchanged glances. We were done for.

We left that house with a puppeh under our arms. And we also left with our angel, and the fourth member of our heart family.

She is a little bit of timid and a whole lot of sweet, with the most beautiful eyes in the world.
As we speak, Charlie and his little sister are running around the house together.

Any advice for helping new dog siblings settle in together? I’d love to hear them. They are doing really well… but anything I can do to help them feel happier, safer and more filled with love will be tremendous.

*happy sigh*

So… dearest Goddesses…
Thank you so much for sharing this journey with us, and with my family of four…
our little dream of love has come true.

Big love,

_____
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Creative Goddess Sunday

Hola gorgeous Goddesses!

It’s Monday here in Australia-land, but maybe somewhere in the world it’s Sunday… so… ta da! Creative Goddess Sunday! The day of the week where I share some of my creative treasures, as well as other deliciousness from my journey.

The Long Weekend.

After all the big overwhelmness and exhaustion from the last few months, it was Time. My lover love-ness Chris, God of Wisdom and Adorableness, decided to take off Friday and Monday just so we could have a loooong weekend together. *heart squee* If I haven’t mentioned it for the 3,782nd time this life, Gosh I adore that man. Our Looong Weekend together has been the perfect holiday for both of us. It’s been the perfect blend of Chilling and Relaxing – Chillaxin. It’s been sleeping in, and reading novels. It’s been deep and happy and funny talking, and going on madcap adventures all over Canberra searching for the fourth member of our heart family. It’s been perfectly delightful. It’s been just what I needed. In times of desert-soul, I need top-ups of Chris tonic.

Excuse me while I think about him far too much.

Maybe this post needs a picture.

Just a little reminder that the most amazing men in the world DO exist, and they are as close as your work’s IT department (at least, mine was).

Now I’ve stopped gushing, update on the puppeh front.

Darling curly-tailed, adorably-underbitten puppeh Benny was claimed by his Mama and Papa over the weekend. As much as we adored him, we’re so glad he’s found his home again… and it can only mean another precious puppeh is being sent for us. So today, we did what we needed to do to fulfill our Universe Bargain – we looked for him. In all the pounds. The RSPCA. The foster doggy association. We had our fingers licked senseless by a squirmy Maltese. Someone – not Chris – but one of us – started crying over a little Jack Russell. We played ball with a chubby golden terrier. And we played – AGAIN – with a hopelessly precious Shitzu cross.

With each one, we asked:
Are you ours, darling? Are you the one to join our happy heart family?

And they haven’t been. A dog tells you with its energy who its heart belongs to. And as hard as it is, we’ve had to trust, and have faith, and say no. And in doing so, say yes to the one who is already looking for us. We’ll keep looking. And trusting. And having fun. And seeing what beauty unfolds. {As a sidenote – none of the dogs we’ve looked at are on death row – if they were, it would be a different story.}

I’ll keep you updated about this miracle journey, dearhearts.

In the meantime, if you are a puppeh-watcher like me, you can check out my pound’s website here. I’m only refreshing it like a thousand times a day! hee hee hee.

The thousand blessings of this.

There are a thousand blessings in all things.

Just three that I’m deeply deeply grateful for are:

* Spending such precious time with my amazing love. He is a gift to me from Great Spirit.
* Getting to meet so many beautiful puppeh souls. Each of them are so different, with their own energy and presence and love and gifts. I have adored meeting all of them.
* Coming home to our darling Charlie. Knowing that if we ever saw him in a pound cage again, we would choose him again, over and over. Charlie Puppeh is funny and light-hearted and a song and a cuddle wrapped in a blanket. He is wise and ridiculous in the most perfect of ways. He’s a healer and a foot-fetisher all in one. Right now, as I type, he is sniffer-dogging my shoes. They smell of pound and other dogs.

So, as always,

It’s all good.

Other freaking awesome things.

And tomorrow. Tomorrrrow! I get to visit with my mentor Ellanita again. Time to get my body & soul massaged with her healing hands & truth-speaking.
She’s holy-amazing-batman. I’ve written about her here and here. Oh, and a photo of her exquisite self here.
It’s so very, very good to give myself over for some loving tender-ing again. Hello cup being filled back up again!

And…
I haz bin interviewed.
This week I’m the featured Highly Creative Blogger for Next Chapter: 12 Secrets of Highly Creative Women.
It was so gorgeous to speak with Jamie – go check out the interview. In it I do a little “Opening to Creativity” meditation as well. You can listen to the interview here.

Which reminds me.

Oh that’s right! It’s Creative Goddess Sunday… when I get to share some of my latest creations. Hurrah!

This one is a Custom Soul Story of Karen Knowler (aka the Raw Food Coach and author of Raw Food ebooks).

The artwork has her favourite, vibrant colours… with words to remind her of the beauty, vibrancy, vision and love that surrounds her.

As always, feel free to share your own Creative Goddess creations in the Comments circle.

And we’ll meet back here soon to share some more self-soothing techniques.

Have a gorgeous, gorgeous day, darling. You deserve it.

Love,

_____
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